I am new & need strength in boundaries with adult child.

[jaclynfaith]

Hello- I am happy to know this group is here.  I didn't even know BPD was a thing.  I am really working on boundaries that I haven't held in the past.  It is new for me but I understand they are helpful for both of us.  It is scary sometimes when you are unsure if your child will hurt themselves or not.  Also when you know they have little money and no transportation but are hungry yet don't ask you for food.  Am I enabling if I send food? I don't know how extreme my not engaging should be.  Any ideas?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[losttrust]

What about a gift card to a grocery store so he buys what he needs himself or a credit to a delivery service like Instacart. 

[KBug]

I'm struggling, too, with setting boundaries with an adult child.  It's really hard to balance helping them to be independent and giving them appropriate support. Mine right now is in college but living at home so my husband and I as well as her mother (depending on who she is least upset with at the moment) provide some support-a place to live, food, and tuition but she has to pay for her other expenses.  The support decisions will become more difficult if she isn't able to keep a job after college, which we fear.  Our current thinking is that we will help her a little bit when we can but we try to help her be as independent as possible and we WON'T do anything to threaten our financial security.

I like losttrusts' idea of buying giftcards for food.  Many people with BPD struggle with substance abuse and you can stipulate on many grocery giftcards that the card cannot be used for alcohol. I would also help your child to connect to local food banks.

[AnotherMother]

Boundaries are difficult things for anyone...and even more so for those who have a BPD child. In the simplest sense, boundaries are the line between where I end and you begin. I found with my BPDD, I would often let feelings of fear, anxiety, and sadness be a guide for drawing the line. Needless to say, things were often very blurry and her crisis was my crisis. Her lack of money became my financial emergency. Her poor choices became my drama and chaos. But, as much as she helped create the situation she was living in, so did I. And that was a pretty hard pill to swallow...
Now, I look at it differently. Boundaries are not something that make me or my daughter less than - they actually give each of us the room we need to grow and exist in this world as two separate human beings. Even though my daughter has BPD, she's still a human being who deserves the respect and dignity I would give any other human being. She has the opportunity to make mistakes, embrace success, and experience failure just like me. Even though I was frantic and frazzled running around after her, not one of my "emergency mom actions" helped or deterred her from anything.
Now that I can let her be her own person, I can actually appreciate her for who she is. Of course I still worry about her - but so do parents whose children choose to be firefighters and police officers. I work really hard to be the mother my daughter needs instead of the mother who I want my daughter to need. I continue to learn the language she speaks and love her the way she needs to be loved. Sometimes she's angry with me. Sometimes she can't wait to tell me all about a new friend or person or thing in her life.
The door is always open but it's her choice whether or not she walks through it. And, surprisingly, when I let her make the choice, I see her choosing to be a part of our lives more and more.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best!