I feel so bad and ashamed of myself

[AnaRiki]

Hi... It is so hard to describe in a few words the hollow I feel right now. I've been with my husband since 2012. He always had bad moments, but since Covid started he has become a monster. I am in a risk category, waiting for the vaccine and all last 12 months I have been fighting a war trying to have him follow rules. He is English, I am Romanian. He loves to pub more than he loves me, I guess...
He always spent lots of time in pubs, but since Covid started he would be worse.
He doesn't respect rules in pubs as pubs themselves don't respect many rules either. He promises to do so until he actually doesn't. He calls me all bad names in the vocabulary, including hypochondriac, psychopat who wants to control his life...

It is just a nightmare... I asked him to leave 3 times this year... i was telling my mom that I am not capable of asking him again. I have done fighting it... I told him: fine, do whatever, bring it home, if I get sick I get sick. If I die I die... i just can't fight it anymore... I suffer of OCD and depression myself, they have been under control, but since his monster side is out all the time, I am losing my own mind. I just don't have force to separate myself from him again... I hate myself for it.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

Uggg...this sounds so hard.  How far away is your Mom?  Do you have other family and friends close by?

Have you been able to discuss your risk factors with your doctor?

Any guesses when you will be up for a vaccine?

I think we can help you sort through this tough situation...

Best,

FF