This journey is painful, hoping to find support

[Luthien]

Hello all. I am not sure how to start a post like this one. I am 32 and desperately looking for a place where someone might hear me and not just offer sympathy but truly understand me and my experience.
I am a woman, 32, with a mother who is undiagnosed BPD. She meets all the 9 criteria in my opinion. I have tried everything I can think of to help her and our relationship, but nothing works. I even managed to get her to therapy, but when the therapist didn't focus on my shortcomings and held her accountable, she of course freaked out and eventually bailed.
I was never physically beaten like I have heard others were, although I was spanked and got belt whipped. The main form of abuse with my mother, came from the war zone that is her mind, and the vast minefield that is impossible to navigate. I don't remember large chunks of my young childhood. I remember my parents fought a lot and it would scare me and my sister. From what I do remember while we were really little, we didn't bear the brunt of her illness, my father did. She did however confide inappropriate things to us about her and dad's relationship and told us how men were dogs. To this day she still criticizes and humiliates him in front of me, my husband and kids. It is super uncomfortable.
I was never allowed to have a deep relationship with my dad. My mother would guilt and berate me if I showed him more affection. If I tried to explain how her words about him hurt me, all I would hear is "of course you take up for him, no one ever takes up for me. You have no idea how horrible he is and has always been to me." While my dad has issues of his own, feeling the same type of compassion for her is difficult because she verbally abuses him in front of me and says how I am just like him when she is mad, and she is not meaning it as a compliment. My dad, for all his own shortcomings, never has.
While we were young things with her weren't nearly as bad as now, I suspect because she had my dad to beat on emotionally,  and we were still at the age where we were attached to her. As soon as the signs of independence kicked with us, is when the trouble started. My sister, who was 4 years older, started having boyfriends and entered the phase where the friend group is more important to you than the parental units. This did not go over well.
We were raised in a very strict sect of Christianity, Church of Christ. So our image as "pure and wholesome" was very important to her. So when my mom found out she had slept with her boyfriend and later developed a drug problem, needless to say chaos ensued. Watching that at 11 and 12 years old was hard enough, but when I was 13, my sister (17), was in a car accident and passed away. From that point on, my life went from very hard to hell on earth. And while in some ways life has gotten better, in many others I am stuck in an endless loop of groundhog day fights, and neverending gaslighting, invalidation, criticism and guilt. We are now polar opposites in every area almost. She is a hyper-religious conservative, and I am a spiritual but non religious, polyamorous, progressive. She hates everything about me, but also wants to be glued to my hip. The title "I hate you, don't leave me" could be the title of my life. There is so much more to tell, but I suppose I will leave it there for the moment. If you made it this far, thanks so much for reading.

[beatricex]

hi Luthien,
My mother is also BPD'd.  When I was your age, I stopped talking to my mom for almost 7 years.  I only resumed contact because I missed my Dad (he is very codependent, and like your Dad, has taken the brunt of abuse, I believe).

I went no contact with the help of my therapist, and while reading the book "How to Divorce a Parent."

Upon resuming contact, the enmeshment was greatly reduced, my Mom no longer had the power to manipulate me, and in my mind it cemented it that she is mostly borderline as opposed to narcissitic.  A narcissist can walk away forever, if you leave them especially.  A borderline fears this, and in many ways my standing up to her made her realize she can't mess with me.  Does she still mess with people?  heck ya, all the time.  But she knows she can't tell me about it and expect a sympathetic ear.

About 5 years, she started picking on my niece (her granddaughter) and I stood up for my granddaughter.  One example.

So, while her behavior in general is about the same, it is vastly improved with me.   

Have you considered no or low contact?  just curious.

 

b

[Luthien]

Hey B! Thanks for your comment. I have greatly reduced contact, but I'm sure to many I am still too close. I got married at 18 and still am, happily so. I am polyamorous and have another partner that lives with us and our two children. He has been in our lives for 3 and a half years. When my mother found out she ofcourse went berserk. She called and told the rest of my family, and staged an "intervention". She unfortunately was babysitting for the day when she found out. So they held the kids from us and said we couldn't have them back until I agreed to talk.
It was a disaster and since that point, I try to limit contact as much as possible. However, I am terrified she will somehow try to get my kids taken if I ever try to go no contact or keep her from seeing them. The only thing she would have against me is poly. But we live in a very conservative area and my uncle who is also a preacher, knows all the local judges. So no contact doesn't even feel like an option for me. I can't risk my kids ending up with her and going through what I did.
And as far as my dad, yes, he is very codependent. He has basically just watched her do everything she has done, and never once stood up to her for me.

[beatricex]

hi Luthien,
Please tell me more about growing up in the Church of Christ.   Your mom is an active member I assume?  I truly get the living in a conservative area, thing.  I lived in a town of 2000 people in a small town in Texas for about a year.  Needless to say, it made my anxiety about 10 times worse than it already was.  It is so important to be understood, to be oneself and to be welcomed in a community.  I pray for you and your family that you find that security someday, and that your kids are always accepted too.

You said "I am terrified she will somehow try to get my kids taken if I ever try to go no contact or keep her from seeing them."

This is the very real and unfortunate aspect of living with a mom with BPD and no one gets it (except us), not the police, not the kid's teachers, probably not even your partners.  We end up appearing paranoid, when our fears are actually very real likelihoods.  We have to plan and stay one step ahead of them, and the result is often extreme burnout from always being "on alert."  What do you do to recharge? 

I'm here to listen, and am not a person that will judge you.
 
b

[Luthien]

I grew up in a very small congregation, around 100 people or less. My mother's family were all the leaders of this church. From the elders to the preacher and Sunday school teachers. We were there any time the doors were open. Church of christ, at least the one I grew up in and the ones we visited on occasion, were fundamentalist. I wasn't allowed to visit other churches, and was taught that anyone who wasn't baptized in the church would go to hell. Obviously not a tolerant bunch to anyone in the lgbt community, and women were to be subservient to men. My mom has lived on the same land her whole life, and one her sisters and her family live across the street. So two of them haven't ever moved from the same street that they were born on. Her other sister lives about 15 minutes away close to the church. And their brother lived the furthest, about 35 to 40 minutes, and was the only family member not in our church. That was always a scandal to them. I tell you that to show what the dynamic was like. I look at it now and it appears rather like a cult to me, and I can see just how toxic and unhealthy it all was. There were actually pamphlets in our church that were titled "why the church of christ isn't a cult".

And I appreciate your thoughts for us. Nice to hear the words "I pray for you" and it not be some condescension about my soul burning.

And you are right, no one really gets it unless they have someone like this in their life. My partners are extremely kind and supportive, but I know there is no way to truly convey it. All I want in the world is to just live my life without guilt and shame and to be free to do so without feeling as if I have to look over my shoulder. It is exhausting as you well know.
As far as the kids, it is a very real fear. I am however trying to be proactive and will be speaking with a lawyer soon about what kind of case she would have if she ever did come after us. I already spoke with our local DHR who told us that they really don't care about our relationship dynamic as long as the kids aren't neglected or mistreated. Gave me some reassurance but I am still wary.
If you have lived in a small southern town, then you can appreciate the mentality of my surroundings.
I recharge by taking walks, playing board games or video games with my family, writing, singing, etc. I am in my senior year of college for my bachelor's and homeschooling the kids,  so time for recharging alone has been scarce.

Thank you so much for taking an interest and allowing me this catharsis. It does help. 

[YogiM]

Hi Liuthien,

I write to you from Italy but it seems we almost had the same childhood. In my case we were not a religious family buy my mom has always been interested in spirituality.
My parents finally divorced in 2014 after 25 years of a toxic relationship that negatively affected both my twin brother and I. My dad was her punching bag. My brother like your sister used drugs to cope with this chaos and now he has mental health issues as my mom. we are not close and I think my mom is the cause...she always put us against each other to obtain what she needed at the time (emotional support from me, using my brother's illnesses to seek people's pity and play the victim). As I grow older I am even more aware of what happened to me and I have regrets and guilt. This process is hard and painful...I feel you. I am going to a therapist and she is really helping me dealing with my past and present. Since I have started therapy my mom has finally decided to see a therapist as well. I have never told her that I am going mainly because of her and I have never told her I think she has BPD. I think this would destroy her and our relationship. She only told me that when she was in her 20s a therapist suspected she had BPD but she was never officially diagnosed. I hope she could get better but at this point we cannot expect a big change. We should protect ourselves. Sometimes I feel selfish and guilty only to think about my own happiness...it is difficult to shake off these feelings after 30 years of wrong habits.

I hope we could both find peace with our mothers.

A big hug from Italy 

[Luthien]

Greetings to Italy! Thank you for sharing and for your support.

Watching a sibling go through that is incredibly difficult, and even more so with an unsupportive mother. I am however glad to hear your mother decided to go to therapy! That is a big step. Hopefully it will make things more manageable for you. And I understand feeling guilty for your own happiness, but remember that normally we are supposed to do what makes us happy first, we only think it is wrong because we were programmed to.