Not sure what to do...

[badblook92]

So, I (26M) broke up with my fiancee (25F) about a month ago, 19. of January. We were engaged for almost a year, 8 year long relationship.

So, during the whole relationship, I never lied to her, cheated or anything behind her back, even during our small breakups, only kept silent about some stuff regarding my family issues or financial stuff, nothing more. She accuses me of doing that constantly, for years, where, for every single thing I need to reassure her that something is true, with evidence, and if there is none, she flips out - mind you, that stuff was my personal stuff, nothing to do with her. Now, since I own a business, manage my personal finances and have an accountant, so I don't even keep track of most of it, she tries to put the same blame-game through me, which I believe is a form of manipulation.

Now, I helped that woman, in every possible way ( we started dating where I didn't have a single dime to my name ), found her a couple of jobs in the past 4 years, helped her during her studies ( financially and other ways ), tolerated a whole lot of stuff ( met her parents after 7 years ), she never wanted to travel with me anywhere and blamed me that I never took her anywhere. When socialising, she always tried to pull up some dumb jokes at my expense, cursed at me a couple of times ( which I promptly shut down ), ridiculed my way of clothing when I was broke, ridiculed my hobbies, constantly gave me ultimatums, so I should ask for forgiveness ( for dumb PLEASE READ ), and requested of me to drive a car ( we live in a reasonably big city ~700k pop, with horrible traffic and parking problems ), which I never wanted and I invested my money in real-estate and my business, which she never supported. Never told her a single bad word, cursed at her, even looked at her in a. bad way, supported her ambitions and wishes, despite all that, as I was not aware of any of this stuff. She conveyed dumb comments from her mother to me ( When I got her the engagement ring - She commented: Why is it so small? - It was a diamond gold custom engraved ring )

I got a new apartment this summer (rented it), and was fully involved in buying the furniture, electronics, everything, for our future life together. I paid, organised and was all around, and she was basically a bystander. She even stayed for like 8 hrs/day and tried to use that as an excuse that she's with me, but can't sleep there yet - her parents wouldn't let her. She didn't even bring a spoon in there, let alone offered to pay a fraction of the rent. The same goes for our wedding. I felt like she was just a bystander.

Also, after the breakup, there wasn't any stuff for to return to her, she only returned me some of my stuff, the loaned stuff not yet - hasn't bought me anything meaningful in years, despite her working for the past 3 years with a really good salary - had no responsibilities. ( I don't really mind this, but it's about showing you care )

She also tried to influence my best friend ( which she successfully did ), to try to lecture me and control me for her goals, or control or whatever ( it does not make sense to me, at all ) - buying a car, lying about my finances, and leaving a non-productive and dumb argument mid-conversation ( I stopped giving a f**k about dumb arguments )

Now, was I this unlucky, or did I do something wrong? Was this abuse? When I broke up with her, for disrespecting my house rules ( She didn't live with me, only after getting married, according to our agreement - which is also something I tolerated ), after me raising the issue, she still not respecting it, I kicked her out of my apartment. She came back tomorrow while I was at work ( she had keys ), and I found her in my bed, despite me telling her that I would call her when I calm down. I kicked her out again, and she returned the engagement ring.

Now she blames me for kicking her out, despite me telling her what she did, and how she behaved and abused me. Is this also some sort of manipulation? She blocked me on everything and she owes me some stuff I loaned to her for work ( a brand new MBP, iPhone ). She's now blaming me of lying to her ( the same stuff as above ) and being an asshole for kicking her out. Am I being manipulated or did I do something wrong? I'm asking for an opinion here... I'm being completely honest here, maybe I did something wrong, but am not aware... She blocked me on everything.

TL;DR:

Long relationship, engaged, but I decided to break it off due to her disrespectful behaviour. Struggling right now, since she blocked me on everything and blames me for everything... Is this some type of manipulation? Is it purposeful, or just her BPD traits showing themselves. I can't communicate with her, as she has blocked me everywhere... I would even be willing to accept her as such and help her get treatment. If I'm with someone and care for them, I'm in it 100%, and always have been, and this is really breaking me...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

i get the sense that youre looking for a verdict on who was right and wrong in this.

if you are trying to reverse the breakup (the board you posted on) it is a losing strategy.

to not just reverse a breakup, but to actually sustain the relationship, you have to understand the other persons perspective (hard), you have to understand the nature of your conflict in a more objective way, and you need to be solutions oriented.

Now, since I own a business, manage my personal finances and have an accountant, so I don't even keep track of most of it, she tries to put the same blame-game through me, which I believe is a form of manipulation.

with bpd traits comes an inherent distrust of others, and even more so, potentially at least, those closest to them.

what she found out felt like a betrayal, to her, whether it sounds reasonable to me/us, or not. when facing the prospect of marrying someone, issues around finances, family; those things can loom even larger.

she is signaling that transparency around the issue is critical for her.

Now she blames me for kicking her out, despite me telling her what she did, and how she behaved and abused me. Is this also some sort of manipulation?

no, and she likely feels the same way, and is asking the same question.

being an asshole for kicking her out.

this is probably her primary focus. while youre wondering whether you were right or wrong in doing it, i think the point is that shes telling you, and reacting as if it hurt her a lot. understanding that will tell you a lot about her motivations, why shes blocking you, why she returned the engagement ring.

the bottom line is really that the two of you are in a power struggle, each fighting to be heard. its far deeper than who was right or wrong in any given instance, and its reached a critical breaking point in your relationship.

[badblook92]

i get the sense that youre looking for a verdict on who was right and wrong in this.

if you are trying to reverse the breakup (the board you posted on) it is a losing strategy.

to not just reverse a breakup, but to actually sustain the relationship, you have to understand the other persons perspective (hard), you have to understand the nature of your conflict in a more objective way, and you need to be solutions oriented.

with bpd traits comes an inherent distrust of others, and even more so, potentially at least, those closest to them.

what she found out felt like a betrayal, to her, whether it sounds reasonable to me/us, or not. when facing the prospect of marrying someone, issues around finances, family; those things can loom even larger.

she is signaling that transparency around the issue is critical for her.

no, and she likely feels the same way, and is asking the same question.

this is probably her primary focus. while youre wondering whether you were right or wrong in doing it, i think the point is that shes telling you, and reacting as if it hurt her a lot. understanding that will tell you a lot about her motivations, why shes blocking you, why she returned the engagement ring.

the bottom line is really that the two of you are in a power struggle, each fighting to be heard. its far deeper than who was right or wrong in any given instance, and its reached a critical breaking point in your relationship.

I'm just lost to why someone can behave like this, and I'm disappointed by her. Tried to talk to her, to try to talk things over, like adults,  but she wouldn't. She denies everything, and tries to distance herself, putting all the blame on me ( I kicked her out, I was hiding things from her - which is true to some extent, but it wasn't anything huge, just irrelevant stuff, which I even forgot about and it's something that does not even influence, not one bit, her and our relationship). I know that I didn't do anything wrong. In fact, this is just a small list of her misbehaviour. She did, she has shown that she doesn't respect me, that she is not loyal to me, where she was still talking to my ex-friend I told her to also cut comms with ( Who's a narcissist and was getting worse and worse ). Didn't respect multiple of my boundaries. Shameless from her side. If you're not guilty, then talk, discuss and we can either fix issues or part our ways. If you're aware that you made huge mistakes, and you got called out, and then blocked me, then you're just disrespecting me, showing no guilt and being immature. TBH, I don't really care who is right, wrong or whatever. I'm just surprised how someone can behave in such a manner, when confronted.

[once removed]

if you didnt do anything wrong, and shes (your words) shameless, disrespectful, not behaving like an adult...

do you still want her back?