God the pain

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So I was hoping that I could post again to the trying to work it out board but itappears as if that choice has been taken from me. My partner has left me once again and I believe it is now permanent. We spent more than a year in a break up/makeup cycle which has left me devastated. Just yesterday she called me to see when I might be able to get the rest of my things. I am so hurt by this, I do really love her.

This last set of break-ups occurred  at the holidays. She dumped me at Christmas and then again at New Years. At Christmas we had decided to seek counseling after  the new year.

The pain is so intense. I have been in therapy because of a break-up several month ago. She has shattered my self-image, my self-esteem and overall she has left me broken. I turn to you all now, looking for ideas to help, wondering if she will come back again and how to move on.

Thank you for being here.

[Voudou]

So I was hoping that I could post again to the trying to work it out board but itappears as if that choice has been taken from me. My partner has left me once again and I believe it is now permanent. We spent more than a year in a break up/makeup cycle which has left me devastated. Just yesterday she called me to see when I might be able to get the rest of my things. I am so hurt by this, I do really love her.

This last set of break-ups occurred  at the holidays. She dumped me at Christmas and then again at New Years. At Christmas we had decided to seek counseling after  the new year.

The pain is so intense. I have been in therapy because of a break-up several month ago. She has shattered my self-image, my self-esteem and overall she has left me broken. I turn to you all now, looking for ideas to help, wondering if she will come back again and how to move on.

Thank you for being here.

[SinisterComplex]

So a question...why would you want this partner back? What do you want for yourself? Does this partner dictate your happiness or do you? Food for thought. Instead of wondering whether your partner will come back or not just focus on you and what you can control. You matter. Your life is where the value is at.

As for how to move on...I'll just be blunt...you have to NIKE this thing...Just Do It! Take some time for introspection and really think what do you want for yourself? What goals do you have? What passions do you have but you are leaving on the back burner? Place your focus there. Be happy with you first and then let the rest fall into place. Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[once removed]

a lot of the people on the Bettering/Reversing a breakup board are on the receiving end of a breakup, especially those in a makeup/breakup cycle.

if you want to reconcile, id still encourage you to post on that board. Detaching is for members that are committed to breaking up, and the advice you receive is going to revolve around that.

[Onoono]

Voudou - I’m sorry for your immense pain. I feel I could’ve written that post word for word 6 months ago. It’s uncanny how many of our experience sound similar and most certainly leave us feeling the same pain/worthlessness.

Just know that it’s possible you’ve forgotten aspects of yourself like your esteem but in time (it took me the best part of a year) you’ll rediscover yourself. It won’t always feel this horrible.

Can you share more about the reason/s she broke up with you, especially on such occasions and since you’d agreed to seek counseling together?

[Voudou]

I posted to this board because at the moment we are separated and she just recently asked me to pick up the rest of my things. I feel like she is finalizing things. Not what I really wanted but...

At Christmas, the tension began to build. I know she had some significant events that happened at this time of year in her life. Loss of parent, etc.. She gets engulfed and claims she is losing herself in the relationship. She tells me I am manipulating her and she is afraid to tell me things. I will freely admit that I am not without flaws but I honestly believe that some of these things are born from a reality I do not share with her. She makes me feel like a monster and I rack my brain attempting to pinpoint incidents when I may have displayed any such behavior. I love this woman, I don't want to own her.

On Christmas Eve, I reached out and told her I missed her. Amazingly she brought me back for Christmas. I began to suspect it was for the gifts I had purchased her. A week later she dumped me before New Years, claiming she must follow her feelings and can no longer be in a relationship with me but she cares for me.

I know I cannot argue with whatever she is going through. I feel out of control with my feelings now. Does she miss me? Why  did this happen? Was I not good enough?

I do want to heal, I want to find the person I was before all of this began. For now I am just in pain. I go between indifference and the begging someone or something to bring her back. How desperate. Never have I had a break-up like this. I know many of you have come before me and have had similar experiences. I am just asking for a bit of your strength and stories to help pull me up.

[cash05458]

Voudou,

I am sorry this is happening. Yes, being left is terrible and very painful.

I lived with mine for 6 years and early december she simply announced she was done, had no interest in trying to"fix" anything and had fallen in love with a complete stranger from facebook who lives in another country...now, she is planing to move there with him. Her complete ability to simply change practically overnight stunned me. Yes, we had our things, but I NEVER imagined anything like this even as a small possibility.

You say:  "I feel out of control with my feelings now. Does she miss me? Why  did this happen? Was I not good enough?"

I have had and still to some extent have those feelings tho they are less now. I have read many stories here, spoken to many...it did help me start to realize that this wasn't, in a certain sense, about me...it concerned me, but wasn't really ABOUT me...rather, it's her disorder...it is easy to see that for others, as I can about you ...but it is harder to feel that for one self. Do not blame yourself V.

Your feelings are probably going to feel out of control for a while...mine still are to some extent...but it gets better. It really does.

I look back now, tho I am still in deep suffering, and see via her disorder that there was nothing at all that I could have done...there was nothing to tweak, or try on my part...not that I am perfect and I certainly am not...but the disorder is so much larger than everyday relationship problems...it has a force of it's own...a force far stronger than me or willpower to fix or change or even comfort...

I look back now and can see so many signs and "symptoms" I guess you might say...that for me to worry about how I could have stopped it would be akin to trying to change a terrible car accident after it took place...it still remained totally overwhelming...

There will be others here who have been thru this thing and worked thru it...I am sure they will offer more practical advice.There are many many wonderful folks here.

[SinisterComplex]

I posted to this board because at the moment we are separated and she just recently asked me to pick up the rest of my things. I feel like she is finalizing things. Not what I really wanted but...

At Christmas, the tension began to build. I know she had some significant events that happened at this time of year in her life. Loss of parent, etc.. She gets engulfed and claims she is losing herself in the relationship. She tells me I am manipulating her and she is afraid to tell me things. I will freely admit that I am not without flaws but I honestly believe that some of these things are born from a reality I do not share with her. She makes me feel like a monster and I rack my brain attempting to pinpoint incidents when I may have displayed any such behavior. I love this woman, I don't want to own her.

On Christmas Eve, I reached out and told her I missed her. Amazingly she brought me back for Christmas. I began to suspect it was for the gifts I had purchased her. A week later she dumped me before New Years, claiming she must follow her feelings and can no longer be in a relationship with me but she cares for me.

I know I cannot argue with whatever she is going through. I feel out of control with my feelings now. Does she miss me? Why  did this happen? Was I not good enough?

I do want to heal, I want to find the person I was before all of this began. For now I am just in pain. I go between indifference and the begging someone or something to bring her back. How desperate. Never have I had a break-up like this. I know many of you have come before me and have had similar experiences. I am just asking for a bit of your strength and stories to help pull me up.

So Voudou...2 things I really want you to work on not letting into your mind...Does she miss you and why did this happen. This is going to sound harsh, but hear me out. These 2 things are irrelevant. The next part...are you not good enough...proceed to throw some water in your face and give yourself a good smack. Then go to a mirror and look at the person staring back at you and tell yourself...no one determines your value but YOU. You and you alone determine your value. You are good enough. I along with others on this board can provide you support and strength, but you have to take that support and strength and put it to use. Be the awesome person you should be. I personally will not delve into your relationship. I would rather focus on just you. Now you can tell me to go fly a kite more or less, but understand I truly come from a place of wanting you to be better for YOU. Get yourself right and better things happen. Regardless of how people shoot down the narrative of positive thinking its a real thing. If all you do is think about the negatives then how in the hell can you have anything good happen?

Now if you can get yourself to a place where you are happy with YOU and you still want that person around or a relationship with them then that is your choice...no judgment here, but you would be making the choice from a place of power, not weakness. You would be making the choice based on hey I want this person in my life instead of I need this person in my life.

I truly wish you the best moving forward.

Cheers!

-SC-

[Voudou]

I want to thank everyone here for their support and their strength. I appreciate everyone's feedback. I am doing my best to pull myself together, focus on myself, and for the time being not worry about her. My pain will eventually pass, I know this is not the end of the world. I will keep moving forward and trust that better days are ahead. I will post and then use the tools I find here to help others. This board is a godesend. Thank you all!

[Voudou]

I want to thank everyone here for their support and their strength. I appreciate everyone's feedback. I am doing my best to pull myself together, focus on myself, and for the time being not worry about her. My pain will eventually pass, I know this is not the end of the world. I will keep moving forward and trust that better days are ahead. I will post and then use the tools I find here to help others. This board is a godsend. Thank you all!

[once removed]

stick around. theres real healing to do and it can be a pretty long term process.

how are things going?