Please help me generate a leaving text

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm not ready to leave yet, but I am constantly thinking of how it would play out if I did.
I think it would probably be a text message, as if she's triggered and begins to rage, she won't hear me anyway and become hysterical and I just can't deal with it.
I've constantly been drafting my text, trying to words things in the best way, but I could definitely benefit from some input.

Can you guys help please?

[siochain]

I'm not ready to leave yet, but I am constantly thinking of how it would play out if I did.
I think it would probably be a text message, as if she's triggered and begins to rage, she won't hear me anyway and become hysterical and I just can't deal with it.
I've constantly been drafting my text, trying to words things in the best way, but I could definitely benefit from some input.

Can you guys help please?

[ForeverDad]

I don't have specific points, but I agree, you should avoid triggering words or phrases.  The difficulty is that a person with BPD (pwBPD) can overreact — emotionally, physically and legally — to almost anything.

[DefiantRaspberry]

personally, a text feels too short, though I guess there is some merit in keeping short, factual and to-the-point. Alternatively, email or leaving a letter could work.

[siochain]

DefiantRasperry, I'm not sure that there's much to say by that point. Too much has already been said in these exhausting talks that go in circles. By the time I leave, I basically want to convey "I really tried, but I'm not feeling any better. In fact I'm only feeling worse. I know you tried too, and I'm not blaming you for anything, but I know what I'm experiencing and I just don't want to feel this way any more. I know that you believe I must try harder and stay and work on it some more, and that I cause myself to feel bad, but both people have to want to stay in something and I've run out of steam. I just want to feel like myself again, and I can't do that while continuing with this. We each played a role in one another's lives and taught each other valuable lessons. I will never hold a grudge and always wish you well, and I hope you will think kindly of me too."

I don't know..something along those lines.

[siochain]

"...and you're right, I DO tend to overthink, stress and worry myself. And I also did have many other stressors in my life, as did you.However, I STILL have the right to decide for myself whether or not to continue with a certain life or not, just as you do. Whether you accept it or not, this is what's happening. This is the choice I make for myself. If you accept it, it will be easier to begin healing, and we can wish each other well from afar. If you resist it, nothing good can come of it. Only more pain. Let's begin healing now by wishing each other the best, and thinking kindly of one another, and begin having no contact starting right now so we can move on. I hope you find peace, success and happiness, and the right person to share it with, who you can be happy with and grow with."

Those are some of the lines I'm thinking along. What suggestions do others here have?

[CoherentMoose]

Hello.  Have you read BIFF by Bill Eddy?

https://www.amazon.com/BIFF-Responses-High-Conflict-Personal-Meltdowns/dp/1936268728

?

My fiancé read this book and use the tips to craft her exit letter she left for her ex to read when he got home from work.  It was a very direct, to the point letter of a few sentences.  No apologies, no regrets.  Just information she was leaving with a plan to divorce with 50/50 sharing of the children, along with the only way to communicate would be through email.  She sent a simple text stating there was a letter at home for him to read and she turned off her phone for the weekend.  It was a Thursday.  She did not turn on her phone until Sunday...That turned out to be a mistake, but that is another story.  Good luck.  CoMo

[siochain]

Thank you, CoMo.

I'll take a look.

[maxsterling]

I see you are married.  Any kids involved?  What about a house?  Is this in any way an abusive situation?

A few months after we were married, my W went into a very abusive phase towards me (and others).  I started talking with a few Ts and social workers about options.  Since we had just gotten married and things were in my name and considering the abuse, it was suggested to me to get a restraining order.  She would be forced to move out, and not be allowed to talk to me.  After that, contact a L and deal with the fallout. 

I thought that option was cruel, so of course I didn't do that.  A few years later when W was talking about divorce in every argument, I went to an L to get advice and make sure my bases were covered.  L suggested to not say anything, and to just have papers drawn up and have her served when I was not there.  Then to get a restraining order if she responded abusively.  Again I thought that was somewhat cruel.

My advice is that it may be best to first work on logistics for yourself, where you will live, what becomes of possessions, etc.   That way whenever you tell her you have everything covered and can make a clean break.  I say this because I feel when dealing with a pwBPD it really doesn't matter what you say or how you say it - she is likely to react strongly either way whether you serve papers, leave a dear john letter, or tell her in person.   

[maxsterling]

Hello.  Have you read BIFF by Bill Eddy?  ?

My fiancé read this book and use the tips to craft her exit letter she left for her ex to read when he got home from work.  It was a very direct, to the point letter of a few sentences.  No apologies, no regrets.  Just information she was leaving with a plan to divorce with 50/50 sharing of the children, along with the only way to communicate would be through email.  She sent a simple text stating there was a letter at home for him to read and she turned off her phone for the weekend.  It was a Thursday.  She did not turn on her phone until Sunday...That turned out to be a mistake, but that is another story.  Good luck.  CoMo

When I talked to an L, she suggested in a high conflict situation like this to actually not allow any direct communication, only through an intermediary, and that communication only be relating to the divorce/kids.  Any violation of that would be reported to the court.  It meant changing phone number, email, etc. 

[Goosey]

Actually an intermediary would be the way to go if it’s affordable.
  I get stuck on the “cruel” thoughts also. Even though is comical to feel guilty after all the... oh whatever.
  Would be costly I assume and these relationships are financially crippling.
 
 

[livednlearned]

"...and you're right, I DO tend to overthink, stress and worry myself. And I also did have many other stressors in my life, as did you.However, I STILL have the right to decide for myself whether or not to continue with a certain life or not, just as you do. Whether you accept it or not, this is what's happening. This is the choice I make for myself. If you accept it, it will be easier to begin healing, and we can wish each other well from afar. If you resist it, nothing good can come of it. Only more pain. Let's begin healing now by wishing each other the best, and thinking kindly of one another, and begin having no contact starting right now so we can move on. I hope you find peace, success and happiness, and the right person to share it with, who you can be happy with and grow with."

Those are some of the lines I'm thinking along. What suggestions do others here have?

"I have the right to decide for myself whether or not to continue with a certain life or not"
"This is what's happening. This is the choice I make for myself."

Those are the cleanest lines in your note. They express what you want (I statements) and are not defensive or overridden with guilt (can both be invitations to argue with you). They are firm and clear.

"Let's begin healing now by wishing each other the best, and thinking kindly of one another, and begin having no contact starting right now so we can move on.
"I hope you find peace, success and happiness, and the right person to share it with, who you can be happy with and grow with."

This is good guy stuff. You are wishing her well (vs accusing her of xyz). You could finish with "I am not that guy."

"I really tried, but and I'm not feeling any better. In fact I'm only feeling worse.

The word "but" is like a minus sign. It subtracts whatever you said before it.

"I know you tried too, and I'm not blaming you for anything, but

No real need to describe whether she tried or didn't try, whether you are blaming or not blaming (which would be canceled anyway by "but)

"I know what I'm experiencing and I just don't want to feel this way any more."

Boom. This is clear.

"I know that you believe I must try harder and stay and work on it some more, and that I cause myself to feel bad"

It seems like she has a history of telling you what you think, feel, believe (and you don't like it). It also opens the note up to debate on this point (for her).

", but both people have to want to stay in something and I've run out of steam.

Clear.

"I just want to feel like myself again, and I can't do that while continuing with like this."

Also clear.

"We each played a role in one another's lives and taught each other valuable lessons. I will never hold a grudge and always wish you well, and I hope you will think kindly of me too."

This rings a little hollow ... not sure what it is. It's hard to put a bow on things when it's a break-up letter. Maybe focus on how you feel (without assuming she will be able to see any upsides at this point, at least not yet).

Thoughts?

[siochain]

Thanks for taking the trouble to do all of that, livednlearned. I appreciate it.

That all makes a lot of sense.

With regards to the final line which you say feels hollow, what if I say "I feel we each taught each other things and played a role in each other's lives" etc, to keep it as an 'I' statement?

Anything else you think I should say?

The other night, when I tried again to tell her how I feel about the whole thing, she seemed like she was giving me an "out". She said "I refuse...absolutely REFUSE to be the cause of your misery. I want a husband, I'm not going to be without one, and I'll find one in a few months if you leave. This is not a marriage since we don't have intimacy and it doesn't even feel like we're dating. If you don't want to enjoy me I'll find someone who will.  But I never want to hear again about how I kept you here against your will".

So far so good, but then shortly after, an hour or so later, it was as if that never happened and by the next day it might as well have literally never happened. The default was reset, and everything she said the following day assumed we're staying together.

Then her doctor started calling with all these new health concerns and requests to schedule tests and various __scopies and now I feel trapped again.

As I said elsewhere, I don't want to fuel a martyrdom story of "he left me when I needed him the most and didn't care, and then blocked contact on everything and went on with his life", which could then be egged on by well-meaning sympathizers telling her how horrible that was, adding to the "painting me black", when worry about how she may react is the main thing that's kept me from leaving.

Feeling trapped.

[livednlearned]

With regards to the final line which you say feels hollow, what if I say "I feel we each taught each other things and played a role in each other's lives" etc, to keep it as an 'I' statement?

Sure.

I guess it depends on what your goal is.

Keeping it brief is often recommended to minimize the target. A smaller bullseye is harder to hit.

If you are struggling with FOG, then maybe look at the note as therapeutic. Something to help you get where you want to go.

I wrote a 10 page letter with the help of a therapist when I was preparing to exit my marriage. The T encouraged me to focus on facts only and that alone was therapeutic. My first drafts were riddled with appeasement, apology, guilt, obligation. It was like I was asking for permission and forgiveness from someone who was kicking me in the head.

By the time I was done writing and ready to hit send, the letter was clear, based on facts, and communicated the resolve I felt about leaving. The target was big but I had left the field.

What I learned is that strength is knowing what you want and feeling you deserve it. That can be communicated as much by what you do not say as by what you do say.

Anything else you think I should say?

Keep writing and editing if it helps. Keep track of what she says, similar to what you did above. And respond. See if that helps clarify what you might want to say.   

Then her doctor started calling with all these new health concerns and requests to schedule tests and various __scopies and now I feel trapped again.

That's rough 

Here's hoping she is ok.

Have you looked at the bettering board to see if there are self-preservation skills to help tide you over while this plays out? Sometimes we can do things to prevent them from getting worse, even if making them better isn't always possible.

[siochain]

Thanks, I'll take a look at the bettering board.

I wish I could just get out of this. Wish I never met her, or at least recognized BPD early on and got away before she stuck her talons in me.

All I want is to be free of her, and I'm so exhausted trying to figure out if, when and how. So tired of even thinking about this, talking to my friends about this, asking for advice about this.

Why can't someone just let you go when they can clearly see you don't want to be with them any more?

[alleyesonme]

Thanks, I'll take a look at the bettering board.

I wish I could just get out of this. Wish I never met her, or at least recognized BPD early on and got away before she stuck her talons in me.

All I want is to be free of her, and I'm so exhausted trying to figure out if, when and how. So tired of even thinking about this, talking to my friends about this, asking for advice about this.

Why can't someone just let you go when they can clearly see you don't want to be with them any more?

I think I speak for a lot of us here in that we know exactly how you feel. I have those same exact thoughts multiple times per day. Be thankful that you two don't have any children.

The one thing I'd say in response to some of your comments is that, while this is much easier said than done, try to remember that it doesn't matter what she thinks of you or what others say or think of you after you leave. None of them have been through the misery you have, and you aren't planning to maintain contact with any of them anyway moving forward. So if there are 5, 10, even 50 people that despise you after you divorce her, who cares? You get your life back, and there are billions of other people on this planet who will never know anything about what happened.

[siochain]

Thanks, alleyesonme. It does help us to know that others can relate and understand.

[alleyesonme]

Thanks, alleyesonme. It does help us to know that others can relate and understand.

You're very welcome. That's one of the things that makes this site so helpful.

[ForeverDad]

Will it help to take yourself out of the box of current what-ifs?  What I mean is to see this more objectively than subjectively.  Step outside the box and look inside from the outside.

One way to do that is imagine you've been here for years on this board (or elsewhere) and you have the opportunity to give some peer support to a new member here or to a friend.  What thoughts and perspectives would you share with him?

[formflier]

Can you reflect a bit and help us understand the importance of getting this text or these words right?

On the one hand I like getting my words organized so that I understand them and my thoughts "make sense".

on the other hand I like people to understand my words "in the way I want them understood".

Now, step back for a minute.  Let's say we get a note put together that we are pleased with.  What are the chances that your pwBPD will understand/react to the note in the way that you intend?

Best,

FF

[ForeverDad]

I think FF's point is that your stbEx is unlikely to grant you the closure you seek.

So separate your goodbye from your personal closure.  Closure will have to be something you Gift Yourself independent of whatever her response.

[formflier]

I think FF's point is that your stbEx is unlikely to grant you the closure you seek.
 

Yes...I actually think that instead of closure, a goodbye message is likely to add fuel to the fire.  As in the opposite of closure.

So...I'm a fan of your writing it, kicking it around here...editing...gettig it "right".  Big value there.

I have a hard time imagining that I would ever...EVER advise actually giving the letter

Best,

FF

[siochain]

So if I don't ever give the letter, how do I get out of this? Go somewhere safe and then call? I don't think I'll be able to do it in person.

[formflier]

So if I don't ever give the letter, how do I get out of this? Go somewhere safe and then call? I don't think I'll be able to do it in person.

We can sort that out later.

There are several threads going on and I wanted to tell you that I "sense a shift".  I think we should give it time and see if that sticks for you. 

Then perhaps you will feel more comfortable with a bigger shift or making the call or walking away or...(basically let's walk a little bit here before we run)

What I see is that she has pulled out some big time pwBPD skills and you "didn't engage"..that's good for you.

Yes it's important to think through how/what you are going to communicate...it's also just as important that you are confident in your plan.

Having a couple weeks of "history" where you stick to healthy stuff would seem to have to build up your confidence.  What do you think?

Best,

FF

[siochain]

FF-
That all sounds reasonable, but this limbo state is really getting to me. While I don't want to shoot myself in the foot by rushing, I also don't want to prolong this feeling, or risk leading her on now that I'm determined to leave.

[DefiantRaspberry]

So if I don't ever give the letter, how do I get out of this? Go somewhere safe and then call? I don't think I'll be able to do it in person.

You can give *A* letter, one that's just the facts of "I'm divorcing you. My mind is made up. I am not willing to discuss it. All communication now will be in writing and only about the mechanics of the divorce. I will be in touch in several days with the next steps."

since you don't have kids, etc, there's nothing against going NC then serving her