If I were wrote a children's book about their BPD parent - what should it say?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was looking through my old posts and saw I've griped multiple times about the lack of children's books on BPD. There are a few aimed at the 3-5 year old crowd (Alex/Umbrella is pretty bad, Millie is meh, Meltdown Moments is pretty good)...but really none aimed for children older than that.

So I was thinking about creating one, maybe collaborating with some people here, for 6-12 year olds. This age range doesn't have any books aimed at them yet, and is not able to process more complicated books (whereas simple adult books and teen books are largely indistinguishable).


-----------------------
Here's my thought process so far,  .just brainstorming right now. I'm not wedded to anything (dang, don't let HER see that statement), please offer better suggestions than my own. Website won't let me edit in your suggestions, but we'll just list them all below.

-Keep it illustrated on every page, but perhaps just ink illustrations if I can't find a talented artist to volunteer. 50-75 words/page across 30-60 pages so that the book has more pages and feels more grown-up than a 10-page book that looks like it's for kids.

-Main character is ~11 years old; younger children don't mind reading about older kids, but older kids don't like reading about younger children.

-BPD parent is likely going to be the mother since it's statistically most likely to be relatable for the largest audience. Possibly reference a classmate who has a father with BPD, or the mother mentioning her own father had it as a very minor reference.

-Avoid mindfulness tips as they will make the book less useful in 10-20 years from now; focus on the more fundamental tips about dealing with your own anxiety, Mom's anxiety, Dad's frustration with all the anxiety, validating each other's feelings without validating the non-issue.

-One of the things I like best about one of the books (MM, I think?) is that it didn't avoid mentioning the fact that physical abuse or worse might come from the BPD parent - but didn't simply repeat the "tell an adult, this is always wrong, this is not your fault" lecture and just assumed kids had already heard that enough...so just referenced it in passing as one of the things they're trying to fix in the family, etc.

-Perhaps have the story introduce a specific manufactured controversy/argument/fear that suddenly arises for the BPD mother (eg, she thinks that if she takes time to find a proper parking spot she'll be late entering the recital and everybody will always hate her forever...so she parks the car on the fountain, knocking over the flagpole and losing her shoes in the water only to realize everybody still loves her no matter what...or some better plot, that's like five seconds' thought).


-Demonstrating reckless behavior (dangerous driving per above? trying to jump into the lion cage? starting a kitchen fire?). Self-harm...some child-friendly way to address it? Again something more adult than binge eating but not as traumatizing as slicing her wrists...banging her head against the wall or pulling out hair?

-Shame/abandonment issues?

-Main character has a sibling? Gender of either?

-How to show instability of relationships? Have BPD parent hating the other parent for a few pages? Have sea change where BPD parent hasn't spoken to Aunt Emily for 8 years but today said she was a very close friend and phoned her and acted like they had always been like this?

-Wouldn't mind an example of the BPD's addiction issue, though avoid alcohol/drugs and find something else. The book is aimed at 10 year olds so they can handle something more mature than "ice cream", but maybe scratch-off tickets or tobacco or caffeine or something? Can't figure it out.

-BPD mother runs off following some melodrama about something minor but presented as a bit "silly" like panicking because nobody ate their vegetables so she thinks they'll all get scurvy and die and she'll be all alone and old and have nobody to help her find her glasses and everybody will hate her...and runs off, so they go looking for her - not in the playground, not at the corner store, not at Grandma's house...oh, they find her at the tree in the forest where they buried the pet cat three years ago and she's crying about the cat now. It doesn't make a lot of sense but sometimes Mommy is just like that, there are a lot of emotions and sometimes they get mixed up together. (Possibly we could combine the unstable relationships issue here by having the child remember that Mommy always hated the cat very much but now she says the cat was her best friend)

-Perhaps the positive/hopeful ending shows the main child character face some issue of their own (at school? while visiting grandparents at the retirement home?) that everybody expected would be too much for them to handle but the child smiles knowingly, not daring to tell them that he's super-strong and super-competent because he's learned to weather the storms and handle the unexpected at home - but he's content to just let everybody think he's a super-hero, etc.

-Just self-publish or find a tiny family-run on-demand publisher who wants to handle distribution - no royalties for anyone involved in the project, just the publisher gets a % and a % to some BPD-style charity.

[PearlsBefore]

I was looking through my old posts and saw I've griped multiple times about the lack of children's books on BPD. There are a few aimed at the 3-5 year old crowd (Alex/Umbrella is pretty bad, Millie is meh, Meltdown Moments is pretty good)...but really none aimed for children older than that.

So I was thinking about creating one, maybe collaborating with some people here, for 6-12 year olds. This age range doesn't have any books aimed at them yet, and is not able to process more complicated books (whereas simple adult books and teen books are largely indistinguishable).


-----------------------
Here's my thought process so far,  .just brainstorming right now. I'm not wedded to anything (dang, don't let HER see that statement), please offer better suggestions than my own. Website won't let me edit in your suggestions, but we'll just list them all below.

-Keep it illustrated on every page, but perhaps just ink illustrations if I can't find a talented artist to volunteer. 50-75 words/page across 30-60 pages so that the book has more pages and feels more grown-up than a 10-page book that looks like it's for kids.

-Main character is ~11 years old; younger children don't mind reading about older kids, but older kids don't like reading about younger children.

-BPD parent is likely going to be the mother since it's statistically most likely to be relatable for the largest audience. Possibly reference a classmate who has a father with BPD, or the mother mentioning her own father had it as a very minor reference.

-Avoid mindfulness tips as they will make the book less useful in 10-20 years from now; focus on the more fundamental tips about dealing with your own anxiety, Mom's anxiety, Dad's frustration with all the anxiety, validating each other's feelings without validating the non-issue.

-One of the things I like best about one of the books (MM, I think?) is that it didn't avoid mentioning the fact that physical abuse or worse might come from the BPD parent - but didn't simply repeat the "tell an adult, this is always wrong, this is not your fault" lecture and just assumed kids had already heard that enough...so just referenced it in passing as one of the things they're trying to fix in the family, etc.

-Perhaps have the story introduce a specific manufactured controversy/argument/fear that suddenly arises for the BPD mother (eg, she thinks that if she takes time to find a proper parking spot she'll be late entering the recital and everybody will always hate her forever...so she parks the car on the fountain, knocking over the flagpole and losing her shoes in the water only to realize everybody still loves her no matter what...or some better plot, that's like five seconds' thought).


-Demonstrating reckless behavior (dangerous driving per above? trying to jump into the lion cage? starting a kitchen fire?). Self-harm...some child-friendly way to address it? Again something more adult than binge eating but not as traumatizing as slicing her wrists...banging her head against the wall or pulling out hair?

-Shame/abandonment issues?

-Main character has a sibling? Gender of either?

-How to show instability of relationships? Have BPD parent hating the other parent for a few pages? Have sea change where BPD parent hasn't spoken to Aunt Emily for 8 years but today said she was a very close friend and phoned her and acted like they had always been like this?

-Wouldn't mind an example of the BPD's addiction issue, though avoid alcohol/drugs and find something else. The book is aimed at 10 year olds so they can handle something more mature than "ice cream", but maybe scratch-off tickets or tobacco or caffeine or something? Can't figure it out.

-BPD mother runs off following some melodrama about something minor but presented as a bit "silly" like panicking because nobody ate their vegetables so she thinks they'll all get scurvy and die and she'll be all alone and old and have nobody to help her find her glasses and everybody will hate her...and runs off, so they go looking for her - not in the playground, not at the corner store, not at Grandma's house...oh, they find her at the tree in the forest where they buried the pet cat three years ago and she's crying about the cat now. It doesn't make a lot of sense but sometimes Mommy is just like that, there are a lot of emotions and sometimes they get mixed up together. (Possibly we could combine the unstable relationships issue here by having the child remember that Mommy always hated the cat very much but now she says the cat was her best friend)

-Perhaps the positive/hopeful ending shows the main child character face some issue of their own (at school? while visiting grandparents at the retirement home?) that everybody expected would be too much for them to handle but the child smiles knowingly, not daring to tell them that he's super-strong and super-competent because he's learned to weather the storms and handle the unexpected at home - but he's content to just let everybody think he's a super-hero, etc.

-Just self-publish or find a tiny family-run on-demand publisher who wants to handle distribution - no royalties for anyone involved in the project, just the publisher gets a % and a % to some BPD-style charity.

[alleyesonme]

Great idea to put this together, and you've got a bunch of impressive ideas here.

One thing I'd say is that it may make sense to leave out the self harm part. The reason I say that is that the more low functioning BP's are less likely to lash out at the child and more likely to seek help. Not to imply that it's easy for a child to grow up with a low functioning BP as a parent, but I feel like it's more "obvious" in terms of "mom/dad is sick and needs help." I think where it's extra confusing and traumatic for a child is with high functioning BP's, as they never get help and frequently lash out at the child, so that angle may make the book more impactful. You could also put in something about how all of the child's friends love his/her BP parent because they only see them in small doses, and that would only cause additional confusion for the child when everyone is telling them how great their parent is but it isn't actually true.

[PearlsBefore]

Yeah, the self-harm is difficult - maybe self-sabotage instead? I like your idea about the frustration of friends or relatives thinking that she's the greatest mother ever and the cognitive dissonance it creates for the child - "Boy, they didn't see her five minutes before they rang the doorbell" or some sour thought. I'm having difficulty even pulling it all together in my head without it sounding like some embittered self-therapy effort, .

On the high vs low, maybe that's a good distinction to make with that "friend's dad" or "uncle" who also BPD...the main character thinking "Mom isn't like X, she doesn't act like that when people are visiting or we go out somewhere - she can control it better which is good, except it means people don't understand" or words that effect.

[alleyesonme]

Yeah, the self-harm is difficult - maybe self-sabotage instead? I like your idea about the frustration of friends or relatives thinking that she's the greatest mother ever and the cognitive dissonance it creates for the child - "Boy, they didn't see her five minutes before they rang the doorbell" or some sour thought. I'm having difficulty even pulling it all together in my head without it sounding like some embittered self-therapy effort, .

On the high vs low, maybe that's a good distinction to make with that "friend's dad" or "uncle" who also BPD...the main character thinking "Mom isn't like X, she doesn't act like that when people are visiting or we go out somewhere - she can control it better which is good, except it means people don't understand" or words that effect.

Exactly - that part must be so confusing and maddening for kids. I know that when I was growing up, my friends and I had a big crush on the mother of one of our friends, as she was very attractive, fun and nice to us. This is exactly how my stbEX presents herself to people on the "outside," and I could definitely see a situation if some roles were changed around where all of a boy's friends would think he had the best mom ever when he was terrified of her.

And that's a really good point about possibly making a mention of someone with "low functioning BPD" traits as well and giving a brief description of the similarities/differences between the two.

As for the addiction, I like your idea of gambling, as that can really affect the entire family.

You have a lot of really good ideas here. This is another example of something you could use to show the illogical and unstable nature of BP's, and it's based off of something that happened to me. The main character is sound asleep at 3 am in his room with the lights off and the door closed. His BP parent sees a spider, mouse, a leak in the faucet, or something else that couldn't possibly be the kid's fault in another part of the house, and immediately starts raging. The parent storms into the kid's room, turns on the light and starts screaming at the kid and blaming him/her. The kid has no idea what's going on, had no way of knowing that that problem even existed, let alone having any chance of fixing it. After enduring an hour of intense screaming, it finally subsides. The kid is traumatized and doesn't fall back asleep for the rest of the night. When he/she comes to the kitchen in the morning, his parent acts as charming and loving as ever, as if nothing ever happened. When the kid arrives at school that morning, one of his/her best friends makes a comment about how amazing his/her mom/dad is.