Home for Christmas.

[Beachtime]

Hello. I learn so much on this site and am very grateful for those who share their struggles and advise. Without getting into too much detail, I need some suggestions and support. My ubpd young adult son has basically estranged from us and we rarely heard from him for the past year. Estranging has been his pattern the past few years. He recently called to tell us he would be coming home for a few weeks at Christmas. He sort of warned us that he would not be with us the whole time and would be with his (bad influence) friends (enablers who buy into any lies and stories he tells them) and a new girlfriend. It’s been a very rocky road. His “go to” weapon is to get angry at us for any limit we have in our home and to just leave during these visits and get what he wants from enabling peers and their parents. He can be quite a charmer. My heart is racing as I type this because part of me is so happy to hear from him and that he is coming home. I love my son so so much, despite all of the hurt and heartbreak. There’s another part of me that is worried about any drama and any more hurt and that I will be left hurting for months after he leaves again. His job for now is in a different state. When he was home last Christmas my husband and I did our best to not react, to stay calm and not take the bait for arguments. We did have to calmly address his drinking because we are worried and care about him. In our home we asked him not to smoke or vape which he ignored. We tolerated a lot for the sake of peace  and we thought it was a good visit all in all.  I felt last year that he was trying, maybe unconsciously, to get us to react. We stayed nonreactive and neutral but kind as much as possible. He cut us off anyway. He stayed in touch with his friends and their families. One of his peers’ moms mentioned this. He even visited them. This hurt me so much. He does not know I know this. I am planning on stepping out of any drama and to stick to my boundaries. Here is my dilemma, my goal is saving the relationship with my son. My husband and I do not want to play the “role” of bad guys that he tries so hard to cast us in.

We have done the best we could and set up reasonable and fair limits and boundaries which his siblings have no problem with. The behavior changes in my son started in high school along with drinking and pot use. This really caught us off guard. We sought counseling for him and for us. He does have ADHD and is very impulsive. Unfortunately the professional advice we got did not address the bpd behaviors and made things worse. My son is a charmer, is very handsome and is very good at manipulating others and getting others to feel sorry for him. No one outside the family sees or experiences what we do from him. It’s been so hard. We believed so many of his stories and had no clue of how we were being manipulated for a long time. I had gone to extremes when he was in hs to accommodate and try to support him because I knew something was wrong and wanted to help but I did not know what was wrong. I wish I knew then what I know now.

We have been cut off from his life quite a few times starting in high school. The sleepless nights and worry take a toll. This hits me so hard every single time. I get very depressed and cry a lot after each cut off. I am working on this. Usually the cut off is because of a limit we set or it is for no reason that we know of. Who know what he tells the enablers that house him when he does this. I do not know why he has cut us off this last time as his last visit was ok, I thought. If I ask him why he cut us off it will start a fight, so we don’t. We really are walking on egg shells. One of our boundaries is that him using our car is off limits. We can’t take that chance on our insurance and for a bunch of reasons and won’t. This usually sets him off as his sibling uses our car. We are Catholic and are sort of conservative and I know he will challenge and mock us if our boundaries in our home are based on our faith and values. Like no overnight girlfriend. He has a new gf he is ‘ in love’ with. Oh my... I hope the  visit goes well. I want my sweet son back so bad but I know things have changed. How do I make the visit as peaceful as possible and not have drama? How do I get through it ok and not left hurting and sad afterwards as he will most likely just cut us off again. Like I said, I am so glad he contacted us and is coming home. I love my son, I miss him and can see the sweet person he is inside. I want to save the relationship so badly but I do not miss the hurt, lies sleepless nights and drama. I guess any advice at all, any advice to protect me so that no matter how it goes, I can be ok is appreciated. Thank you for reading this and for any advice.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beatricex]

hi beachtime,
Something that struck me in your story is that your son is an adult, but you seem to be holding on to "rules" when he visits.  Just curious why you think these rules are necessary? 

He's allowed to smoke/drink/vape and charm every girl in town, also his friends and their parents if he doesn't actually live with you.  I understand your need to identify his addictive and manipulative behaviors, I think it's good to recognize them...but (and you knew this was coming), it's his life and he gets to lead it how he wants.  Is there a way to let him be himself when he's at your house without all the rules?  that may be why he's pushing back to hard?  Just a random thought, I have been doing Reality Formula with Lynne Forrest, though, and she radically accepts people with addictions.  She advocates that they are in fact Excactly where they need to be, and in the right place even.

I think you can love the person and hate the addiction is what I'm saying.  I wonder if there is a way to put the one aside as your job as Mom is probably done (at this point, since he's an adult).

sorry this is so hard for you right now

 

b

[Beachtime]

Hi beatricex,
Thank you for your reply. I guess you misunderstood me. Of course I totally agree and see him as an adult who does what he wants to do. Yup, it is his life and he gets to do what he wants. We also get to have boundaries in our home. We do not impose a lot of rules on him. The no smoking in the house is a healthy boundary we have that a lot of families have. He is welcomed to smoke outside. We do not try to control what he does. He recently graduated highschool and the funny thing is his peers’ families have the same rules in their homes and he knows this. What they do and what he does is not my business. I was very hesitant to post. My post isn’t about addiction. That is a piece of the problem and I do love the person. I am certified in addiction counseling and am very careful and understanding about the issue of addiction. What I hate is the bpd illness and am hoping to get insight or suggestions.

[mggt]

I know how hard this must be. Your excited to have him visit. But then all the problems that come along with it. My 2 cents your house your rules.       We overlook so much with our bps just to have them with us and hope for a good day. Sending you hugs. Basically comes down to what you can and can’t have in your home as far as basic rules.  Take care.

[Lollypop]

Hi there Beachtime

I want to save the relationship so badly

I’m just so very sorry to read your post. You obviously love your son very much and he’s very luck to have you.

I have an adult son who is now 30. He sounds very similar to you son at the same age in that he’s a charmer, good looking and doesn’t always make good choices.

It’s great your son has asked to stay with you over the holidays. Presumably he could have made arrangements, but he chose to stay with you instead. This must warm your heart but I can understand the anxiety that brings. Christmas is always tricky for us as a family!  I guess it is for all of us on this forum.

This is an opportunity for you all to somehow reconnect, but even if that doesn’t happen in any big way...a calm and mutually respectful Christmas surely would be a good thing. I don’t think we can go far wrong by being warm hearted, non-judgmental and relaxed with our adult children. They in turn may demonstrate these behaviours back. Sometimes we have a good day, sometimes less so. If my son struggles on a visit over the holidays ...it’s easier for him to leave (with a smile and big hug from me)  and of course this gives us the breathing space to recover back to a happier rhythm in our house for the holidays, Our enjoyment should not fully depend on him. We can choose to not dance to his negative rhythm.

While your son stays with you, it’s only natural he’ll want to see his friends and maybe their families. Your son is young and will naturally want to socialise, particularly because he has a girlfriend. My son never chose to have his friends over while we were around, he likes to compartmentalise all his relationships. I try to not take it personally and, with practise, I’m not so hurt by it any more.

The Christmas aspect is a separate issue to “saving” your relationship. Christmas is only a few days. Saving a relationship is not possible if it’s only a one-sided attempt ...I say this gently...a better word is “healthier” relationship.

You and your husband can strive for a healthier relationship with your son. It takes a lifetime, as I’m discovering. For me, I made this my goal. It’s a bit up and down, but there’s progress.

I suggest you reduce down your wishes/hopes to something more manageable. A focus on you all having a “healthier relationship” over Christmas, even if you only manage a small part of the holidays, it’s something that can be built upon in the future.

Your son may arrive feeling anxious. Even just the warm welcome you give him can be celebrated. ... It’s also something that can be happily remembered by both him and you. The small things are really important to those sensitive ones. If you try to be more thoughtful, don’t ask too many questions they may relax and be able to behave more like themselves (while respecting your boundaries). My son is quite resentful we don’t allow him to smoke weed in our house, but he accepts it.

It’s all about expectations - it’s best to not have any.  At one point in our journey,  I was just happy to have my son in the room, “not so bad a time ” was an achievement. Slowly, over the last 6 xmases, we build a bigger picture but it’s made up of literally thousands of baby steps...some backwards but mostly forwards,

So, best to have no expectations of “saving” anything. Just be happy as you can be. Hopefully, you’ll witness or feel tiny bits of reconnection here and there, like twinkle dust.     

Good luck

LP

[Sancho]

It seems to me you are handling things pretty well. You got through last Christmas without getting drawn into huge conflict, even though he did not respect your legitimate boundaries. It would have been very hurtful knowing he visited others and did not see you - but he is coming for Christmas so he is not totally isolating from the rest of the family. The time will be a challenging of course, but it is still a connection.

Dealing with the constant hurts is something I find difficult to deal with. Just when I think I will not be affected by the nastiness or verbal abuse because I understand the illness, I find that I am broadsided by another outburst. I don't know how we can insulate ourselves from these episodes, and the general lack of respect directed towards us from our loved BPD. It helps to read others' stories at this site and to keep developing understanding of this complex illness. But from what you have said, I think you are doing a lot right already!

[Beachtime]

mggt, Lollypop and Sancho, thank you so much for your replies. I really appreciate the support, understanding and advice. I am keeping my expectations low and realistic, and planning on celebrating any reconnection and any small baby steps towards a healthier relationship. Rereading all of your replies is very helpful and encouraging. Thank you!