another violent episode

[mrlala]

Hi Good Morning,

This just happened this morning: I opened the windows to air out the house. My wife gets angry about it (like she does often) but I don't close them, she smacks me in the face so my glasses fall down, then takes a hot coffee pod out of the machine throws it at my body, and smashes a glass on the kitchen tile floor. I then take the kids and leave in the car to get breakfast. We spend 2 hours outside, I call the DV hotline (second time now), visit a friend and tell him about it, I call my sister, and then in the end decide to go back home and do no further action (to avoid any further damage and a catastrophe of involving the cops as y'all probably know). But the plan with the kids is to leave if she gets mad again. Now, my wife (and I started living together since 4 months and this is the second time she hits me but many times we had to leave because she was so angry. My wife says I should clean up the broken glass but I won't do that. I am not sure what to do in the long run. I am actually a bit afraid of ending the marriage since drama will be unbearable and I always went back in the past when we had off periods. But I know that I will not tolerate this forever.

Great morning - NOT...!
D.

[ForeverDad]

How about a mental exercise?  Find a calm place, relax a bit and ponder...

If a good friend of yours approached you and divulged that he had been suffering in his marriage, even called DV help lines, that there were regular incidents where he had to take the kids and leave for a few hours, that it had become increasingly dysfunctional and unhealthy... what would you tell him?

Hmm?  Do you see the benefit of looking from the outside in, removing the subjective emotional personal factors and gaining objective perspective?

In a quick, simplistic summary... the reality is that you can't fix her, your close emotional history, the emotional baggage that she can't get past, that she feels she can "let it all out" in your presence and in the presence of the children, those factors are working against you being the person guiding her toward recovery.  It would take an experienced professional such as a therapist using DBT techniques to provide regular sessions to guide her toward insight and assist her in applying those concepts in her thinking, actions and life.

The question no one can answer but her is... would she bypass her intense Denial of her issues and not Shift Blame elsewhere, sticking with and applying intensive therapy for years?

Failing that, you don't have a good future with her.  Typically it gets worse and worse, almost as though the other was pushing boundaries to see how far the demands, ultimatums, rants and rages could dominate the other.  Most whose relationship devolved into one Blaming and Blame Shifting the other  — and it didn't substantively turn around — had to end the relationship and limit their contact to custody and parenting matters.

[mrlala]

Thank you - yes, whenever I tell my friends about this, I even say, "wow if this would happen to somebody external, advice would be so easy but being in the middle of it really is hard".

I will talk to a lawyer tomorrow to see what my options are.

Kids and I spent the day outside and it was nice and the glass was cleaned up when we came back but my wife is clearly still very angry at me.

[kells76]

You are wise to take the kids with you when your W is violent.

You are also wise to not clean up the mess she made with the glass.

REALLY good idea to talk with a L. You have my encouragement to do whatever it takes legally to keep your kids safe.

You are modeling healthy behaviors to your kids and keeping them away from violence. Please keep that up!

Could you refresh my memory -- is your W the kids' mom?

[mrlala]

Thank you for the encouragement. It's the stepmother of my children. She has a son herself who is this week at his dads house.

[kells76]

This may be jumping the gun, but does your stepson's dad know what your W is like? Is she violent around your stepson, too?

[PearlsBefore]

It's $30 to buy an pocket-sized audio recorder off Amazon, $80 for an unobtrustive video recorder. A lawyer is about $200/hour. Keep it turned on all day if you're able and just plug it into your laptop at night to charge - they make some that just look like USB sticks, etc. When/if it happens again in a month, you'll likely need 32 fewer lawyer-hours ($4000) and more importantly, save 18 months of "No I didn't", "Yes you did", etc.

I did phone police once myself when a dBPD in my life was out of control; worst mistake of my life, they showed up and made the situation much, much worse - traumatizing my children. So as utterly messed-up and sexist and dangerous as it is to say "Hey, you're a victim of domestic abuse, but I really suggest don't phone the police - just go straight to a lawyer's office and then a hotel"...the reality is...in my experience, [offensive 90s lyrics here] so far as the boys in blue and dealing with BPD goes.

As ForeverDad says, it typically gets worse over time - I tolerated it for years with the same sort of smacking, kicking, pummeling, etc...eventually she moved to hitting me while I slept if she was upset about something (not even me), took up a knife a couple of times, tried to kill me another time. Her only excuse at court was that she would've felt really bad if I'd actually died from her attempt that day. Yeah...thanks.

If the marriage is "meant to be", maybe you can go back in ten years when she's calmed down and the children are no longer vulnerable and around the house...but for the immediate present, I think you're doing the right thing in talking to a lawyer.  Honestly mate, get out while you still can - if you want to wait for "one more time", I understand especially if it gives you definitive proof that lets you sever her completely from your life...but be aware, you just moved the needle on deadly danger a little further on the dial. Be careful, sometimes it's not just a black eye.

Warning: All such advice is definitely colored by own experience, not everyone's experience is like mine; but too many people's are.

[CoherentMoose]

You are modeling healthy behaviors to your kids and keeping them away from violence. Please keep that up!

That is true and I too commend you for taking those actions. 

On the other hand, your children are also party to an unhealthy relationship model, one with violence.   One of the major triggers for my fiancé leaving and divorcing her xBPDh was she started witnessing her son treat his younger sister exactly like how her xBPDh was treating her.  Using the exact same words.  Physically restraining the little sister and yelling at her to do what he said to do and to do it NOW!. 

My fiancé was secretly seeing a counselor (she was not allowed to seek counseling by her then husband) and the counselor had stated the same thing just the week before.  Turns out the children had been modeling the behaviors for quite a while but my fiancé did not realize it until the counselor asked her to look for them.  I believe this was the last straw for my GF and she started planning her "surprise" exit from the relationship which she pulled off 9 months later.   

The amount of violence inflicted on you is unacceptable.  Please seriously consider how to physically separate for you and your children's safety.  CoMo

 

[ForeverDad]

Below in my prior post elsewhere, I mentioned confidential lawyer consultations.  Why confidential?  If you're trying to repair a relationship, sharing is crucial.  However, when contemplating or planning an exit, then the priorities are different.  Sharing information can easily be TMI (too much information) and give your spouse an opportunity to sabotage you.

So don't share that you're consulting lawyers, don't share your plans to exit, limit sharing to necessary parenting matters.

Oh, since the kids are yours and you don't have kids together, then a divorce would end all need for future contact.  Hence, don't risk getting her pregnant, well, unless you want two decades more contact with her.

... PwBPD will typically demand they reap all the benefits and others bear the burden of debts and obligations.  Do not appease, retreat or think that the divorce court will care whether you bend over backwards or not.  Though court won't say this in so many words, you have a right to stand up for yourself.

You are entitled to confidential consultations with family law attorneys.  Yes, you can consult with more than one and then choose to hire the one most suited for your case's circumstances.  Generally our cases get litigated in court so we need proactive lawyers who have court experience not just in hearings but also trials.

If you haven't yet, read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy and Randi Kreger.  It's one of our most vital resources to prepare ourselves for legal disputes, mediation, separation, etc.