Boundary setting and holidays

[kschol]

This last cycle of abuse/threats/apologies resulted in clarity for me that my sister (55) is suffering with BPD. While suspecting it for a few years and with previously being in the mental health, I'm amazed it took me so long to finally see it. After the most recent crisis and ignoring all her raging and eventually her apology text, I texted her (her preferred mode of communication), that for my own mental health I needed space, as I couldn't continue to be part of these cycles. I let her know I love her and want the best for her to find a way forward towards treatment (40 minutes with a therapist 2x a month of course is not cutting it and she really does need inpatient at this point). My question is... her birthday is today and Christmas is coming. Is texting a simple "Happy Birthday" or "Merry Christmas" breaching my own boundary I recently set? My desire to do so is to let her know I'm thinking of her/care about her. I'm usually good with boundaries, but this one feels more challenging. Thoughts?

[pursuingJoy]

I'm not sure there's one way to do this - it really comes back to you.

It's loving to send clear and consistent messaging, so I might start by considering your sister's POV and how she would take it. Would she appreciate hearing from you in a reasonable, "My sister was thinking about me, and I know she also needs space right now" kind of way, or would it cause confusion for her?

After that, I'd probably consider what I wanted to do. It's important to uphold our own values in the midst of boundary setting - is it critical that you reach out to family during the holidays? Is that a value you hold high?

It's not always cut and dried, but I admire that you're considering the consequences and reaching out for help. Trust your gut - whatever call you make, there will most likely be consequences. Make sure they're consequences you can live with and navigate in a way that leaves you respecting yourself.

[kschol]

Great feedback. It really helps provide concrete ideas in thinking this through-- and a good reminder that there will be consequences either way. I very much appreciate the time/effort in responding to my question!

[pursuingJoy]

Keep us posted! 

[PearlsBefore]

It's getting a bit late, but who ever reads postal timestamps, right?

I've found that snail mail is a good way to say "I'm thinking about you" but without inviting an immediate response that tries to bait you into re-engaging. Keep it friendly and brief, drop it in the mail tomorrow morning, hope she gets it by Monday and feels warm fuzzies knowing you thought of her. That's what I'd do (short of a time machine to do it five days earlier, but hey, belated still counts - and you can throw on a note of "Silly me, procrastinating until the last minute and forgetting the post office doesn't deliver on Xmas!" and be self-depracating).

If she lives in the same city, you can even just sneak it into her mailbox  ninja-style, pretend it was mailed a week ago