Thoughts on Letter Writing?

[Nalla]

I am an adult with chronic illness living with my BPD/PTSD father. He was diagnosed about 18 months ago but has likely had it to some degree his entire life. He bankrupted the business we owned together and stole from me. Without going into specifics, suffice it to say I would not be living with him right now if I had any other choice and am actively, safely working toward regaining my independence. It is not going to happen overnight, and in the meantime, I need to deal with his behaviors. I also want to note he was actually a good dad growing up, and these problems only developed when he was diagnosed with cancer about three years ago. He beat the cancer but became addicted to drugs and alcohol. He kicked the drugs but is an alcoholic who can't/won't stop drinking. I managed to get him into therapy which was helping, but he quit last year and has been backsliding ever since. When he drinks, he often becomes emotionally abusive to the point I tried to commit suicide last year from all the things he said to me. I didn't think I could live anymore. I am doing better now, but he still won't stop the drinking. He also will not listen to any negative communication. I try to follow all the BPD guidelines about validating his feelings and trying to use the most neutral phrases. But, to be honest, I am so mad at him for everything he has done and the way he continues to treat me that I don't see how it's fair for me to be the one always couching my emotions in terms more palatable to him when he is making zero effort to improve his relationship with me. Eventually, he'll wear me down, and I can't help myself from snapping back at him even though I know it is not productive. When he drinks, my heart rate increases, and I feel physically ill from anxiety.

Today has been one of those days where he started drinking last night and never went to sleep. He is totally manic, and I have coursework (as part of my career transition to financial independence) to finish this weekend. He repeatedly interrupts me, turns the TV on to the point I can hear it through my headset, gets angry with me for asking that he respect my boundaries while I work, and so on. Now he has just driven off to pick up some lunch (yes, he is not sober), and I am a nervous wreck. Every time I try to communicate with him when he is sober about these dangerous behaviors, either a) he totally tunes me out and sits there quietly, b) gets defensive and attacks me, or c) he *actually* engages in a positive way. Unfortunately, C only happens about 2% of the time, and to be honest, I am working hard to improve my health but I'm still subject to the laws of daily spoons. I know today he will eventually pass out, but how many spoons will I have eaten through? How many will I have left tomorrow? Will I have the energy and strength to get my projects done on time? Likewise with communication, when he goes on the defensive and attacks, I feel the spoons just dropping to the floor. Lately, I have to choose between being able to control what I can control (doing my work, going to class, exercising, eating healthy, etc.) and being able to confront him. This isn't the person I have known most of my life. I thought perhaps writing a letter would be helpful because I could really take my time and make sure I didn't give into my own feelings too much while writing it, but at the same time, I could be honest and finally explain how his behavior is impacting me. A friend told me writing letters isn't the way to go because the words are there for ever rather than speaking where the words can disappear. I figure people here have more experience. What are your thoughts? And if you have ideas on how to handle someone in a manic stage like this, I'd appreciate it.

[tvda]

Hi Nalla. I'm sorry you have to go through this. You deserve better. Do know that we are all here for you on this board and you can come to us with any needs or questions you have, and we'll try to help.

A lot of the answers you will get on these forums are observations from outsiders - by which I mean people outside of the situation might sometimes have a clearer view than you who is right in the eye of the storm.

It's striking how you open your post with "I'm an adult with chronic illness..." and that's it. Not a peep more about your own illness. I don't really have a point when I say this. But it struck me. The imbalance between 95% of your post being about your father, while you have your own health issues. You might deserve a lot more attention for your own needs... Even from yourself.

I have a gut feeling that a large part of feeling better could be in detachment. I know it sounds simple, and I know it is not. But you seem so wrapped up in your father's situation, which I understand since his behaviour is outrageous, but... where are you in this story? What about your needs? Who is caring for you?

Detachment means leaving your father to his own devices in some respects. Letting him 'clean up the damage after himself'. I am assuming that you are way too young to be in the reverse situation where the child needs to look after his parent. That's usually for when parents are 80 and over. Is your mom still in the picture? All stuff I wonder about when reading your post...

Regarding writing a letter... I would say: write it, to get your own feelings off your chest. But don't give or send it too him. He sounds waaaaay too far gone, at least at the moment, for you to get any kind of positive, normal or productive reaction from him. This letter will not get you closure with him. It might start a path of healing for yourself, however.

I think it's brave that you are working on financial independence in the face of adversity. You can and should be proud of yourself. Try to feel this.

[BigWideWorld]

Hi Nalla

I too moved on to writing my uBPD mother letters recently, I was tired of how dark, sinister and manipulative phone calls and visits with her had become, accusing family members both dead and alive of horrific things - she had already sucessfully pushed my brother and aunt away and I didn't like to toll of taking the full brunt of her behaviour.

I got letters back again painting relatives to be blacker than black and quite surprisingly despite her admittance that I've done nothing wrong she told me she was cutting me out of her life and leaving the family so to speak - been a bit of a mind bender to process but liberating to be honest, like I've been set free - I have a slight distrust that she may make more phone calls or send me more letters because she's failed to provoke a reaction but I'm hoping not. Jules

[Nalla]

Thank you both for responding. It means a lot. I have a combination of an endocrine and auto-immune disorder which impacts my energy and metabolism. It's not a serious condition, but I've struggled with finding the right treatment plan which made me more dependent on him in the past, hence how he was able to take a giant wrecking ball to my entire life. My mother died over a decade ago, and after reading articles here, I think he has glommed onto me with emotional incest even before things became bad. He's jealous of when I spend time with friends, and when I try to date, he finds ways of sabotaging it. It was a moot point for a while because between running a business and being sick, I put the idea on hold, but now that I am looking back over the course of our relationship, I'm starting to see early red flags that became exacerbated by his addiction issues. He does not require care as you suspected, and I lived with him more as a roommate situation until he wrecked my finances to the point my only options are a homeless shelter or here. Some days the homeless shelter looks pretty good.

Earlier this year when I started taking classes, I decided I needed to detach, and it has helped me a lot with my own mood. I feel better only being responsible for myself, and I am better able to navigate the day and my anxiety by not worrying about him or going out of my way to interact. However, if he is not being paid enough attention, he will find ways of either disrupting my routine or picking a fight with me, especially if he is drinking. When he sobers up or stops, he acts like nothing should be wrong, and I spend a lot of time wondering if I am crazy. I just want to yell: YOU ARE AN ASS AND I DO NOT WANT TO BE AROUND YOU UNTIL YOU GET HELP. But's clearly not the right way to handle it. I'm just so tired of being around him and being treated this way. I don't deserve it, and the idea of having to spend more time around him pretending it's all fine just saddens me. I thought with a letter, maybe I could get it all out to him without having to be interrupted constantly and told to let him finish a sentence. I've started taking notes about the fights and the things he says, and on the rare times I've brought it up, he always says he was angry and "we" both said things we didn't mean. At some point, he has to mean it, right? He's said some pretty hurtful things that I have internalized way more than I thought, and when he says he doesn't mean it but then takes it back, it makes me feel like I can't find my balance.  I like the idea of writing it down regardless. It may help to process everything he's said in a way that helps me gain more insight and understanding.

[BigWideWorld]

Yes I was the same, I thought to myself that my mother could be around for another 30 years and did I really want her interfering with my life and happiness until then!

I feel for you having to live with your dad, my mum gets prescribed tranquilisers and various diazapates and she went down the road of starting to tank large numbers of them down with bottles of wine. How she has never accidentally killed herself is a miracle. Between that and the manipulative suicide threats we started to spend too much time wondering if she was in her house dead or alive. My heart would jump when the phone rang thinking she'd been found dead. I feel free of having to worry about those things now.

[Cjais]

Just following this post as I have very similar issues with my BPD ex. I love him very dearly and see the good in him, so don’t want to just walk away from him, but I am really struggling with his behaviour.

I have written him a letter, so will of course let you know if he comes back with anything and the response.