And now she has a host of health problems

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've written about wanting to divorce because I can't see life like this for too much longer, and am exhausted by all the FOG and eggshells.

I was feeling much closer to being able to actually pull the cord, and then this week a bunch of health stuff came up beyond the usual anxiety and panic attacks.

Now she's being seen for possible internal bleeding, an ulcer, anemia, iron deficiency, and needs a colonoscopy and endoscopy. I feel stuck because this is obviously not a good time to have a divorce talk or just leave, and then have her telling herself the story that I abandoned her when she needed me the most.

I don't know what to do. Just stick around and keep acting till she at least knows what's going on medically, or just do what's best for me anyway.

 

[siochain]

I've written about wanting to divorce because I can't see life like this for too much longer, and am exhausted by all the FOG and eggshells.

I was feeling much closer to being able to actually pull the cord, and then this week a bunch of health stuff came up beyond the usual anxiety and panic attacks.

Now she's being seen for possible internal bleeding, an ulcer, anemia, iron deficiency, and needs a colonoscopy and endoscopy. I feel stuck because this is obviously not a good time to have a divorce talk or just leave, and then have her telling herself the story that I abandoned her when she needed me the most.

I don't know what to do. Just stick around and keep acting till she at least knows what's going on medically, or just do what's best for me anyway.

 

[DefiantRaspberry]

I've written about wanting to divorce because I can't see life like this for too much longer, and am exhausted by all the FOG and eggshells.

I was feeling much closer to being able to actually pull the cord, and then this week a bunch of health stuff came up beyond the usual anxiety and panic attacks.

Now she's being seen for possible internal bleeding, an ulcer, anemia, iron deficiency, and needs a colonoscopy and endoscopy. I feel stuck because this is obviously not a good time to have a divorce talk or just leave, and then have her telling herself the story that I abandoned her when she needed me the most.

I don't know what to do. Just stick around and keep acting till she at least knows what's going on medically, or just do what's best for me anyway.

 

She will tell herself that story no matter when you leave or what you do. It's probably brought on by all the intense anxiety they feel 24/7. Stay strong.

[ForeverDad]

There will be a “right time” and you will know when that is. For now, you’ve got plans in place.

I will usually comment that if you're waiting for the perfect time to end it, it will never happen.  Just as you've had delay after delay after delay.  I think Cat is saying you'll find your right time when any remaining feelings of guilt or obligation are replaced/overwhelmed by concern for yourself and especially concerns for the children.

There is no perfect time.  If there was, then probably your stbEx would find a way to sabotage it.  How much of her current medical issues is your fault?  The "O" in FOG is Obligation (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).  At what point will your sense of Obligation end?  That's your decision.

[siochain]

None of her medical issues are my fault, unless stress over her sensing that I want to exit the marriage is the cause. But even then, that's a cause but not a fault, since everyone has the right to decide if they want to remain in a marriage or not.

If I had an employee who did a lousy job, and I had to let them go, and they then turned to drink, became an alcoholic, got evicted and wound up out on the street, my terminating his job would be a cause, yet his life condition wouldn't be my fault. I don't have to keep an employee who's making my business suffer out of obligation, and we don't need to keep spouses who make our lives suffer either.

[siochain]

 
I was almost getting up the nerve to leave this week.

Then she had a bunch of scans and health concerns from her doctor, but then they all seemed to be alright.

Suddenly, she started making an issue last night about how she had texted me "I love you" and didn't get the "I love you too" response back till she pushed for it all day.

She works today and texted me good morning, and when i asked how she was she just said 'I'm ok" so I replied "ok".

In the afternoon, she texted me that her boss sent her home for not looking well, and that she's been feeling weak and sleeping, and I was doing stuff and hadn't seen it yet, and then about 20 minutes later "k well sorry to bother I misunderstood I thought you wanted to know how I was doing?"

About an hour and a half later I saw it and replied "Sorry I don't understand why you're saying that and sorry you're feeling so weak."

She replied "I'm at the hospital" so I called, no answer. I texted "what happened?" and she replied "leave me alone please".

I repeated "what happened?" no answer.

[Kimberly2021]

I am in a similar situation, though an escalated version as I stayed with my BPD husband for 5 years after he had a slew of health problems come up, such as epilepsy, ulcers, sleep apnea, severe anxiety, panic disorder, and then later a chronic condition that's fatal without regular treatment.  I stayed out of love for him and wanting to help him through difficult times.  The sicker he got, the worse his behavior became and the harder it was to live with him.  I left him on several occasions over the years, first few times for a couple of hours, then for a weekend at a friends house, and now finally I've left for the foreseeable future (hoping he would see this as a wake up call and start making effort towards peace in our marriage).  He blames me for him getting sicker since I left, which, unless I'm a witch, couldn't possibly be influenced by me.  I tried for years to get him to eat better, use his CPAP machine to get better quality sleep, go outside and get sunshine and exercise, drink more water, and the result every time would be an argument over me being pushy and trying to control his life.  My presence has zero effect on his health, because he doesn't prioritize his health.  Everyone is responsible for their own life and body.  You can provide your love and support all day long, but it won't make a difference if they don't want it to.

I became the punching bag for my BPD husband's problems and frustrations with life.  I stayed far longer than I should have, because I was waiting for the "right time" to leave, hoping his health would improve so I wouldn't feel as guilty for "abandoning" him.  There is never a perfect time to leave.  You will most likely be blamed for any escalations in your partner's condition.

You can love and support them from a distance.  Stay strong and stay true to what you need for your own healing and mental health.  Their journey is tough, yes, but it is their own to go on.  All we can do is pray they see the benefit of growth.

[ForeverDad]

Over the years - decades and even centuries - there have been books written and movies filmed about persons shipwrecked and trapped on desolate islands.

• Robinson Crusoe
• The Mysterious Island
• Swiss Family Robinson
• Gilligan's Island
• Castaway
• etc

Notice the fact that life in civilization continued on?  And those trapped on the deserted islands took care of their own needs for life?  After all, she has family and other friends, right?

Can you picture yourself "trapped" in your own "island" where you can only care for yourself... and your friend will also have to care for herself?

The reality is you cannot fix her.  She is, whether consciously or unconsciously, using your feelings for her to limp along using you as a crutch rather than stand on her own two feet.