To answer the dishes question it’s actually both. I’ve waited for her notice and I’ve asked and waited. Things only happen “on her time table not mine”. That’s a common phrase of hers.
Can you describe more how a typical interaction about, say, the dishes, goes? I.e., you ask her "hey babe, when you have time, can you do the dishes" and she is like "quit nagging me, I'll do them on my own time table", then you say "I was just asking, they didn't get done on Monday", then she... rages? What are the rages like -- i.e., yelling? throwing things? pouting? screaming? arguing? other?
More just getting a feel for how things have gone. I am not the expert by any means on changing the directions of this type of interaction (again, it's not my husband with BPD, it's his kids' mom), but I think the more we can get some details on "here is how it usually goes", the more we in the group can say "hey... what would it be like if you did X? or, Y and Z? try it out and let us know". There are some really experienced members here who have spouses with BPD, and I am sure they will be along to comment.
I do like your suggestion of paper plates and things just to make it easier on me
Yes, you deserve to have breaks. And, I see that you're posting on "Bettering", so it sounds like at this point you do want to make things work. You've probably heard the phrase from airplanes: "Put on your own oxygen mask first, before helping others do so". When you can find ways to make your life a little calmer, less full, and less demanding, then you'll have more resources to work on the relationship (again, assuming that is what you would like). Maybe "paper plates saved my marriage" is overkill, but hey, you never know.
It wasn’t like this on the beginning but it never is.
Are you up for sharing some more about how your relationship started out? Was there a turning point when you were like, Yeah, that day was when things really went south? Or was it more a gradual slide into how things are now?
Now she wants a baby and we have found a donor but part of me really doesn’t want too because I’m afraid that’s one more thing I’ll have to do.
That is VERY wise of you to start tapping the brakes. It is incredibly difficult to coparent with someone with BPD traits. I think it is pretty realistic of you to think "well, she says she wants a baby, but I look at all the responsibilities in our lives, and... I kind of end up with most of them, and I don't have the capacity to add a baby to the mix". And, if she is not able or willing to manage her volatile emotions and raging, then that will be destructive to a child's wellbeing.
Do you guys do any couples counseling? Or just solo?
OK... I'll wrap up for now...
kells76