When they say they're done

[Pippy01]

This has been a continuous cycle between my fiancé and I. I've done a lot of reading and research and everything talks about providing reassurance. There's been times when I stick to it and continuously tell her I'm not leaving/ going anywhere. She then tells me I'm crazy or delusional because I don't get the hint.
Every time feels so real. She accuses me of not respecting her wishes, so when I do leave her alone and make no further effort, then I don't care or love her.

I understand there's a fear of abandonment and the concept of leaving before being left. Am I just not using the right words? I'm willing to stick this through and ride this out, and I'm not looking to win the argument, I am just trying to figure out when is the right time to back off and when should I continue the reassurance. I try not to escalate things, but if I choose one route then she goes on the other.

It's easy to read articles and use the generic lines they provide. When I tried using them she called me out and said not to use psychological phrases on her because it doesn't sound sincere.

[Kistra713]

So sorry you're going through this - it's tough, I can relate.

I also feel like it's a continuous cycle - about 50% of the time we fight, most of which he starts, he tells me "we're done!" Twice I took him up on his offer and actually was ready to leave, only to have him come back an hour or two later begging me to come back, he didn't mean it, he doesn't want to break up, etc. As well, if I don't respond, I get accused of not caring as well. If I chase him, he gets even angrier.

I don't doubt that at that very moment, they do want to break up when they're dysregulating. But, I feel like it's also a cry for attention and validation. Remember they don't know how to deal with negative emotions in a mature manner.

I still haven't figured out the best way to deal with it, but what's been working so far is letting him storm off and leaving him alone for 30 minutes-1 hour until he calms down. Then I'll go talk to him calmly, reassure him, and ask him if he really does want to break up. Rinse and repeat. It's frustrating for sure. When she's raging, how long does she usually take to cool off? That might be the time to approach her again. 

[Christijames]

This has been something that has been happening in my marriage for 8 years now.  I just found out that my husband has BPD, but he will not admit to that (which is what it is).  Every single time we have a disagreement, he will say that he is getting a divorce (even filed for it a couple of weeks ago).  I actually packed a bag last weekend and was leaving, and then he fell to his knees and started begging me not to leave.  Crying, chasing me around the room the entire time.  I told him that I would stay, but I left for the entire day to gather myself.
I have just started to learn about the disorder, but this past weekend he was trying to be controlling, and I just kept saying "okay" to him.  He got annoyed and started to say that I didn't care, but I just kept saying it.  He eventually went into our bedroom and came back out and was nice, but it happened all weekend.  I have realized that it's not worth saying anything else to him except "okay" b/c as you stated, there does not seem to be a correct response.  It seems like me just saying "okay", at least acknowledges him, but I am also not engaging what he is doing, which is really what he is wanting me to do.  He may have bursts of anger that follow,  but they pass, and I have felt better since I started to do this.  If he starts to rage, I just leave the house.  I let him know I am coming back, but I get myself out of the situation, and I think that is okay to do.  It's very hard to know what to do with this.  I have just accepted that if he does leave, I will let him go, and if he stays, then I will stay if that's what I choose to do, but in the meantime, I will not engage with the abusive behaviors anymore, and it seems to be working.  At least for me.  I feel better about myself.

[Kistra713]

This has been something that has been happening in my marriage for 8 years now.  I just found out that my husband has BPD, but he will not admit to that (which is what it is).  Every single time we have a disagreement, he will say that he is getting a divorce (even filed for it a couple of weeks ago).  I actually packed a bag last weekend and was leaving, and then he fell to his knees and started begging me not to leave.  Crying, chasing me around the room the entire time.  I told him that I would stay, but I left for the entire day to gather myself.
I have just started to learn about the disorder, but this past weekend he was trying to be controlling, and I just kept saying "okay" to him.  He got annoyed and started to say that I didn't care, but I just kept saying it.  He eventually went into our bedroom and came back out and was nice, but it happened all weekend.  I have realized that it's not worth saying anything else to him except "okay" b/c as you stated, there does not seem to be a correct response.  It seems like me just saying "okay", at least acknowledges him, but I am also not engaging what he is doing, which is really what he is wanting me to do.  He may have bursts of anger that follow,  but they pass, and I have felt better since I started to do this.  If he starts to rage, I just leave the house.  I let him know I am coming back, but I get myself out of the situation, and I think that is okay to do.  It's very hard to know what to do with this.  I have just accepted that if he does leave, I will let him go, and if he stays, then I will stay if that's what I choose to do, but in the meantime, I will not engage with the abusive behaviors anymore, and it seems to be working.  At least for me.  I feel better about myself.

I understand where you're coming from. My partner has actually packed his bags twice, and had our landlord's phone # typed into his phone so I could tell them I wanted to move out and be removed from the lease. At that point, I actually started to email the landlord to have it in writing, and suddenly his mood changed, he went to a corner of the apartment and cried, saying "So I guess this is it, you're finally leaving me, I knew it, etc etc". The first few times this happened I would run after him and beg him to stay.

Now, if he starts with the "We're done" crap, I simply say "okay, if that's how you really feel" and leave it at that, same to you. Otherwise, there is no right or wrong way to deal with this. I am the same as you, that if he really does leave, I'll let him go and if he stays, I'll stay as long as I can tolerate the behavior. I should start leaving the house when he has an outburst, except he usually storms off first. Where I used to chase him down, I just let him storm off and leave him be for awhile.

We can't change them if they don't want to change, only the way we deal with it and preserve our own sanity and self-respect.

[once removed]

It's easy to read articles and use the generic lines they provide. When I tried using them she called me out and said not to use psychological phrases on her because it doesn't sound sincere.

this is critical.

the communication techniques are not magic words to soothe someone. if you approach it that way, anyone will feel condescended to.

you have to think globally and speak in the context that you would in your relationship. that works with anyone.

its a bit like learning a new essay format. its awkward at first. eventually, you fit it to your style, you adapt, and you master it.

its not clear to me whats going on from your post. who thinks whom is going to leave? what wishes does she say youre not respecting?

[FadingAway]

This has been something that has been happening in my marriage for 8 years now.  I just found out that my husband has BPD, but he will not admit to that (which is what it is).  Every single time we have a disagreement, he will say that he is getting a divorce (even filed for it a couple of weeks ago).  I actually packed a bag last weekend and was leaving, and then he fell to his knees and started begging me not to leave.  Crying, chasing me around the room the entire time.  I told him that I would stay, but I left for the entire day to gather myself.
I have just started to learn about the disorder, but this past weekend he was trying to be controlling, and I just kept saying "okay" to him.  He got annoyed and started to say that I didn't care, but I just kept saying it.  He eventually went into our bedroom and came back out and was nice, but it happened all weekend.  I have realized that it's not worth saying anything else to him except "okay" b/c as you stated, there does not seem to be a correct response.  It seems like me just saying "okay", at least acknowledges him, but I am also not engaging what he is doing, which is really what he is wanting me to do.  He may have bursts of anger that follow,  but they pass, and I have felt better since I started to do this.  If he starts to rage, I just leave the house.  I let him know I am coming back, but I get myself out of the situation, and I think that is okay to do.  It's very hard to know what to do with this.  I have just accepted that if he does leave, I will let him go, and if he stays, then I will stay if that's what I choose to do, but in the meantime, I will not engage with the abusive behaviors anymore, and it seems to be working.  At least for me.  I feel better about myself.

Wow, I feel like you are in my house.  I give you credit for leaving.  I never leave when the raging starts.  I am scared.  Not sure of what, maybe its the fear of realization that there is something wrong.  I hope I have your courage one day