Didn't take the bait...now what?

[fltmchz]

Hello! For the past 2 days my uBPD wife has been trying unsuccessfully to bait me into an argument. I'm not sure this phase yet is finished yet, but I'm wondering how others handle the period immediately afterward, when it appears the baiting has ended and things are getting back to "normal"?

Backstory:  We got into a huge argument over the summer, during which I foolishly admitted that I had lingering resentment over something she did earlier in the year. I didn't know anything abut BPD at the time, and in retrospect this was a huge mistake. Ever since then, when my wife wants to pick a fight, she often uses the phrase "when you used to hate me" (I never said I hated her because I never did), referring to that argument. This past weekend, several times when things didn't go her way she found a way to trace it back to "when I used to hate her". She threw away the birthday presents I got her (July B-day) because "she didn't want any hate gifts". Last night she claimed I refused to buy a specific type of dish sponge because she said I was trying to prove a point (because the last sponge wore out around the time of the huge argument). She let loose a flurry of "when you used to hate me" statements. 

In the past I would've tried to explain myself (i.e. I don't hate you. I never hated you. I was upset about something you did, but I don't hate you.), which would lead to the never-ending argument, culminating in me apologizing for hating her and 6 other things, just to stop fighting. This time, however, I completely ignored the snipes. I tried to acknowledge the issues that led to the comments, but I didn't address "you hate me" at all, and I never got defensive or argued anything. It was very, very hard, especially when she said it in front of the kids, but I was able to hold my tongue.

At bedtime last night and again this morning, she seemed fine; no baiting, the cold shoulder seems to have subsided, etc. The whole "when you used to hate me" thing really bothers me, though. I don't think it's fair that she says it or that I have to explain to my kids that I don't/never hated her. I get that this is just part of her makeup, though.

Is there ever a good time or good way to acknowledge this to her? I guess that real question is whether JADE is ever something that can be done after the argument, if used only rarely in certain situations. My fear is that anything I say will trigger another argument that will somehow compound the "you hate me" problem because I didn't refute it.

Sorry for the lengthy post and thanks to anyone who read all of it. Looking forward to hearing what others think. Thanks.

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[formflier]

Why do you have to explain to your kids that you never had an emotion someone else claims you had?

What ages are your children?

You seem to have caught on that JADE is not a good thing.  Please read article below.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=280750.0

I get the thought/question about "what to do now"?    Can I hand it back to you and suggest you do what you had planned to do before the argument?  Why change?  (there may be a good reason)

Best,

FF

[once removed]

I foolishly admitted that I had lingering resentment over something she did earlier in the year.

what did she do?

This time, however, I completely ignored the snipes. I tried to acknowledge the issues that led to the comments, but I didn't address "you hate me" at all, and I never got defensive or argued anything.

smart. arguing over the choice of words is just a side show.

Is there ever a good time or good way to acknowledge this to her?

well, whatever happened, its clear this is a sore spot for her. it seems to me thats the real issue.

maybe she feels guilty or ashamed for whatever she did. maybe shes the kind of person where "you cant be mad at me, im mad at you".

its hard to say, but i think thats where i would start. give her the chance/opportunity to talk about why this bothers her, why its a sticking point. listen, listen, listen. ask questions. dont JADE. show appreciation that she shared, and that you want to take some time to think it over. do so, and consider bringing it here before returning to the conversation.

[Chosen]

Well, I've been there, just like you.  I'm still there a lot of times.  Except for me it's "you don't love me" statements.

Anyway, I think the gist is: feelings = facts.  You have done something that causes your pwBPD to feel like "you hate her".  Now, I think first you have to ask yourself, do I hate her?  I mean, obviously you don't because you're still with her, but are there times you may be feeling a bit resentful towards her?  I feel that pwBPDs pick up on these very easily; they're super sensitive to these emotions.  Not that they care, unless they can use it as a weapon against you.

Then, after you have established that you don't really hate her, ask yourself again, have I expressed anything in a way that would cause her to feel that?  JADE?  "I love you, but...?"  If yes, then be aware of the way you present yourself.  Is there any way you could have presented yourself better?  Or reacted better?  Then do it next time.  Practice it when things are calm.

However, sometimes there're no triggers coming from your side.  Then I guess you just to accept that pwBPDs are like that... there may be some outside triggers and they're taking it out on you.  I find that if it's something not related to me, validation works very well.  However, if it's something even remotely related to me/ something I did/ said, then validation will not really work because it will kind of invite more blame.  Because as far as they are concerned, if you're a teeny bit guilt of something, you are 100% responsible for it.