My mum is too difficult to handle

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi All

I was glad to find this forum so I could connect with people that have experienced what it's like to not have the normal parent that most people are lucky to have.

My mum was often a good mum when we were kids but she could alternate to suddenly being a violent and unhinged mum with no real reason for snapping.

Fast forward to 2016 and my lovely dad passed after a short cancer battle and all of a sudden this narcissistic behaviour started to appear, many idle threats of suicide. Trying to guilt trip my aunt into taking her dog so she could kill herself and threatening to kill the dog herself and telling my aunt it would be her fault.

The behaviour seemed to come in ever increasing and worsening cycles, abusing her prescription tranquilisers with alcohol when she never even used to drink.

She plays games by screening her calls and not answering the phone to me, my brothers or my aunt so if course my brother who lives nearby will go to check she's alive and get a mouthful from her whilst she's intoxicated on drink and pills - I've warned her GP over the months that she was sneaking extra prescriptions without anyone checking she was due then.

The last month and a half things have really escalated, I asked the mental health crisis team to intervene with her but if course with the pandemic affecting people they are stretched.

She us making up a lot of outlandish stories about things she claims various family members have done, she is extremely cruel and hurtful in her treatment of my aunt and brother who ate both placid people who've really trued to help her.

It's like she is trying to break us all down mentally and boy is she jealous! How dare my brother and I be close to our aunt! She is almost childish about it - we are 41 and 46 years old, we aren't bought off with gifts at our age! She tries to play us off against each other really bad!

On Jan 2nd I had a call from my brother to say that she was threatening suicide and telling him to pick her dog up in the morning and take him to an animal rescue - psychological games if course! He got fed up of it and had a fall out with her over it, next thing she is putting a suicide note through his door so once she took it to this level we had no choice but to take it seriously - at this stage she also had a lump on her head because she's been abusing pills again and had a fall. The police met my brother at her house and my mum told them and the ambulance crew that she had tried to kill her dog with crushed up pills hidden in chicken. They wanted to take her away there and then but she refused to be taken to a unit.

Anyway the mental health team are working with her again but her head just seems shot! My mum is not one for contacting me but I had a letter last week trying to poison my mind against my brother and aunt and telling me she was leaving the family and moving away, she wrote some loving stuff in it but it felt like she was being kind whilst mentally punching me in the face at the same time.

I wrote back giving her my love and support which I meant as I do love her but she just too toxic to like right now.

Anyway I got a tearful phone call from her again demonising my brother and aunt and asking me to visit because she wanted to change the will and needed me to sign it. She seemed kind of gentle at that point so with some intrepidation I visited on Saturday hoping for a nice time but it started as soon as I arrived, tears, ranting thst my brother is violent and evil - he's never been violent, she forgets thst I was there when we grew up and it was getting beatings and being terrified of her!

It was like she sat there going through a lifetime of stuff that she's done and looked for anyway to pin it on my aunt and brother, it was off the charts and I felt so uncomfortable. Even the drink she is blaming my brother for plying her with - he would never dare, he wouldn't to be around her if she under the influence as she's volatile at the best of times.

My aunt has given up on her because she can't take the constant hurtful attacks and lies, my brother has done with her because she was taking too much of a toll on her and I've reached that point too, I won't have her drive me into the ground every week, I have a busy job and life is hard as it is with lockdown and no pleasure to be had.

To listen to her the psychiatrist blames my family too - I somehow don't see a psychiatrist being that unprofessional!

The mental health people won't talk to me so I have no idea what they think of us or what they have truly diagnosed her with, she ticks every BDP box and her mother had the same traits (luckily I'm female but haven't had anything passed to me) , she has mentioned being told she has PTSD related psychosis - right now it's impossible to know what is truth with her. The annoying thing is there are family members that she is completely normal with - clever way to make other family members think she is the victim.

Anyone else on here had to sever a tie for their own sake?

[BigWideWorld]

Hi All

I was glad to find this forum so I could connect with people that have experienced what it's like to not have the normal parent that most people are lucky to have.

My mum was often a good mum when we were kids but she could alternate to suddenly being a violent and unhinged mum with no real reason for snapping.

Fast forward to 2016 and my lovely dad passed after a short cancer battle and all of a sudden this narcissistic behaviour started to appear, many idle threats of suicide. Trying to guilt trip my aunt into taking her dog so she could kill herself and threatening to kill the dog herself and telling my aunt it would be her fault.

The behaviour seemed to come in ever increasing and worsening cycles, abusing her prescription tranquilisers with alcohol when she never even used to drink.

She plays games by screening her calls and not answering the phone to me, my brothers or my aunt so if course my brother who lives nearby will go to check she's alive and get a mouthful from her whilst she's intoxicated on drink and pills - I've warned her GP over the months that she was sneaking extra prescriptions without anyone checking she was due then.

The last month and a half things have really escalated, I asked the mental health crisis team to intervene with her but if course with the pandemic affecting people they are stretched.

She us making up a lot of outlandish stories about things she claims various family members have done, she is extremely cruel and hurtful in her treatment of my aunt and brother who ate both placid people who've really trued to help her.

It's like she is trying to break us all down mentally and boy is she jealous! How dare my brother and I be close to our aunt! She is almost childish about it - we are 41 and 46 years old, we aren't bought off with gifts at our age! She tries to play us off against each other really bad!

On Jan 2nd I had a call from my brother to say that she was threatening suicide and telling him to pick her dog up in the morning and take him to an animal rescue - psychological games if course! He got fed up of it and had a fall out with her over it, next thing she is putting a suicide note through his door so once she took it to this level we had no choice but to take it seriously - at this stage she also had a lump on her head because she's been abusing pills again and had a fall. The police met my brother at her house and my mum told them and the ambulance crew that she had tried to kill her dog with crushed up pills hidden in chicken. They wanted to take her away there and then but she refused to be taken to a unit.

Anyway the mental health team are working with her again but her head just seems shot! My mum is not one for contacting me but I had a letter last week trying to poison my mind against my brother and aunt and telling me she was leaving the family and moving away, she wrote some loving stuff in it but it felt like she was being kind whilst mentally punching me in the face at the same time.

I wrote back giving her my love and support which I meant as I do love her but she just too toxic to like right now.

Anyway I got a tearful phone call from her again demonising my brother and aunt and asking me to visit because she wanted to change the will and needed me to sign it. She seemed kind of gentle at that point so with some intrepidation I visited on Saturday hoping for a nice time but it started as soon as I arrived, tears, ranting thst my brother is violent and evil - he's never been violent, she forgets thst I was there when we grew up and it was getting beatings and being terrified of her!

It was like she sat there going through a lifetime of stuff that she's done and looked for anyway to pin it on my aunt and brother, it was off the charts and I felt so uncomfortable. Even the drink she is blaming my brother for plying her with - he would never dare, he wouldn't to be around her if she under the influence as she's volatile at the best of times.

My aunt has given up on her because she can't take the constant hurtful attacks and lies, my brother has done with her because she was taking too much of a toll on her and I've reached that point too, I won't have her drive me into the ground every week, I have a busy job and life is hard as it is with lockdown and no pleasure to be had.

To listen to her the psychiatrist blames my family too - I somehow don't see a psychiatrist being that unprofessional!

The mental health people won't talk to me so I have no idea what they think of us or what they have truly diagnosed her with, she ticks every BDP box and her mother had the same traits (luckily I'm female but haven't had anything passed to me) , she has mentioned being told she has PTSD related psychosis - right now it's impossible to know what is truth with her. The annoying thing is there are family members that she is completely normal with - clever way to make other family members think she is the victim.

Anyone else on here had to sever a tie for their own sake?

[beatricex]

hi BigWideWorld,
It sounds like your mom has crossed a few boundaries with you and other relatives (your aunt and brother).

Yes I've had to sever a tie for my own good.  I went almost 7 years NC.  It has been almost 7 since I resumed contact, but I would do it again in a second, and my BPD'd mom knows it.

She rarely pushes me, and since I'm ultra sensitive to the abuse, if I even get a whiff of it I'm OK blocking her emails and/or texts.  Do I tell her this?  No, that would be giving her way too much power.  I just block and unblock as I feel necessary.

I've come a long way from the enmeshment of my youth.  I do have 5 siblings, so if my mom can't get a reaction out of me, she has other people to torment. 
The trick is to not trigger her feelings of abandonment.  I am really careful to just give her enough, so she doesn't freak out.

 

b

[BigWideWorld]

Hi B,

Torment is a good word for it!

Itscat a stage where I just couldn't see the behaviour stopping unless we circuit break ourselves from pandering to her.

I live in hope that her mental health workers can see what is going on with her and help her.

Jules