I don't have BPD YOU do

[Oceanfish]

My daughter was required to be hospitalized for a few days after a public, drunk meltdown. After, she saw a therapist for awhile and contacted me to let me know she felt our relationship put her well being at risk. She stated her therapist believes I have BPD. I was shocked to my core. I contacted a couple of lifelong friends who I continue to be close to to see if they had concerns about my behavior. They did not. I then saw a therapist with expertise in this area to get an evaluation. He also did not see BPD characteristics. As I began reading about the disorder, it does seem that she likely got the diagnosis herself. She meets most of the criteria. I have always been concerned about her mental health, and for good reason. She is also very similar to my mother, who struggled with mental health. If I had known then what I know now, therapy for her would have looked much different. Is it typical to get that diagnosis and then slap it on someone else? (particularly after "splitting")

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PearlsBefore]

Well keep in mind three possibilities...

Firstly the therapist is only hearing HER descriptions of you and if SHE is bpd then she likely projects her own behaviors onto her caretakers...so the therapist might think solely you have BPD by that telling.

Secondly, the therapist might have just tried to make it easier for your daughter to accept her own BPD diagnosis by correctly noting that there is often (not always) a mother-daughter transmission wherein a child has BPD because one of the parents has BPD (or also schizophrenia, or they might be perfectly healthy parents of course).

Thirdly, the therapist might have only told her that it sounds like only she has BPD, but your daughter prefers to project that entirely onto you.

[beatricex]

hi oceanfish,

Yes, someone anonymously  mailed me a book about BPD about 25 years ago.

I read it and it helped me understand that was my mom!

The only thing a therapist ever labelled me with (and i continually asked if they thought i was borderline after receiving the book) was "adjustment disorder."

At the time that was probably necesary for insurance purposes, and medical coding.

b

[Resiliant]

Hi Oceanfish,

It makes total sense to me that your daughter would come home with that.   It's awesome that you went out and got evaluated, confided in and asked friends etc.   At this stage I would simply recognize the projection.   Even if your daughter went as far as to ask the therapist if he thinks you have BPD and his response was "I don't know but it is possible" that could be enough for her to interpret it according to her projections.

My son is as honest as the day is long, but he still has projections, distorted memories and the like.

I got thinking that this could be a real opportunity for you.  If you think she would be receptive then you could tell her that based on what she said you are researching BPD to learn more about it and would she like to watch a Marsha Linehan video with you etc.   Of course, you would have to choose those very carefully and it may lead to more accusations so you have to be prepared for more tough stuff.   Hopefully it could plant a seed in her head without you saying anything where she realizes she has some issues to work on and she will be receptive to therapy. 

Just an idea - maybe someone else could weigh in on this because sometimes my ideas backfire!

R