Hello

[bubbalooski28]

Hi Everyone,
I am new here and I don't really know how this works, but here goes.
I am a 32 year old woman, married with 4 kids. I have been in therapy for the last year and a half because of my frustration in life. I feel like I am unable to make decisions for myself and be proactive in my own life. I've come to realize I have an enmeshing mother who has borderline and maybe some narcissistic traits. My therapist believes she has BPD patterns based on what I've shared.  My mom is a devout Christian. My Christian faith is also very important to me, but I have experienced some confusion in my faith as a result of my mother's control and guilt messages. I had (what I thought was) a great, very close relationship with her until I got married and she tried to enmesh my husband as well. At first it worked, but then it started to backfire and things got ugly. We have been married for 10 years and I've spent 9 of those trying to work through this stuff with my mom. I'm tired. I feel so underdeveloped and incapable of moving forward with my life. I struggle with depression and anxiety. I have 2 younger sisters who are much less close to my mom than I am. My middle sister has undiagnosed OCD/anxiety and I'm starting to wonder if she's borderline too. My youngest sister struggles with anxiety and depression like me, but since she was more of the scapegoated child she was able to detach more from my mom. My mom and dad are still married but have not ever (as far as I'm aware) had a good relationship. When I was a young teenager my mom started talking to me about my dad and all her disappointments with him in their marriage, and I felt I was the only one she had to be there for her.
One thing I've struggled with in my recent research on BPD is that my mom doesn't have the rages, impulsivity or identity issues seemingly prevalent with BPD. At least they don't manifest like the things I'm reading about. She communicates with guilt and spiritual superiority. Everyone in her life has hurt her. My dad was a continual disappointment and so are my sisters. My greatest fear is to be a disappointment, so for so many years I put so much pressure on myself to be there for her. She is significantly depressed, has anxiety and feels worthless and without value. I know she was very suicidal as a teenager, but couldn't actually kill herself because of her fear of going to hell. She didn't know who she was or what she stood for, but then when she became a Christian at the age of 22 she finally had identity and purpose. I think before that she may have presented with more classic BPD. I suspect she represses a lot of these things because they don't mesh with her faith. I do know she has no will to live and talks about wanting to be in Heaven with God, but she would never end her own life. As of now she isn't in therapy and I don't think she is aware of the extent of her issues. I could go on and on...but I guess I'll stop there for now. Excited to join this community!

[beatricex]

hi bubbalooski28,
Maybe it's less important your Mom fit all the criteria than it is you found your place here.  I remember reading a long time ago about narcissim then BPD and fretting that my mom didn't fit all the criteria.  It doesn't really matter, the end result is the same.  You feel a lot of guilt and enmeshment, which you want to feel less of. 

I think focusing on your feelings is a good starting point.  You named it and that is great.  Most people (myself included) really struggle with that.  You said you're tired.  I get it.

What are you working on in therapy?  Interested to hear more.

 

b

[bubbalooski28]

Hi B!
Thank you so much for the response. Right now I'm working on my anxiety and my responses to my anxiety. Things like not compulsively answering the phone when my mom is calling if I'm busy and it's not a good time. It's so much harder than it should be . It sounds like you have a similar mom. I'd love to hear more if you want to share.

[Choosinghope]

Welcome bubbalooski 28! 

A lot of your post resonated with me, and I will say that, while I'm glad you're here, I'm also sorry that you are dealing with someone who has brought you here. I also don't see that BPD fits my mom perfectly, as there are some of the criteria I don't see. However, I've also realized that the label doesn't matter so much. Think of it as a starting place. If you read the books or the resources and suddenly had a sense of clarity, then go with it. What matters is healing yourself--not treating your mom. Diagnosing her is the job of a professional, so don't stress about that part.

My mom is also a devout Christian, and I too think that faith has helped her with certain aspects of her BPD over the years, such as intense feelings of loneliness or unstable self. I think that without her faith, she would be in a much worse place. I would count that as a blessing for her, and really all of us. My mom does many similar things, such as talking about how she just wants to be in Heaven, she's fine if she dies, blames my dad for basically everything, and uses her faith (which everyone else in my family, including me, shares) as a weapon at times. She also finds all of us siblings to be disappointing at various times, though it is always one at a time. This may not be the screaming/raging behavior that some pwBPD exhibit, but it is no less destructive to her or to anyone dealing with her.

I've spent basically my whole life up till now waging a mental war trying to decide if it is me or my mom, and I have finally come to fully believe that it truly is not me. I feel really bad for her, but it is really not me. My guess is that you struggle with guilt, responsibility, and fear in the same destructive ways that I do, just from what you've described. My best advice to you is to tackle that head on. Don't wait and let it eat you and further steal from your life. I'm so glad that you have a T that can help you with this. One last thing. I know that this can be hard to internalize, but you do NOT owe your mom anything. You are not her spouse, her caretaker, or her guardian. We are normally told to not be selfish, but in this case, I strongly encourage yourself to put YOU first.