Dear FF, thanks for your reference! Haven't read much about validation since the early days, I should have done more because it is one of the skills that is very hard for me. My FOO wasn't big on validation, to say the least. I will never forget when I worked hard all term at maths (which I really hated). I came home with a B that term and uNBPD mom said "why didn't you get an A?". These things run deep. She laid the basis for an inner critic of note, which I am only now coming to an understanding with.
Interestingly enough I kept on getting B's after that so the hard work paid off
And inner critic has certainly helped me be high-functioning out there, though an emotional train wreck at home...
Would probably get a D for validation. Obviously I need much more practice at it. I have, over the past year, come to terms with how invalidating I can be, and have tried to break that habit. It is a far step from not being invalidating to active validation.
I try to also be mindful of my own co-dependency. Ultimately it is expwBPD's decision whether to be in therapy or not, I have no control over it.
Some of the questions I have already asked - I found that it would be helpful to ease a dysregulation to ask "what can I do to reduce your stress right now?". One, it acknowledged the reality of dysregulations and helped her to acknowledge that reality as well. Two, it would support her to think constructively and break the pattern of rage, if not at once then over time.
Ultimately, my gut response to the list of questions is the experimental one. I think I will ask all those questions, one at a time, of course, and see what happens. Will get back to you and report on progress.