Wow, first of all, congratulations for moving out to your own place and independence. I can imagine that was hugely challenging because of how your BPD mom may have responded to that change. I understand your genuine concerns about your mom's well being living independently, and with Covid. I have a similar situation. My mom is 84 with many complex health disorders, and I am an only child living in the same town as her, with my H.
She has my cat, as she initially sold the house we were living him (bankruptcy situation) and my temporary housing wouldn’t allow pets. Now that I can have pets and she told me I could have her when I’m situated. Now she is refusing. She became hostile and said I’d be taking her away, “the one thing keeping her sane”. My cat is a senior with health issues and my Mom doesn’t properly care for her and (for lack of a better word) see’s her as company or a commodity. She refuses to pay for food or any care. Won’t take her to the vet. I am expected to pay for it all and travel over an hour away just to take her to the vet for a simple med check.
I have an idea which you might be able to consider. First of all, what she is doing is wrong. It's classic abuse to hold the pet hostage to control you. Your cat suffers for it. Many Women's Shelter's will have "pet rooms" so that the woman fleeing abuse can bring her pet with her, just for this reason. So my idea is this: Purchase a new younger cat (kitty litter trained). Meanwhile, make the necessary Vet appt for your cat. Pick your cat up for the Vet appt, and then take your cat home with you and keep it. It's your cat. She gets the new younger cat! Maybe you could even find one that looks similar. That way she still has a pet for company, but not one that has so many health needs. Not sure if this idea has merit for your situation, but maybe something to think about. Another option is to pick up the cat for the Vet appt, and then re-home the cat, if you think the cat shouldn't spend too much time alone.
Yet I receive emails from my Mom constantly and if I don’t respond she threatens me. She belittles my situation and lays guilt upon me. Her demeanor has always been hot/cold and it stunted my social life and emotional state. I need the distance to heal but she needs emotional support I can’t provide and it pains me. It pains me to know how much she hurts but I need to live my life, too.
I can so empathize with this. My mom emails and texts me like this too. We all understand hot/cold on this board. It pains me to know how much my mom hurts too, but you are right that we all need to live our life. You mentioned you are going to start therapy. This is fantastic. Hopefully your therapist is a good fit for you. Be sure to find one who has experience with BPD. Sometimes it's like car shopping - a few test drives might be needed.
We don’t talk on the phone these days as she provokes confrontation and yells at me. What is the solution to this and how do I have a healthy relationship with my Mom while maintaining my well being? Nothing I say to her is ever right. She had high expectations for me and says no one cares for me yet she refuses to seek help. She critiques me down to the way I write in emails and the inflection in my voice.
You are describing my mom. She is probably emotionally dysregulating because you have moved away and she doesn't have the tools to deal with the intensity of her emotions. Don't try to fix those feelings for her. As you know, you can't. In my experience, the best thing to do is give her time to self-soothe. As much time as she needs. Validate her feelings (validating doesn't mean you agree), use SET, don't JADE, all the usual tools we use (available on this website). Ignore the emails/texts designed to push your buttons, and reward any email that doesn't do that. Don't respond to an email instantly, but take lots of time (maybe days) to plan and think about a response that uses the tools mentioned above. Definitely
don't respond to the emails that threaten you, because responding to those, is rewarding her behavior of sending you threatening emails, which means you will get more of them.
If you wanted, you could write out a copy of an email she sent to you, and a draft of your response using the tools mentioned, and post on the site here, and then we could make suggestions to help with your response. Just an idea.
I deeply care for my Mom, and want a relationship with her. I forgive her and want what’s best but I have my own issues in life that are preventing me from moving forward.
Right! And you have an amazing start by moving to your own independent residence. Congratulations for making that move!
It sounds like you have a great plan in place (including saving money for a T). So stay strong with your plan. Find a T when you are able, keep posting on our site, and know that you are not alone. You are doing great work!
