How to Deal with Recovery

[sabas]

As most here, I have been through hell in my marriage. I have been mentally, emotionally and physically abused, I have been cheated on, I have been devalued and gaslighted. It has been the most difficult thing I have faced in my life, and there really isn't a close second.

All that said, my SO has been more proactive than what I can gather is typical of a pwBPD in getting help and admitting faults, especially lately. They know they have BPD. They apologize to me, sincerely (I know that I would be skeptical if someone says this about a pwBPD, but after enduring so many years of non-apologies, or blame shifts, I feel I can discern real from not), they have the ability to put my needs first (for short amounts of time), they can speak frankly about the horrible things they have put me through, and can listen as I talk about the long-term effects on my psyche that this relationship has wrought. They also have sought out DBT counseling, psychiatrists, experimental treatments, regular therapy, and countless books and articles on managing BPD. Since the cheating revelation, and the intensity of their episodes increasing in the last few years, they have shown much more of those positive changes/skills than when our relationship began (back then it was basically zero). Through the same time I have come to a much better understanding of what this trauma has done to me, what I need in the future, and how I can possibly begin to heal. I have reached a point where i can take very little more, and, even as my SO makes real, identifiable strides toward, at the very least, a substantial lessening of the worst parts of their BPD and treatment of me, I find myself full of anger and with a shorter fuse than even when I am actively being abused.

I need advice/empathy/wisdom/education on how to deal with the first steps toward recovery and a potential new life (understanding that it is entirely possible that this is all "not real", for lack of a better term). My SO still has a tendency to bring sensitive, serious, potentially inflammatory subjects up as we are going to sleep late at night. And even if it isn't as I try to fall asleep, each time I find myself reactive and angry in a way that almost reminds me of an extremely mild version of my SO. They will say things ostensibly without manipulation but my brain interprets them in the worst way possible because for 99% of our relationship that was the accurate way to take them. That habit combined with reaching this point where I can't help but stand up for myself, call out perceived BS, manipulation, or passive aggression, can lead to me getting quickly argumentative and angry. This, ironically, makes my SO very skittish and, later, hopeless. They believe they are trying to communicate in ways they have learned through therapy and DBT. They also feel it is very important to know what I am thinking and feeling because so many episodes have started with them assuming the worst in terms of my inner thoughts and feelings towards them. Meaning, they want to hear how I feel and what I am thinking, even if it is "bad", because they find me difficult to read and their brain can get into overdrive thinking I hate them, am angry, thinking about leaving, etc., and that eventually leads to them pushing me away with abuse, getting suicidal, and creating horrible situations. Asking me difficult, deeper questions is an attempt to avoid those episodes that occur from jumping to the worst, inaccurate, conclusions. And I understand that, and encourage it. I, typically, feel confident in my ability to stay calm.

Ironically, I, like many of you here, am naturally calm and quiet, and have become even more so as episodes worsened and abuse became normalized. Unfortunately, as both of us learn more about the effects of what my SO has done to me, and are more able to look at it plainly and honestly, I have become very sensitive to perceived injustices, unfair treatment, hypocrisy, manipulation, passive aggression and I can't help but immediately call any of it out, or to feel hurt and angry when I feel any of those things are present. To the point where I wonder if sometimes I'm seeing them where they aren't and end up destroying a rare chance at an honest, calm conversation before it even starts.

On the other hand, I also become more angry thinking about these situations afterwards because the worst of my anger is raising my voice, being blunt to the point of meanness, and perhaps storming out of the room. Then, either within 30 minutes, or the next day if it is late at night, I have calmed down and will always apologize for my anger. But by that point my SO has decided this "recovery" is all hopeless, they can't do anything right, and that they should either just table and suppress all their worries and emotions (not something I want at all), or that there is no hope in the relationship and they should just leave. This leaves me feeling extremely hurt because I have endured 100000 times the anger, vitriol, meanness, abuse, pain, fear that I have shown them during an "outburst" of my own, and I am still here, still supportive, understanding, hopeful, forgiving. It becomes a bit of a negative feedback loop where I feel more hurt after expressing my anger which leads to a quicker trigger next time.

All that bloviating is to say, how do I deal with this new found anger, or, if I'm being more charitable to myself, spine, and how my SO cannot deal with it whatsoever? How do you get over the feelings of being treated so unfairly, that even as things improve, it is almost just a reminder of how inequitable the relationship has been? That any expression of anger or disagreement throws my SO into a spiral of hopelessness? Even if I calm down and apologize, offer to talk about it calmly after i have had time to relax, the initial failure to see their actions/words as newly benevolent ruins everything for them. I want to be here to see whether this recovery is real, and to give them the benefit of the doubt now that they have shown the ability to change. It is just proving extremely hard for me to both change these old habits i have of seeing every "serious" conversation or question they pose as an attack or trap to begin an episode (because it always has been), and to control the newfound clarity I have of never wanting to allow myself to be abused and walked over like I was so willing to be in the past. Has anyone experienced similar feelings/situations?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Oh absolutely!  When I first arrived here, I was filled with rage for how I’d been treated, by a revolving door of pwBPD, beginning with my mother.

Anger needs to find an expression or what do you do with it otherwise? I found some success beating the mattress, shouting in the car, but really, after years of being treated so poorly, it’s a lot to ask to suddenly be Gandhi or Mother Teresa.

You’ve seen that your unfiltered responses are not tolerated well. Have you been able to build a bridge showing how your feelings might have been hurt, similarly to how your pwBPD experienced their own pain and acting out behavior?

[rum2020]

Hi, I am 100% with you on the anger issues I stopped posting here for a bit, because I felt so toxic with my level of anger at being in a relationship with a pwBPD. I read the Anger Management Workbook and it spoke more to me than any of the other BPD books recommended (Stop walking, Stop Caretaking, etc.). It really helped me get a sense of my anger and also made me understand my pwBPD's anger as well. I am planning on going through the DBT Anger Management guide as well. I really don't like feeling this toxic and angry. I am new to this so can't help as much as other people on the boards, but I will also say reading the book Surviving A Borderline Parent, actually really helped me see what was going on with my marriage not just childhood issues. I wish you the best of luck!

[B53]

I think that I understand how you are feeling. I have only been with my SO for two and a half years. We broke up for three months and recently got back together. He has been in therapy and doing DBT for eight months now. I also see significant improvements in his behavior.

At first I felt the anger that you are talking about, only with much less intensity.  When living with a bp there is always a lot of drama, life is always centered around them and their disorder and our voice was never heard. Now that they are in recovery, there are less distractions and things are calmer and quieter and they seem happier. On the other hand, all the feelings we have been stuffing down for so long are now rearing their ugly head. We are also left in limbo wondering if this is going to last or do we need to keep the walls up and be prepared for the behavior that we know so well. I felt like a dog that had been abused and every time someone moved quickly, it flinched. There is also a feeling that it’s their turn to step up and care for us for a change and we deserve a free pass on any of our indiscretions; we earned it. It’s hard to want to give them credit for all their hard work, when we are the collateral damage. Is this close to how you are feeling?

These are some of the feelings I had at first, but not as strongly as you described, probably because I didn’t deal with it over many years, like you did. The first thing that I did was find a therapist for me. I looked for someone that specialized in either mood disorders or Borderline and trauma. We also found a couple’s counselor, but we haven’t started that yet. He was worried about me holding on to resentment and anger. I told him that I was not angry at the person who is showing himself now, but the other guy that he turns into, I hate. I also have read so much about BPD and understand that without therapy he was unable to control his BPD traits. It was aimed at us, but not about us. His recovery has been a difficult and painful experience for him to go through. He calls it a journey. He had to face the physical abuse by his father as a child. He had to take responsibility for how he abused others. I know he still has bpd and it would be naïve of me to think it will never show up. I am hoping that the couple’s counselor will help us put a plan in place for those times. He also asks questions and has said he wants to try to be aware and understand my feelings. I signed up for a course for family members of people with bpd. There is a waiting list and I haven’t heard from them.

You might want to think about what you really WANT FOR YOU.  It’s ok if you have had enough and feel that your heart isn’t really into it.  If you were to decide to leave, he now has support to help him deal with it. Do you still love him?

Be kind to yourself, I think your feelings are understandable!

I hope I was of some help.
B53

[sabas]

I appreciate all your responses. And identify with a lot of what you've all said. I think I represented myself as probably more angry than I am, I do really appreciate and have been craving the relative peace of the last few weeks and months. It's been a giant breath of fresh air, and a big reason for remaining hopeful. Generally I do not feel angry, day-to-day, when things are calm. I am sure I have some subconscious resentment over the trauma i have been subjected to, but I also realize that due to my lack of boundaries and lack confidence in my own interpretation of reality and the love I believe I've provided that I am complicit in letting the relationship remain so painful for both of us for so many years. An old therapist would say that no matter what, we are responsible for 100% of our half of the relationship. And I, in a way, taught my SO how to treat and what they could get away with, what would be forgiven, what would or wouldn't threaten my presence in the relationship. All that is to say, that when living daily life since my SO has made some significant steps I don't feel angry, and rather, I feel generally happier and more hopeful.

My issue pops up when my SO tries to discuss serious, sensitive topics about the state of the relationship. I feel for so long I suppressed and ignored my intuition and instincts and always tried to see their side. Always apologized, no matter if I had done anything actually worth apologizing for. Always listened and went along with blame, passive aggression, gas lighting, etc. And it got me nowhere. Now it feels as if that part of me that was suppressing, or ignoring my gut instincts is gone. And, honestly, that feels good generally. But it causes me to not listen sometimes, or to give them any benefit of the doubt. I do have a therapist currently who is very good with trauma. While talking with them yesterday they helped me realize that when my SO is talking about things that could be different in the relationship, things I could do differently, my "lack of communication", our lack of "emotional closeness", that my SO is really talking about that black hole inside themselves, their inability to truly feel loved, to truly feel support and unconditional care from another person because their parents ripped that hole into them. I think that my instinct, or new found skepticism, sees that and interprets it as lying/manipulation/etc. And so I immediately become a bit more defensive, a bit more angry, a bit less empathetic and open. This leads to a communication breakdown. My therapist said that I should be confident in the boundaries I set, confident that I am giving all the love I am capable of to my SO, and understand that I cannot make that black hole disappear. But that I can understand and realize that when my SO is talking about my behavior and how I don't make them feel close, that really, they are talking about their pain, that hole inside of them, their craving for love and support, and that if I can remain calm and see that for what it is, that I can try to empathize and just kind of "be there" in their pain, do what I can in terms of care and love, and still understand that that is the best I can do and that I cannot "fix them" or make that intense yearning they feel go away. I thought that was insightful and made me feel better about how to handle these situations, and my anger during them. To not assign too  much malice in my SO's assertions and seemingly blame, to understand that they are deeply wounded by childhood, and their subsequent disorder, and that they do not yet have the skills to identify it, understand it, own it, and talk about it frankly.   

I think that trying to see that, to feel their deep pain, can help me remain calm and not get angry. Obviously the key becomes doing what I can in terms of love and support, and being okay with the fact that it may not be enough in that moment. That perhaps my SO won't be comforted much, though it's possible they will, and if they end up having an episode, that i have to try not to save them, ignore all my boundaries and care-take. That last part is, obviously, the most difficult, ingrained part to change, but if this relationship is going to work I must work towards that. My therapist reiterated that if I don't set and keep those boundaries, get more comfortable with the fact that I can't fix that hole, and that things that happen during an episode are not my responsibility, rather that my responsibility is to myself and our child, that I risk destroying myself to the point that i won't be of any use to my SO, and I will finally tap out of the relationship.

I wonder if any of that makes sense to you all? I have the tendency to ramble on this forum, as there's so many thoughts running through my head.

[B53]

I think you explained yourself well! It sounds like you have a good therapist and are/am/willing to do the hard work. I feel we are lucky to have a partner that wants to get better. I know there are a lot of people on this site that would love to be in our shoes.    Change can be hard, even if it is for the better and being in uncharted waters is scary.  I actually don’t mind the difficult discussions because it gives me an opportunity to let him see through my eyes as well as me seeing through his, when emotions are lower and the goal is to understand. I can’t do what I need to, unless I can recognize the part I played. It sounds like your therapist is helping you do that. Reading what you wrote has been helpful for me. Keep up the good work,  I wish you the very best!

B53

[maxsterling]

I can certainly relate to this.  My W has not cheated on me (yet), but much of what you describe is nearly 100% what I experience.  Like your SO, my W actively seeks treatment and is very self-aware.  In my case, the rage and abuse from her have gotten worse with more treatment. 

Thinking about my own anger, it took me awhile to realize it was not really anger.  Or not in the classic sense.  It was more sadness, confusion, fear.  I identified it as "anger" because that is what my W projected to me - she described me as angry so I assumed I was.  I really am in no way, or at least very minimally, angry towards her.  I am angry towards myself for having poor boundaries against abuse.  But my "angry" reactions to her abuse really aren't anger.  They are self-preservation instinct. 

[B53]

I want to share something positive that just happened with my recovering BPD. I may share it again on my old post because people asked me to let them know how things are going.

Anyway, my bp’s daughter lives twelve hours away. She is 24 years old. She called him four days ago, because the dog she has had since she was nine was basically in veterinarian ICU. He immediately left to go be with her. The dog passed the next day. Being BPD, in the past this would probably not end well or at least not gone smoothly.  She would be upset and he would make it about him. He is now able to be supportive, stay calm and listen instead of reacting . He said that in the past there would probably have been several confrontations just on the first day alone. He is showing her empathy and realizes it’s not about him. He is actually more concerned about her, then himself. This is a Hugh step for him. He jokingly said that the empathy thing sucks, because now he feels her pain and it’s hard seeing her so sad.

He has made other positive changes too. He has been in counseling and doing DBT for seven months. There is hope! I know there is not a cure and I don’t expect things won’t occasionally come up, but it’s is encouraging, so hang in there!

B53

[F.Baggins]

Thank you, Sabas.

You articulated so very well your experiences that it really helped me put words to my own. This resonates with me so strongly!

Thank you.