My fp is my teacher. Having trouble maintaining relation with her.

[Dreamless001]

Few days ago I heard about BPD while reading something on quora. I think my fp is one of my University teacher. Having some issues maintaining relation with her. 


I am a undergrad student (male). I am a very active (or at least was) student in my Department. Thus i got the chance to get in touch with our teachers. Among them one of the teacher (female) is my favourite. I don’t know when I developed emotional attachment with her. Its been 4 years now, i am at my last semester. I care for her very much, like to do anything she asks, sometimes even before asking. She also cares for me Sometimes, at least that is what seems to me and my batchmates. They sometimes tease for that, but I enjoy it. Who won't be happy if someone says your fv teacher also cares for you. In these years there were several times when I got angry with her also, stopped talking to her whenever she did something that didn’t met my expectations. But that didn’t last longer, somehow she always manage to have me talking, sometimes by caring much. You know the kind of ups and downs. But over the time I felt that I am strongly attached to her  that my emotions are controlled by her. When she admires me or when we talk, it makes my day and whenever I felt like she is ignoring me I feel terrible anxiety. Sometimes its my expectations sometimes its her complications (as my friends put it) that leads toward that kind of situation. 

In the wake corona virus situation my family was also having some issues which cause me much stress and anxiety. Almost a month ago the situation get that bad, i decided move from the house (in our country which is not a common thing). I was having so many thoughts including quiting my study at last semester. Than i decided to talk to her. And texted her about that, we fixed a schedule but that day she was very busy couldn’t able to give me much time. So she told me to call her if I want or we can talk another day. As the University wasn’t fully open teachers only came to the office if they need to. So I wanted another schedule, But she couldn’t manage time as she was busy (she was also having another MA degree). She changed the schedule several times, which caused me more anxiety thinking that she doesn’t care for me. In the mean time she asked me to assist her in a research project (we Didn't started working yet). Whatever after couple of schedule changing we finally talked and she was so nice to me. She listened to me carefully advised me, thats like showing me the path that I could not able to decide. And also inspired me not to quite right before the edge of graduation. However my exam was knocking at the door too so I decided to sit for the exam though I wasn’t able consentrate fully. That was her last day at office too as she was going to a study leave. That day after our conversation I  asked for  a favour from her, if she could give me the books she referred during the class/online class as i have no idea from where should I start reading (borrowing books from teacher is not a serious issue here at uni). I wasn’t in touch of academic work for couple of months. She told she will give. Than my exam statrted and during this I called her for a reminder. She said she will bring the book at office if she comes or I have to collect them from her home. I went to her home  couple of times before. Two days later when I was at dept after exam of another subject I saw her. I called and waited for her and when finally got the chance to talk she said she was sorry she couldn’t give me the books as she recently moved to a new house and the those books are packed with other book which she didn’t organised in the self yet. I understood but was slightly disappointed though, had little chit-chat with her. On my way back home that caused me anger & stress. But I controlled it. At night I called her for another reason, she didn't recieved. In The next day around the same time I called her again she rejected the call. (Normally I call her if needed Between 9pm-10pm and she recieves most of the time). So I texted her asking why she is not receiving my calls,  is there any problem. The next day she replied that she is on study leave, we all know that but teachers and students are calling her, causing problems in her class time. She doesn’t want to be contacted by them. As per my knowledge she has classes in the day time so for the last few months whenever I wanted to talk I called her at night, and she also recieved. I lost words to reply. After couple of hours I sent her a message saying that I am sorry I Didn't know she has classes after 9 pm too. Didn’t meant to annoy her for my problems. I won't bother her again. (I know she doesn’t have any classes after 5pm, she told me once, just don't know why she said that) And thats it.

Whenver thoughts related to her hits my mind I feel anxiety. Specially some specific thought that kinda roaming around, "she didn’t even asked why I've called, she knew I was having issues, but seems like she don't care. My batchmates thinks I'm her fv student or something like that. But what is a relation if I get ignorance when I needed her". These thoughts causing me trouble, sometimes I feel anger, anxjety, stress, emotional breakdown how you  name it. When I feel it, I feel it very intensly. So I've decided to emotionally detach from her. She has included me as Research Assistant in her two research project one is from varsity other is her personal. We were supposed to work together (with others as well) after my exam. May be she will call after couple of weeks later for the research purpose. She kind of does this whenever we have some complicated situation. She will call me if she needed anything or if we met somehow, she will talk to me like nothing happened. And if I still show my anger she will lough and dismiss it and I also somehow forget all those staff. One of my close friend in varsity with whom I share everything tells, my anger with her is like a thin glass. I get angry with her but it breaks down whenever she talks to me.

Right now I couldn’t decide anything. Whether I should work with her if she calls, there is little chance of meeting with her at office as she is on study leave. And I am not going to call her again. Sometimes I feel terribly. Angerness, anxiety how you define it. Like I said few days ago I get to know about bpd and than read about that for days. I think I have symptoms of bpd and she is my fp. Just don't know how to act, how to detach emotionally, how to cope.

Note: Though sometimes romantic imagination comes in my mind I know its not happening. She is married and have 3 kids. Of course I want/wanted her in my life, just as person I can trust, who can guide me. In my country/society talking with teacher in phone if needed is quite normal, there is no strict law for that. And we don't have full time therapist/psychologist at my university.