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Author Topic: Married more than a decade - fallout from leaving  (Read 389 times)
AnonAnf

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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 6


« on: December 04, 2020, 02:49:34 AM »

Hi,

My wife and I separated. I thought it was mutual. I was being abused by her, it wasn't changing. The final straw was the moment she said I was having a negative emotional impact on her - I've never wanted to have a negative emotional impact on anyone. So that was it for me.
I wanted it to be a time of healing and growth - I was hopeful our relationship would improve as a result of the separation. We've got two kids and I didn't want our working through our issues to impact them.

It seemed ok for a couple of days. And then she got people to help her take the kids in the middle of the night. The next evening she went to the police and made false allegations against me. I was super compliant with her taking the kids, and responding to a restraining order placed against me. Then the police arrested me and laid charges. I had to move, I had to leave my support networks. I lost my job after they heard about the situation and didn't want it to affect the companies reputation. I've heard stories going around the communities we were in together than I am an abuser, a murderer, an adulterer, a liar, a rapist and mentally unwell (and unaware of it). None of that is true and I've traced the source of all of those things back to my wife. The smear campaign has been effective - I've been alienated from many people.

I've realised I am codependent. I'm working on myself in this time.

It is so hard to accept that I don't have power to help my wife change through loving and caring for her. It's hard to accept that the relationship is over.

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Lucky Jim
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211


« Reply #1 on: December 04, 2020, 11:45:35 AM »

Hey AA, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  Many of us here, including me, have been in your shoes and have been down this road before you.  I separated from my BPDxW after 13 years of marriage, so I can relate to your situation.  Like you, I was the victim of a smear campaign, which hurts.  The first step, in my view, is to shift the focus to yourself and your needs, for a change.  Get back to being who you are at your core.  Strive for authenticity.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim

P.S.  What makes you think your Ex suffers from BPD?
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Mutt
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Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
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« Reply #2 on: December 04, 2020, 06:22:28 PM »

Hey AA,

Like you and LuckyJim I can relate with a smear campaign although the accusations were not as bad as yours AA. I’m glad that you have found us. You’ll find a lot of smiles stories as your own here.

Do you have an L ( lawyer ) Have you thought about custody of the kids? I can understand how difficult t is to accept that you can’t help your wife - I would strongly to talk to a lawyer because area shown you what she’s capable of when you’re compliant but the kids will need to have a r/s with you as week and it’s unfortunate that it has to come down to do this but you have to look at what’s best for them from their perspective.

Her move telegraphs that she wants sole custody of the kids
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
AnonAnf

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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 6


« Reply #3 on: December 04, 2020, 09:18:19 PM »

What makes you think your Ex suffers from BPD?

Hey LJ,

The severity of her response to the separation eventually led me to a subreddit that identified the disorder. I have some training in mental health and have a copy of the DSM so I looked up the disorder and could identify at least 8 of the traits as very pervasive in our married life.

-AA
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AnonAnf

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 6


« Reply #4 on: December 04, 2020, 09:23:36 PM »

Do you have an L ( lawyer ) Have you thought about custody of the kids? I can understand how difficult t is to accept that you can’t help your wife - I would strongly to talk to a lawyer because area shown you what she’s capable of when you’re compliant but the kids will need to have a r/s with you as week and it’s unfortunate that it has to come down to do this but you have to look at what’s best for them from their perspective.

Her move telegraphs that she wants sole custody of the kids

I am wondering if sole custody is her intention as well - but I am aware that she finds caring for them on her own quite stressful. I don't have legal access to her nor the children until Feb next year at the soonest due to the criminal legal proceeding currently occurring. I'm a low income earner but I've been provided with some lawyers for free (they are limited in the scope of what they've been provided to me for though).
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Mutt
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« Reply #5 on: December 06, 2020, 11:45:07 AM »

Excerpt
. I'm a low income earner but I've been provided with some lawyers for free (they are limited in the scope of what they've been provided to me for though).

How old are the kids? How many kids? Boys or girls? I’m sorry that this happened during these unprecedented times. It has to be hard.

I can relate with struggling with the means to have access to an L. Here’s the board for legal help. Members that have gone through a similar experience can offer you guidance and support.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
AnonAnf

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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 6


« Reply #6 on: December 06, 2020, 09:27:25 PM »

How old are the kids? How many kids? Boys or girls?

One boy and one girl. 6 and 4.

Thanks for your support.
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Lucky Jim
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211


« Reply #7 on: December 08, 2020, 12:06:01 PM »

Excerpt
I have some training in mental health and have a copy of the DSM so I looked up the disorder and could identify at least 8 of the traits as very pervasive in our married life.

Hello again, AA,

OK, sounds like you are on firm ground with the DSM.  It's hard to get an actual diagnosis because those w/BPD can be quite resistant to medical/psychological treatment.

One positive aspect of the smear campaign, at least for me, is that you learn who your true friends are.  Also, people are not dumb and I learned of several old neighbors who took what my BPDxW said about me with a grain of salt.  My suggestion: stay above the fray and decline to participate in any mud slinging.

How are you holding up?

LJ

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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
AnonAnf

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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 6


« Reply #8 on: December 08, 2020, 11:20:27 PM »

One positive aspect of the smear campaign, at least for me, is that you learn who your true friends are.  Also, people are not dumb and I learned of several old neighbors who took what my BPDxW said about me with a grain of salt.  My suggestion: stay above the fray and decline to participate in any mud slinging.

How are you holding up?

LJ

Mixed. I'm learning to stop holding on so tightly to the opinions of others. But at the moment I am relying on a shaky/developing sense of self as I recover from my codependency and suffering abuse. I could have really used my friends as just support people, and could have really done without their well-intentioned rebukes and attacks. I'm finding that it is actually the professional supports and anonymous support groups that are providing the most benefit - they aren't biased/invested in the situation so they don't try to petition for my wife and echo her gaslighting.

And thus I add grief of my friends letting me down to the bucket of things I am processing through.
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« Reply #9 on: December 09, 2020, 03:26:11 AM »

i lost friends in the relationship, and the breakup.

they werent along the lines of anyone hearing about it and ditching me. more that i reached out to rekindle relationships, probably caught people off guard, looked needy, and they had moved on.

that is to say, i know that this can be an excruciatingly lonely time, when building up your support system is crucial.

the hard thing here is that there is so much rebuilding that needs doing. she took the kids, you lost your job, friends believe her accusations, and, no doubt, you were already exhausted. take comfort in the fact that you can get good legal advice here that will help you navigate.

likewise, take comfort in the fact that, even if things get worse before they get better, they really will get better. i wasnt always sure id make it through, and much later, i had loved ones confess to me they werent sure id make it through either. but day by day, you do. and while you dont have to do it entirely without support, sometimes life works in such a way that you fight your hardest battles without the people you counted on. and it sucks, its agonizing, but you count on yourself more than you ever have in your life.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
RobertSmith

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Relationship status: separated
Posts: 26


« Reply #10 on: December 09, 2020, 09:09:55 AM »

Hi AA,

I know you mentioned that you are low income and I do not know your country of origin.
You have to focus on your healing and the legal process. Use all of the free and available resources for your criminal and family cases.

Also, I am not advising you to go on a legal crusade here, but if all of the information you are saying is true, and that everything that she told is false and fabricated, which caused you to lose income and much more, she has to be liable for her unlawful acts at some point. This is always a catch 22 when the legal solution is against someone you will have some kind of relationship with in the future, but you should let your lawyer know.

I wish you the best.
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