Hi HP, and welcome to our family!
I read your post and OH my GOODNESS the similarities!
My son was only ever diagnosed ADHD, but an article in Time Magazine when he was around 18-19 made me wonder if he was bi-polar. The article talked about bi-polar children incorrectly diagnosed as ADHD and everything made sense including the fact that ADHD medications actually made things worse not better. Interestingly enough the last therapist we saw (together) when he was 29 years old suggested that he saw Asperger's (or high functioning ASD) instead. My current theory is a comorbidity of that and BPD. Yet, as you said
without a real psychoanalysis, we don't know.
The therapist only mentioned it to me, not him on a visit where he didn't show up. You said your son
refused that diagnosis and mental health care then, and that is the case today. He is 40.
I have never offered my son a "diagnosis", but he does refuse any help and even if I suggest counselling because he is suicidal he calls it gaslighting. My son is currently 32 years old.
My son is also extremely angry with me for putting him in a hospital when he was 25. How dare I put him in danger in front of cops and doctors!
I think that between the idea that the hospital is a dangerous place and that he doesn't want a diagnosis is that he fears what it could result in. He fears that it could mean he will be discriminated against, or worst case scenario he gets locked up against his will.
You said
When life is easy for him, he does pretty well, but when he's stress out, he often looks for reasons outside of a mental illness that is causing him symptoms.
Check
You said
He believes that we were abusive and we caused him to have PTSD.
check
He has told many family members that we are horrible people.
He has only talked that way about my husband that I know of. He tells friends and people he hardly knows that I have abandoned him.
My son lives on the other side of the country as well.
The craziest similarity that I did not expect is this one:
You said he believes he gets sick from inhaling mold in his apartment
CHECK!
My son was told back in 2017 (29 yrs old) that he could not come here because the last few times he was here he was very disruptive. That was before I knew about BPD. (I would handle things differently now). Anyways, he tested us a few months later by saying that he couldn't live in his apartment because of mold and bed bugs. I held my ground at the time and wouldn't take him in. I did purchase him a steam cleaner as a gift instead. He still brings this up constantly saying that I wouldn't take care of him in his time of desperate need. That I turned him away like an unwanted dog. Just yesterday - 3 years later - he texted me again saying he can't sing anymore because the mold has affected his lungs so badly. (He used to busk for a living and did well at it).
Only big difference is that my son only threatens to cut me off, but still reaches out nearly every day. Even if to berate me or tell me how much he is hurting.
I don't have any great advice at the moment but things will come to me. Hopefully others will chime in.
Wishing you all the best
R