High Functioning uBPD

[rum2020]

Since there is such a difference with lower functioning BPDs and higher functioning ones, is the advice still the same on whether to try to tell them about BPD? I understand that I can't diagnose or make that determination for my uBPDh but there seems to be such good groups, you tube videos, and workbooks that help people with BPD that it seems unfair to see him suffer and not to try to see if those would help him. Is there some magical way of getting your undiagnosed partner on some track to see if those things would help, without trying to force a diagnosis on them? And yes I realize I probably just need a reality check here, but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Also anyone with a BPD partner with chronic headaches found something that helps with that?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Whether your partner is high functioning or low functioning, it is not advisable to tell them you suspect they have BPD. People with BPD typically feel shame and self loathing and to tell them your suspicions will further alienate you.

It seems that you are hopeful that if your partner knew, he would be motivated to seek help. Sad to say, this rarely happens. Usually people with BPD think that difficulties in their lives are due to other people and outside forces. They seldom want to take responsibility for creating their own problems.

If you want to make changes in your relationship, it’s up to you to change how you respond to your partner. Often this can really help to make the relationship less emotionally fraught.

Keep reading here and tell us more about the difficulties you are having with your relationship.

[maxsterling]

You are a logical person.  Logic does not work for a person with BPD.  Logical people will take the news they have some kind of illness, feel the emotion, and find a way to deal with it or seek help.  You are assuming that he is the same.  People with BPD feel the emotion to an extreme, cannot cope with the emotion, and then wreak a path of destruction.

I can't see a situation where a person with BPD would ever react well to a spouse or other loved one mentioning BPD.  If you really want him to be diagnosed, about the only way is if he seeks help on his own, and he may then trust the therapist.  My wife was diagnosed in a hospital after she attempted suicide.  Many others are diagnosed only after something severe - substance abuse rehab, an arrest, etc. 

As CatFamiliar said, the best you can do is take care of yourself and work on your end of the relationship as much as you can.

[EyesUp]

On other forums, I read many posts that claim to be "diagnosed BPD" - Both B and non-B partners of Bs post about post-diagnosis experience.  NPD too.

I cannot help but wonder, what bridge did these individuals cross to get there?

I would describe my W as a high functioning CNPD/BPD.  In the past she's shown a great deal of self awareness re: low self esteem, self-destructive behavior and sabotage, passive aggressive behavior, etc., etc.  But in the past 3-4 years, she's become increasingly unavailable for reflective / self aware discussion, and more prone to rage.

I've been exploring progression in PDs, trying to learn more.  I know every situation is unique and there are no cut-and-paste solutions - but I would welcome any comments on high-functioning PDs, and potential processes to get them into treatment...

[Cat Familiar]

It can be quite a challenge to get a partner with BPD into therapy. https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

Here’s an article about how a relationship with someone with BPD evolves over time  https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

Admitting that one has BPD or NPD is just the first step. Usually long term treatment, ideally DBT, is needed.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/treatment-borderline-personality-disorder

[EyesUp]

Thank you, Cat.

[B53]

I guess my BP is a unicorn. He is high functioning in the fact that he has had the same job for 20 years, he doesn’t lie, except maybe white lies that most people tell and he has never cheated.
 
The episodes occurred about every 3 months, usually triggered by engulfment. In between there where never arguments about everyday things, it was always stories he made up in his head. When they were over we could always talk and he was able to see that what he was thinking was not based on reality. After about the first 4 episodes I was starting to have enough and he knew he was going to loose me if he didn’t do something. He searched out couples counseling and we went. The guy had no idea what he was dealing with and either did we at the time. I started searching the internet and googled multiple personality disorder and BPD also came up. It fit him perfectly. I waited a month for the right time to bring it up. It was after a Fourth of July picnic and we had a nice time. I already had what I wanted to say waiting. I read him a list of things that someone with a BPD partner feels, which is a reverse way of explaining BPD.  Then I asked him if he ever felt this way and read off the BPD list. He was very quiet and I let him think, but I also made it as light as I could and kept validated what was good about him. He thought about it and then agreed. It took about a month for him to get into counseling. I picked out the counselor that I thought had the experience/background that he needed. He started counseling and working a DBT program. Three months in he broke up with me again and I felt that I had enough. I did NC as best I could, but there were loose ends that needed to be tied up, so there was an email periodically. Over the Christmas holiday he wrote me an email, which I posted I think on the other forum that I named “Do I dare do this?” I got mixed advice, but mostly positive.I agreed to give it one more try. We were waiting for me to get a therapist for support, but since the world has gone crazy with Covid, everyone I contacted was booked. It started to go downhill quickly when we were emailing and I soon realized that way of communicating never worked for us, so I suggested getting together.We got together for the first time last weekend. It went surprisingly well. He really has changed. He talked about what he calls his journey and the anger from childhood abuse. He said for the first time in his life he feels happiness. He believes that we needed that time apart so he could work on himself. What is so sad is that BPDs are suffering too and if they just knew how much better life could be, more would get help. I feel like he grew up. I don’t know what the future will bring. We all know it’s always good at first, but it does feel different right now. I am caustically hopeful. I got a therapist that I will start talking to on Monday and we are searching for a couple’s counselor.
That’s my story.
B53

[Cat Familiar]

Since BPD is a spectrum disorder, not all who have it are as afflicted. Many of the individuals described on this forum would likely be diagnosed as having traits, not fullfledged BPD.

For those who merely have traits, the prognosis is much more hopeful. And since those traits likely emerged after childhood trauma, it’s often possible to learn new positive coping strategies, if one is motivated to do so. That’s the big IF...

[rum2020]

Thanks for all the responses. I agree EyesUp it is hard to see so many resources now for people with BPD and saying that they can get better, yet we have to keep our ideas to ourselves. That's awesome B53 that you were able to have that conversation, I wish you the best of luck.

It's been a rough morning. I sneezed in the middle of the night, and my uBPDh was pissed and wasn't able to get back to sleep. He didn't seem to be in that bad of a mood this morning other than commenting on it, and making sure I knew I was the reason he couldn't sleep last night. I let our dogs out, and I wait or go get them so my H doesn't have to while I am in the shower, took longer then normal, so of course I get the moody "What were you doing?" which I explained. Then of course I dropped my razor in the shower, which prompted a "What did you drop?" in an annoyed voice. Then he jokingly tells our dog to bite me several times, and now I am in an annoyed mood which of course he can pick up on in 5 seconds, so then there's the "What's wrong with you?" Which I say I didn't get a lot of sleep last night either after the whole sneezing incident, when really I was up all night because I am going through the Stop Caretaking book and fighting through the denial, anger, bargaining steps, and part of me is coming to the realization that I will never really feel safe to just be me in this relationship. I kiss him good bye, he's in a mood, I'm in a mood. So I text him saying good morning, that that really sucked I had to sneeze in the middle of the night last night and that I was sorry he didn't get any sleep after that. I doubt he will respond to that text, but text later about something else. I have never met anyone who has such an intense issue with sneezing, I can understand being upset about being woken up in the middle of the night. But when he sneezes he gets so angry, and states how much he f@#!ing hates sneezing. I would almost laugh if I didn't know that would trigger him into a rage, how can someone be that pissed at a simple normal bodily function? So many times I am just shocked at how every damn thing is a crisis situation.

[rum2020]

Sorry that was me just venting, he did respond and nicely. Things actually have been somewhat better since I learned about validating and been trying to implement. Sometimes it feels like patronizing or being more of a parent but it does seem to help.

[Cat Familiar]

Venting is important with these relationships and it’s much better to do it here than with friends and family, or worse, with your BPD loved one.

A tip on validation—don’t validate the invalid. Hating sneezing is invalid, but having difficulty getting back to sleep when awakened suddenly, is valid.

Also you might have seen the acronym JADE (Justifying, Defending, Arguing, Explaining). We tell people not to JADE. It’s a difficult habit to break, I know, I’m a chronic Explainer. I just think if I can explain something clearly enough, my husband  will understand my perspective. NOPE. Maybe when he’s in a calm mood, but if there’s a hint of dysregulation, NO WAY!

Explaining may go well with a “non” but with people with BPD (pwBPD), it’s often like throwing gas on the fire.  Here’s more information on JADEing: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

[rum2020]

Thank you for tips! Haven't gotten to the JADE article yet. Probably should read it toady before the weekend .

I agree about wanting to explain and thinking it will make a difference. I just don't understand the inability to see the differences in rules.

Yesterday he let one of our dogs out before a meeting and it had started to rain, and by the time he let her in she was soaked to the bone. He mentioned it a lot. I just told him that that sucked for both him and the dog. But everyone was fine and those things just happen. Where I had accidentally shut our dog in the garage before I took a shower once, came out to him in a complete meltdown, saying I had let her out back and that I had turned the porch light on when I hadn't, immediately knew where our dog was and went and got her, it had been ten minutes. He was furious, luckily he didn't throw anything and I got the cold shoulder all night. I said I was sorry and tried to make a plan to avoid that occurring in the future. It's just it's okay for him to be human and make mistakes but it's the end of the world if I do it.

[Cat Familiar]

Expecting fairness with a pwBPD is a setup for resentment. To be equitable, sometimes they can be perfectly reasonable and apply the same rules to your behavior as well as theirs, but once dysregulated emotions are elicited, poof, that fairness disappears.