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Author Topic: Paranoia - hypermentalizing?  (Read 163 times)
khibomsis
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« on: February 13, 2021, 06:19:36 AM »

This thing with BPD that they tend to read negative expressions in people's faces can be troubling. My expwBPD whom I am trying to be a supportive friend with does this all the time. What concerns me is she is now starting to do it with her therapist. She has reached the point where her pattern is to start splitting therapist black to avoid dealing with uncomfortable emotions, and then leave therapy. She has done this twice before. Admittedly, the first two were no specialists whereas this time she lucked out with her specialist who is incredibly caring and is doing a great job.
Any ideas for how to respond when she does this? I will try non-invalidating questions and see how far I get, but  if anybody has any advice I would be glad to hear it. The obvious one: "have you talked to him about it?" I've tried twice but the  complaining continues. Mainly I want to navigate between encouraging her to take responsibility for her own feelings and supporting her to stay in therapy. Since she started with this therapist she is really improving.
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« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2021, 09:22:23 AM »


I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts after reading this.

Best,

FF


 Validating questions
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khibomsis
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« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2021, 12:19:57 AM »

Dear FF, thanks for your reference! Haven't read much about validation since the early days, I should have done more because it is one of the skills that is very hard for me. My FOO wasn't big on validation, to say the least. I will never forget when I worked hard all term at maths (which I really hated). I came home with a B that term and uNBPD mom said "why didn't you get an A?". These things run deep. She laid the basis for an inner critic of note, which I am only now coming to an understanding with.
Interestingly enough I kept on getting B's after that so the hard work paid off Smiling (click to insert in post) And inner critic has certainly helped me be high-functioning out there, though an emotional train wreck at home...

Would probably get a D for validation. Obviously I need much more practice at it. I have, over the past year, come to terms with how invalidating I can be, and have tried to break that habit. It is a far step from not being invalidating to active validation.
I try to also be mindful of my own co-dependency. Ultimately it is expwBPD's decision whether to be in therapy or not, I have no control over it.
Some of the questions I have already asked - I found that it would be helpful to ease a dysregulation to ask "what can I do to reduce your stress right now?". One, it acknowledged the reality of dysregulations and helped her to acknowledge that reality as well. Two, it would support her to think constructively and break the pattern of rage, if not at once then over time.    
Ultimately, my gut response to the list of questions is the experimental one. I think I will ask all those questions, one at a time, of course, and see what happens. Will get back to you and report on progress.
 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
« Last Edit: February 14, 2021, 12:29:25 AM by khibomsis » Logged

 
formflier
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« Reply #3 on: February 14, 2021, 02:44:18 PM »


You also want to avoid validating the invalid.

So...you don't want to validate that pwBPD can read emotions.


Stay broad, ask your friend how things are going, especially if they bring up the therapist.

Best,

FF
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khibomsis
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« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2021, 09:40:13 PM »

Ah, thank you FF! Good point. I shall bear that in mind.
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khibomsis
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« Reply #5 on: March 03, 2021, 12:26:15 PM »

Dear FF, I thought I should report back. The tools were great! In the heat of the moment I couldn't keep track of which questions worked best or not. To my delight I found I had asked many of them already  Way to go! (click to insert in post) Taken as a whole the process of asking validating questions led to a deep and authentic discussion of therapy and what happened in there. Turned out she had a perfectly valid reason for not liking it. I could radically genuinely validate it Way to go! (click to insert in post) Way to go! (click to insert in post) She did communicate with the therapist about it and the clever therapist apologized. They are working through it and the feedback from the most recent session is that it went great. So all's well that ends well - for now.
Thank you for persevering with us young uns Smiling (click to insert in post)
Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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formflier
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« Reply #6 on: March 03, 2021, 01:32:43 PM »


Good to know!!  Keep up the good work!!

Best,

FF
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