New But Not

[Parents! Get help here!]

Like everyone else posting here, I too struggle with having a child with BPD. I suppose I shouldn't call her a child anymore since she is (almost) 19 years old, but there are so many things about her that are still very childlike. In addition to my BPDD, I also have two daughters (21 and 12) who do not exhibit any BPD traits. (Thank goodness for that!)
It has been a bit of a bumpy ride with our BPDD and having two children who are kind, thoughtful, and able to make good decisions has been something I value even more. My husband and I have worked hard to provide our children with the things they need to grow into strong, healthy adults. But, this doesn't seem to matter much for our 19 year old. (Did I mention that I also work in mental health? I deal specifically with alcoholism / addiction...and a managerie of co-occurring disorders that often accompany SUD.) Needless to say, even understanding the disorder and the importance of solid boundaries, it has been difficult, at times, to detach with love.
The day our daughter turned 18, she dropped out of high school and moved to a town about 75 miles away. She had managed to convince family members that she was being mistreated and that she needed to be rescued. Of course, said family members did bother calling or contacting me or my husband to see what was actually going on. They just showed up to move her out. (I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional family, which is why I distance myself and have limited contact with them.)
It took about six months before our daughter was hospitalized in a psych ward (10 days) for suicidal ideation. She was discharged and then readmitted less than a week later for the same thing. Family members had chosen to respond to daughter's behaviors by severe restriction, punishment, etc. (which we all know gets us nowhere fast). Then, they decided they were done. Daughter's mental health was much worse than before (she had an IEP at school, was working with counseleors, mentors, etc.) and we were left with a really, really hard decision - whether or not she could return to our home.
We helped our daughter relocate to an apartment while she waited to get into residential treatment. The agreement was that we would help her with food and living accommodations for 6 months as long as she was pursuing mental health services and making an effort to become independent. This was pretty short lived, as you may imagine.
Our daughter soon lost interest in becoming an independent adult and working on her mental health. She managed to have the treatment center rescind her admission (dragging her heels on the admission date) and started back down the road that too many of us are familiar with. Soon, she found a boyfriend and this became her escape hatch.
What followed was months of heartache and sadness, knowing I had to put my money where my mouth is. I had to tell my daughter that should she lose the apartment, she would not be able to come home. Since she was not looking for work or working towards improved mental health, we would no longer be providing for her financially.
I can't begin to tell you how many times I've had someone sitting in my office, grieving over the loss of a child they feel is gone, and I've said, "As parents, it's our job to help our children learn and grow. That can't happen if we keep stealing the sunshine and protecting them from the rain. People are like plants that way, they need both to become what they were meant to be."
So, I'm taking my own advice. I let our daughter know that I love her and I want her to be happy and well. I told her that whatever that may look like to me, it doesn't mean that her path is the same as mine. She will be flying across the country to live next week Friday.
It's hard to let her go but it's also freeing. I know I could never manhandle her life into a more manageable shape, so she has to decide what it will take for her to have a fulfilling life.
No more rescuing. No more manipulating for a better outcome. No more trying to change anyone but myself.
Onwards and upwards, my friends!

[AnotherMother]

Like everyone else posting here, I too struggle with having a child with BPD. I suppose I shouldn't call her a child anymore since she is (almost) 19 years old, but there are so many things about her that are still very childlike. In addition to my BPDD, I also have two daughters (21 and 12) who do not exhibit any BPD traits. (Thank goodness for that!)
It has been a bit of a bumpy ride with our BPDD and having two children who are kind, thoughtful, and able to make good decisions has been something I value even more. My husband and I have worked hard to provide our children with the things they need to grow into strong, healthy adults. But, this doesn't seem to matter much for our 19 year old. (Did I mention that I also work in mental health? I deal specifically with alcoholism / addiction...and a managerie of co-occurring disorders that often accompany SUD.) Needless to say, even understanding the disorder and the importance of solid boundaries, it has been difficult, at times, to detach with love.
The day our daughter turned 18, she dropped out of high school and moved to a town about 75 miles away. She had managed to convince family members that she was being mistreated and that she needed to be rescued. Of course, said family members did bother calling or contacting me or my husband to see what was actually going on. They just showed up to move her out. (I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional family, which is why I distance myself and have limited contact with them.)
It took about six months before our daughter was hospitalized in a psych ward (10 days) for suicidal ideation. She was discharged and then readmitted less than a week later for the same thing. Family members had chosen to respond to daughter's behaviors by severe restriction, punishment, etc. (which we all know gets us nowhere fast). Then, they decided they were done. Daughter's mental health was much worse than before (she had an IEP at school, was working with counseleors, mentors, etc.) and we were left with a really, really hard decision - whether or not she could return to our home.
We helped our daughter relocate to an apartment while she waited to get into residential treatment. The agreement was that we would help her with food and living accommodations for 6 months as long as she was pursuing mental health services and making an effort to become independent. This was pretty short lived, as you may imagine.
Our daughter soon lost interest in becoming an independent adult and working on her mental health. She managed to have the treatment center rescind her admission (dragging her heels on the admission date) and started back down the road that too many of us are familiar with. Soon, she found a boyfriend and this became her escape hatch.
What followed was months of heartache and sadness, knowing I had to put my money where my mouth is. I had to tell my daughter that should she lose the apartment, she would not be able to come home. Since she was not looking for work or working towards improved mental health, we would no longer be providing for her financially.
I can't begin to tell you how many times I've had someone sitting in my office, grieving over the loss of a child they feel is gone, and I've said, "As parents, it's our job to help our children learn and grow. That can't happen if we keep stealing the sunshine and protecting them from the rain. People are like plants that way, they need both to become what they were meant to be."
So, I'm taking my own advice. I let our daughter know that I love her and I want her to be happy and well. I told her that whatever that may look like to me, it doesn't mean that her path is the same as mine. She will be flying across the country to live next week Friday.
It's hard to let her go but it's also freeing. I know I could never manhandle her life into a more manageable shape, so she has to decide what it will take for her to have a fulfilling life.
No more rescuing. No more manipulating for a better outcome. No more trying to change anyone but myself.
Onwards and upwards, my friends!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

I can hear the long, hard journey you have been on in your post. In some ways it has been helpful that you are trained in the area of mental health and have a good understanding of BPD.

But all the knowledge and experience is one thing: when it is your child and you are emotionally involved, well that's quite another story.

There are so many different emotions to deal with: grief at the loss of the possibility of a fulfilling and happy life for your child and at the same time, relief that comes with letting go, and probably exhaustion from all the years of trying to weave a pathway through life towards independence.

Now time to care for yourself.

[AnotherMother]

Sancho,
Thank you for the reply! I absolutely agree that now is the time for me to take care of myself. It never ceases to amaze me how easily I overlook that. It's the harder thing for me to do, especially when I am able to distract myself from myself by taking care of someone else! haha

I appreciate your support and I look forward to being a part of this wonderful little community

AnotherMother