Could use advice for DIL w BPD

[Alex Lee]

I’m pretty sure my DIL has BPD. We have almost no contact with our son, but they want to meet and talk about our family relationship. (They only want to be with us for things like Christmas and birthdays when there are gifts involved, and even then they only stay a short time). I used to be very close to my son. I am heartbroken by the loss of our relationship. I actually used to be close to my DIL before they got together. I want to do whatever I can to make the relationship work.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Naughty Nibbler]

ALEX LEE: Welcome!

Sorry about your situation.  It must be very frustrating for you.
1.  With holidays and birthdays, how often do you currently see them (i.e. once a month, 6 times a year, etc.)

2.  What would be optimal in your eyes?

3.  Have to assume you will never get optimal:  i.e. a weekly gathering, a monthly gathering.  So, what's a small step up from the current situation: i.e. one of you visits the other's home, once a month (when there isn't some other celebration already planned) & you rotate months regarding who's house is visited.

Best to prepare and perhaps practice a discussion, before it happen:

DONT' JADE:  Don't argue about it (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)

DON'T BE INVALIDATING:  Don't agree with something you don't agree with, but it's important to NOT invalidate feelings.  Sometimes, it can be best to stay silent in regard to some things and NOT invalidate by word, body language or expression.

USE "I" STATEMENTS:  
Avoid using "You" statements & use "I" Statements instead:
"I feel _________"
"When _________"
"Because _______"
"I would like  _______"

SAMPLE:
I feel sad, when I'm unable to see my grandchildren between holidays/birthdays.  I'd like for us to get to know each other better.  I Would like to visit with them more often.  

How about aiming for something small?  Sometimes, these discussions can go from bad to worse and even lead to an extreme position of "No Contact" or  less contact.

What do you think?  Have you tried any strategic communication skills in the past?