Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 07:07:01 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Advice about parenting  (Read 337 times)
Frank Gallagher
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1


« on: February 05, 2021, 08:19:14 AM »

My gf has bpd she is getting help but very little, she has always had trouble with my daughter I always thought it would get better we have been together since my daughter was 3 and she is now almost 17. I always feel like I’m stuck in the middle defending one or the other, my gf always says I don’t ask too much and I always agree I just don’t like how or when she brings up the things she does causes it’s always when she is mad so to me feels like she is just taking it out on my daughter and when I try to express that it always turns into a fight I don’t know what to do...
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

kells76
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 3246



« Reply #1 on: February 05, 2021, 09:41:03 AM »

Hi Frank Gallagher, welcome  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Glad you could find us here -- this is a group that understands the challenges you're having.

Wow, three people, and you're experiencing being in the role of defender most of the time -- either defending your GF or your daughter. That's exhausting and draining at best.

Have you ever heard of a "drama triangle"?

"Triangles" can happen in relationships where a third person is added on to a group of two, and changes the dynamic. Triangles aren't inherently always good or always bad. One example of a "positive" triangle is that for some couples, having a baby stabilizes the relationship (note, not saying this always happens, but it can, and that would be a positive example). Of course, a "negative" triangle could be when a couple has relationship issues, and a mutual friend steps in to "make it better", but ends up siding with one or the other of the couple. That destabilizes the couple's relationship.

"Drama triangles" are when there is a conflict between two people, and a third person steps in, with a negative or unhealthy outcome. There are usually set roles, though it's not like people verbalize "I want to be the defender this time!".

You're experiencing a pretty typical drama triangle. Let's say your GF is mad at your daughter, and yells at her "You never pick up your stuff! I've told you over and over, and you never listen!" Or something like that. Your GF is in the "persecutor" role, where the tone is "I am the one who is correct".

Then, let's say your D responds: "You're always yelling at me, and I didn't do anything wrong! Stop picking on me!" Your D is in the "victim" role, where the tone is "It isn't my fault".

Then, like, you said, you step in -- this time, to defend your D: "GF, just lay off of D. She's had a really hard day with remote schooling, just give her a break". You are in the "rescuer" role, where the tone is "I'm the one protecting people".

Frank Gallagher, does any of that resonate with you?

As you share that these conflicts between your GF and D almost inevitably turn into a fight, and you aren't sure what to do... please know, change can happen! It can turn out differently. It might take learning new and different skills on your part, but if you're up for that, we're here to share what we know. I know you love your D and your GF, and want things to be healthier. Shall we talk through some new stuff, and you can see how things go?

Cheers;

kells76
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!