Am I the Ahole?

[izzitme]

Hello Community,

I need some clarity because right now I am being called the bad guy and I feel like one. I married my husband 2 years ago, dated 10. He has 2 kids 22 and 20 and i have 4. We have none together. For years I have been told that his ex was emotionally abusive to their daughter. Lots of tears, drama and taking refuge at our house. My step daughter started developing a severe anxiety disorder that only manifested over at our house. My then boyfriend would take hours long drives, take her out to dinners and lunches and buy her everything she needed and wanted and sent her to therapy. He felt so bad for her that her mom abused her. I offered her a life coach and gave her the name of a med provider but she didn't want either. The two of them used to gossip about the mom and my husband's mentally ill son. They seemed to be bonding over talking bad about these two. The gossip soon turned to my biological daughter who is my step daughter's age and bipolar and she would try to get her in trouble and make herself seem better than my daughter in my husband's eyes. I expressed to them how bad this made me feel but my husband stopped talking to me and it continues. Then one day his daughter tried jumping out of a moving car with my youngest son in it. That is when I started wondering if perhaps she had BPD. She went off to college and the dramatics amped up everyday to this day for an audience of one, my husband. Crying, screaming, passing out, having "out of body experiences", saying the dining hall was poisoning her. Something new everyday. Literally, everyday. Due to covid and my youngest going back and forth to his dad's who doesn't take covid seriously, my husband said he didn't want my son sleeping over anymore but his daughter was allowed because she was so safe. Turns out she was taking risks and he said she couldn't sleep over. And the guilting started. I warned my husband that she might manipulate him to sleep over and she did. She told him her step father is abusing her and she has to sleep here but I can't know about the abuse. When my husband told me I said it felt manipulative. I asked if we could all sit and talk about what is going on and he said he is the only one she wants to know the info. Now I am the bad guy and am being accused of not liking her. If she is being abused I would like to be able to help. I feel she never wants help with anything, she just wants my husband's attention. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't want to be mean or rude to her but I am getting to my wits end of the daily drama and emotional manipulation.I feel like a jerk for that. Should I just not say anything anymore since I get in a no win with my husband? He is a hot head. Thank you for reading this! Sorry it is so long.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi izzitme

Welcome  No you are not the Ahole  You are observing unhealthy behaviours as you say, of your step daughter with possible BPD and your husband who is in denial, dependant. Wits end indeed, I bet it feels like there are three in your marriage right now. 

Should I just not say anything anymore since I get in a no win with my husband? He is a hot head.

. What do you mean by he is a hot head?  He does not want to hear? Does he have any inkling that she may have BPD, or that his DD is very unwell?

2.01 | Karpman Drama Triangle
Have you heard of the Karpman Drama Triangle? When you have time have a look at this and let me know what you think, do you recognise?

Glad you found us for support, there are ways to step forwards, you are not alone.

WDx

[beatricex]

hi izzitme,
no, it is not you and you are having normal reactions to an attack on your marriage.

My husband and I have gone through something similar with his daughter (my step daughter).  I decided after the second major incident in 5 years (she tried to boot me out of the family twice now) to take matters into my own hands, I called a marriage counselor.  Best thing I ever did.  The counselor layed it all out in a very non confrontational manner, and basically told my husband that he needed to stick up for me, not take his daughter's side, if he wanted to have a marriage with me.  It was the best thing I ever did for us.

My stepdaughter is quite a bit older, and I want you to know that it gets worse, not better.  So, start setting your boundary now.  You and your husband need to show a united front.  She will try to "divide and conquer."  Currently, my stepdauther has disowned us, and is only talking to her sister, who has taken her side.  She doesn't speak with her bio mom at all.  It hurts because we can't see the grandchildren.  But for the first time in his life, my husband is standing up to her and calling her behavior what it is - abuse.

Let me know what you decide to do.  You can't live this way.  I get it.

((izzitme)

b

 

[formflier]

I'll cast my vote too!

Not the azzhole.

Does you husband realize on any level that he is being manipulated? 

I mean...when did the world begin to revolve around "what she wants" (not needs..but wants).

From reading your story, I hope you can see that this has been building for a long time.  It is possible to improve the situation, but it will take time...a lot of time.

 

What do you think is the next step here?

Best,

FF

[izzitme]

Thank you to all that replied and for your support and advice. I joined this group years ago because a clinician friend asked me to research because she suspected my husband had BPD traits. When I referred to him as a hot head, I should have clarified he feels things so deeply and is so afraid of a slight by me that he loses his temper on me. I become the devil and always bad. I am deeply confused. I would imagine from years of her experiences with his overreaction that she would develop symptoms too? I am not a clinician and don't want to diagnose. All I know is what I experience in the relationships and the daily chaos. I'm sorry this is so long. Thank you to all for making me feel so welcome and supported here. I should go over to the resources and try to get myself some tools. 

[formflier]

I would encourage you to not worry about a diagnosis, what you experience in daily life is enough.  You can use tools and create boundaries based on your experiences and your values.

I'd be interested in hearing which tools you want to work on.  We can encourage and help.

Best,

FF

[izzitme]

Thank you FF,

I would like to work on putting up a force field around my heart. I guess that is boundaries? How can I not take it personally when horrible things get said to me and I am viewed as "all bad"?