I just am so broken...

[Broken Mama]

...hello...after episodes with my 19 year old daughter...i often go to the internet and google searches to look for other parents who may have also felt like they come to the end of their rope, and I came upon this support site and read a few posts...I felt less alone, and maybe a tad less guilty for feeling the way i do.

I can't even talk to her.  EVER!  Where do I start?  I love her so much, my baby girl
I seem to be her biggest trigger...I can't even breathe sometimes without annoying her. Her words cut deep, constantly calling me a narcissist and liar and blaming me for making her have BPD.  She is extremely fragile (suicidal).  I have gotten her as much help as I can.  She is always too tired to do ANYTHING for herself.  Always uses BPD/ADHD etc as her excuse.  I am in no means have ANY idea what people with BPD go through.  I've tried to understand it, but it still seems to me that just because one has mental health issues, it's no excuse to be so disrespectful.  Name calling, blame, starts screaming, hitting herself, goes on forever. 

I feel like I'm stuck.  I know there's a lot she can't do for herself like finances.  Actually anything is a struggle for her.  She smokes weed to help her brain be calm as there are a hundred thoughts going through her head all the time.  I feel this may not be a good thing but...it helps her...and she won't stop.

I am thinking of getting my own place and going back and forth between my place and the main house.  I have 2 other kids and husband.  I cry every day.  I do my best not to engage but she will come and sit with me and want a hug...which is great.  Then I ask a question...any question, but if it's one that triggers her...that's it...she just escalates and at the end I"m left so broken, crying and in disbelief...I don't want to leave my family. I don't want to make her move.  I'm not out to make her life difficult.  She is currently in therapy, just started with DBT.  Has anyone's person with BPD had success with this?  I just feel that if I am away from the environment, it may help her...I don't know...she would only call me...as she often does if I've left for a weekend for "me" time.  My life is chaos. I am so unhappy and it's so not fair to the rest of the family. 

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever picture my life like this, but at the same time I am still feeling so blessed for my life.  I know there are families who have it worse. I'm so lucky she is still here with us.  She constantly tells me that she feels like we all want her to die.  I tell her that's not true.  Her siblings aren't as understanding...it's just hard, but that doesn't mean they don't want her to get better.  We all want her to get better, get help and succeed in life. 

This only got much worse a couple years ago when she started looking for her symptoms on line and self diagnosed herself with BPD, but I feel she has a case and is in the midst of being diagosed with BPD.  Does anyone have someone with BPD that is on medication that has helped...even maybe with mood swings?  I don't know...I'm grasping...

I can say this...she treats me like the worst doormat and I continue to be there for her, but it's killing me...she's 19...I'm not going to just up and leave and not be part of her life...but I feel there will come an age...20?  21?  22?  where I will be like, "enough is enough"...but i've been reading some posts where it's still going on at 40?  I can't...I just can't...

I feel like I have a plan...and now she's in DBT which is supposed to be the BEST for people with BPD.  Will I ever reach the point where I love myself more that I just look after myself first?  That's so hard to even say.  BUT, it's not like they are youths...she is an adult, and I feel that's where parents start saying, "ok...enough"...but I just want to...keep hanging on.  She is being strong enough to hang on and stay on the planet...I need to be strong enough to continue to be here for her, but I just feel I need to do something to look after myself so I CAN continue to be here for her...and I just thought having a place of my own to "escape" maybe a week at a time would help. Help her anyway...I feel being around her just sets her off.  I'm soo worried about her and her future.

And just now she called me, calmly, about something in her room, as if there was no episode an hour ago?  She cleaned her room, made her bed and seems to be a bit better.  She tries...she really tries to be in a good place, and to keep surviving, but it's so difficult for her to do.  It just breaks my heart to see her struggle so much for even the simplest things...

I would really like to hear from anyone out there.

Thank you all for listening

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[KBug]

I'm so sorry that your life with your daughter is so difficult right now.  You are in the right place. People here know what you're talking about. Your story sounds very familiar to me.

It sounds like you know the first steps that you need to take.  You need to take care of yourself first. Taking care of yourself will help you to be in a good space to help your daughter and will show her an example of how to set boundaries in relationships.  I would start by finding a good therapist who understands BPD to help you set boundaries with your daughter and to help you problem solve. You will learn a lot of good communication strategies, too. BPD is hard for the person who suffer with it as well as the people who love that person.

Medication and therapy have helped our daughter.  DBT does help. When she's following her program, she's doing well enough to go to college at 12 credit hours per semester. She still struggles emotionally but she's mostly functional. When she goes off her meds, she won't likely finish the semester, has frequent emotional melt-downs, self medicates with pot and alcohol, and often ends up in the hospital for suicidal ideation. What's frustrating is that she goes off her meds because she doesn't like the way they make her feel, but she actually functions better on her meds with less depression and anxiety than when she's off her meds. We keep encouraging her to talk with her prescriber about the meds to find out what might work that has fewer side effects, but I suspect that she's not addressing this issue with him.

If your daughter gets to the point where she can handle a college class or two, make sure that you hook her up with disability services at the college.  They can help get her accommodations to help her stay in school.  Our daughter gets incompletes for the semester for classes that she can't finish, flexible due dates on assignments, and a greater number of absences from class.

[Broken Mama]

Wow! It's like our lives are mirrored.  She self medicates on weed and sometimes alcohol and has ended up in the hospital a few times for attempted suicide.  She did apply for college but couldn't figure out how to zoom therefore dropped it just like that.  I spent hours emailing the college and the student aid to explain her condition so that we could get a full refund and return the money to the National Student council.  Also a letter explaining to the college so that if she ever applies again, she will be flagged so that she can be helped and walked through...however, at this time, I don't see education in the near future.  I'm ok with that...I just want her to be not like this.  May I ask what kind of medication your daughter takes.  Mine is on adderall for ADHD and zoloft for anxiety, but... is there anything else that will help medication wise.  She has only just begun DBT.  Already missed the first session...

I get anxious when she comes around me...for fear I will say something...anything...and it will become a big deal.  I am sometimes sleeping and she comes to see me for a hug, and of course I always hug her...but if I say something like, "why can't you sleep?"...or any minor question...will sometimes set her off.  It can be 2 am or 7 am, doesn't matter that everybody is asleep, she will have a complete yelling melt down.  I have learned she needs to let it out...but it has taken its toll on our family...her brother and sister.  I have spoken to them, explained what she has...have asked them to watch what they say around her, not to upset her.  Her youngest sister does her best but she is in her mid teens and sometimes just can't help herself but get annoyed with her sister's behaviour.  And then that upsets her sister because as she says, "It's not my fault I'm like this". 

Every day is exhausting...every day...and yet I feel soo bad for my daughter with BPD.  I feel so bad that she is going through this constant emotional pain she describes. I just don't understand it but do my best to be understanding, but it's never enough.  I always seem to say the wrong thing, ask the wrong question.  I try not to talk to her, stay away from her, not to engage with her...because it always ends up in a screaming episode that she feels I do this to her on purpose.  Which then sends me into my room sitting on the ground crying uncontrollably for how she is treating me and yelling at me that I am an unfit mother and a narcissit.  And I ask myself and tell myself, "I didn't do anything!"  All I did was go check in on her as I hadn't seen her in hours.  They say not to take it personally...much easier said than done. 

There are days where she treats me so terrible...and puts me down so much, yet has no problem coming to see me 15 minutes later and asks me to drive her somewhere.  Of course I will drive her... I don't want her going to take the bus to bad parts of town to weed stores.  People I know, friends I know...say that I have no respect for myself to let myself be treated with such disgust from my daughter...but they don't understand...I respect myself enough...enough to love her through it and take her to where she needs to go, and continue to care for her as much as I can.  But it's getting harder and harder to do, and part of the reason I continue...is because she is only 19...I feel that if she is still similar to how she is now, at 22...23...I will have to make some drastic changes as she will be 4 years into adult hood. 

I have read that BPD often "goes away" or in "remission".  I can only pray for that for her and that she stays here on the planet long enough that she gets older and mentally stronger and developed that she can cope better and mature.

I have lost who I once was...I have never felt so broken in my life, so helpless...so sad, yet angry.  I just want her to be not like this...

Thank you for listening...

[KBug]

I get the whole 'I am anxious around her because everything I say is an attack' issue. That's where we are right now.  Last week, her siblings were talking about prom and I mentioned that her prom dress was beautiful (she's 22 now).  She took this as a criticism of her weight because the dress no longer fits her. I didn't know the dress didn't fit, I don't think she has a weight problem, and even if she did struggle with her weight, I would NEVER say anything about it or judge her silently for it. This lead to her crying and going back to her mom's house.

When people with BPD are struggling, the parts of their brain that detect threat are often on overdrive and the rational parts of their brain that talk them down and tell them that it's not really a threat aren't working well. That's one of the reasons that everything seems to set them off. When we are calm/rational in response, it can help them to regulate their emotions.  Throwing our own intense emotions into the mix feeds the fire. When she's coming to you for reassurance, she is probably seeking you to help her regulate big emotions that she's feeling, so she's coming to you in a frame of mind that is primed to see threat where there isn't any [google emotional regulation and co-regulation].  I know it's really hard when you feel like everything you do is wrong.  In co-dependency programs, they talk about the 3 Cs: I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. You can't fix this for her, no matter how much you want to make it all better for her.  This is her journey. You can walk with her, support her, and learn more effective ways to interact with her, but you can't do this for her.

As for the idea that she can't help this, that's not completely true.  Yes, it's much much harder for some people than others but she can make some changes that will help her to function better. One thing that we know now from neuroscience is that we can rewire our brains to some extent (google neuroplasticity). Working with DBT and taking meds can help.  [I'm not answering your request for the meds that my step daughter is taking because they are highly dependent on the individual. It can take a lot of trials with different combos to find out what will work for her.  She needs to work with her prescriber.] When my stepdaughter is struggling, we talk about how it's not hopeless. I redirect her to what she's been learning from inpatient and her therapist and remind her that there's a lot of evidence that if she uses what she is learning that she can rewire her brain at least somewhat. The other piece of good news is that their adult brains aren't really developed until they are 25-so they have even greater ability to rewire their brains than older people.

I know that I said this before, but it's really important so I'll say it again. Seeing your own therapist will help you learn to set boundaries with her, especially around her emotional abuse of you.Take care of yourself first. Big hugs!

[normal person]

Hi, I am in the same boat.
Blames me for everything, anything I say is read as an attack. She also triangulates so badly by constantly involving a third person in every argument. I would say "you forgot the base part of equipment when you packed your stuff and ran away", she hears "you are nothing without me" and tells dad how mean I am. We have reached an extreme level of deregulated emotions where any contact is impossible and non existent.
I understand ins and outs of this disorder, but what upsets me the most is that husband does not believe she has BPD, does not want anything to know about BPD, enables her behaviour by letting her abuse me. I think it's actually breaking my relationship with him.
BPD daughter also sets her sister against me on a regular basis by saying things to sister she has ADHD and mom would not take you to doctor, she is so bad, she doesn't care about you. Sister doesnt have ADHD btw, checked by doctor, doesn't.
We have had 2 suicide attempts, when I have taken time off work, spent time in hospital, stayed home so she is not alone  while my husband could not care less about the situation, slept through whole ordeal, yet I am the bad one in the end.
I  try to be civil when she comes over, but progressively there is more and more anger... I say something, she doesn't respond... if she needs to be dropped off somewhere, she asks sister to ask me...always 3rd person involved 
I also picked up several empty alcohol bottles from her room, yet husband sees nothing wrong. I know based on her diary she likes to mix alcohol with prescription medicine, which is a worry.
And to top it all off, she has now relocated and enrolled to study psychiatry, which I am very confused about and not sure if that's a good or bad thing... not to mention, this is probably a 4th possible profession she wants to study... the goal is changing faster than I change socks... one day one profession, another day something else...now a psychiatrist... not to mention she has not been able to get or hold any job in the past.

[Sancho]

Golly if it wasn't for BPD family we would all be going through such similar times and thinking it was just each on of us!


 try not to talk to her, stay away from her, not to engage with her...because it always ends up in a screaming episode that she feels I do this to her on purpose.

This could be me speaking! I came to this position a while ago now, and to be honest it has helped! I don't initiate engagement unless absolutely necessary, and if we are in the same room I am at pains to be occupied with something.

If she initiates an interaction my response is minimal - few words, perhaps just a smile.

It has allowed her, I think, to come out of the fury more quickly.

However when the outbursts do happen - vile language, abuse directed at me personally - I am really whacked (not as badly as I used to be though). It's those times I start thinking about 'What if I moved out' etc.

My latest is 'What if I got a caravan and parked it outside and she could live in that.

And round and round it goes. I have to say I have made several attempts to help her set up independently - just more expense to me - and she has tried to move in and become a couple with a few different partners. None have worked out.

I am so, so sorry for everyone who is going through this. It really is hell on earth at times - lots of times - and it just affects the lives of everyone who is part of the BPD person's journey.

Sending love and hugs.

[normal person]

If she initiates an interaction my response is minimal - few words, perhaps just a smile.

I should try this... just smile, because anything I say gets twisted... before I clicked what's going on, I thought I am going mad... she somehow manipulates me and my words around translating it into something different , then involves 3rd person... it was going wild ... until doctor told me she has BPD ,which was only after her 2nd suicide attempt (first one I didn't not know about until doc said she is here again... I am like wait a minute... again?) ... before rumour was she has major depression and anxiety, she was hinting she is autistic, she has epilepsy, adhd, like whole list just to draw attention

[Broken Mama]

Hello to you all that replied.  My jaw is to the floor as to how we are all going through the mostly exact same thing.  It helps in a weird way just to know I am not alone, yet it doesn't mean that it's better. 

Today she has DBT and I have to remind her, so I reminded her.  She missed her first session even though she wrote it in her calendar.  It's like...she doesn't attempt to think of ways to help herself.  So when I went to her room one hour before her session to remind her..."MOM!  Stop, stop..." "so you don't want me to remind you...I'm just"    "mom stop, get out..."   she started to escalate so I left and closed the door.  It's now 42 mins to her session...and it's on zoom so sometimes she gets frustrated signing on. 

When I hear her on the phone to her friends or talking to family, she's all cheery and in a good mood, but ANYTHING to do with me is just terrible. 

During a suicide attempt...she was found in her car by police who gave her a violation of alcohol consumption.  She was attempting to mix alcohol with medicine.  The police finally let her call me.  I personally don't think they did the right thing but now I"m kind of grateful the path this is on...

She had her car towed for 30 days $862
$500 fine
lost license for 90 days.

She knows we were NOT going to pay for this.  I must say there are just certain things she just knows we aren't going to do.  So she paid to get her car out and is sitting in the drive way.  I have to manage her money which she doesn't complain about as long as I leave some for her in her account.  I just recently found out that she has to pay $250 to reapply for her license and $432 for the 6 points on her license due to what she did.  I have to say she had no intention on driving back home...I took her to the hospital right away where they monitored her, talked to her and asked her if she felt ok to go home!  I was like are you kidding me?  The Pyschiatrist explained the worst thing for people with BPD is bringing them to the hospital after a suicide attempt as they start to get dependant on it. 
Anyway...the 30 day tow was $862.  We did uninsure the car for the two months it's sitting in the driveway.  She has been in the house now for 2 months straight. Goes on walks sometimes but does weed to help her brain she says to me.  It's either that or "not be here".  What am I supposed to say to that?  Oh, and then we got a letter in the mail that she has to register for the RDP program which is the "responsible driving program".  This program doesn't care if you drink or do drugs, it just teaches you and talks about how NOT to mix them with driving AT ALL!  Yes, another whopping $930!  We are now waiting on her to get the call where she gets a 30 minute interview to determine if she goes into the 8 hour or 16 hour program.  It's just never ending.  And she has to start her N all over again, which isn't the worst thing, at least she will get to drive.  I really am grateful that this happened as I'm really hoping she will see what a priviledge it is to drive.  But here's the thing...I have asked my husband to sit with her when the time comes as she would just go off on me, like crazy ass PLEASE READ.  She just has no respect for me or tolerance of any kind, no matter what it is.  She has a bit more patience for her dad.  Oh that's because she says I made him out to be a monster when she was a kid.  seriously, anyway...I've asked him to really talk to her about how one more violation, anything, a speeding ticket...can add more points.  Do you know if you get 12 points on your licence it can increase your insurance by 90%?  There's a driver risk program for when people get more than one dui, and then there's the points program.  This is how they are lowering the insurance rates for good drivers and going after people who otherwise are putting others at risk on the road by speeding or having road rage or whatever the case may be.

Anyway, we are going on April 3rd to get her license back, hopefully, if there isn't anything else I don't know about.  But I want her dad to explain to her that she can have the freedom she so loves to have in her car by NOT having anymore violations of any kind.  I feel like we have to educate her or if something else happens she will blame us for not making her aware. 

Oh my goodness...I come on here and just go on and on and on and on...I'm sorry...my fingers just won't stop typing my thoughts.  It feels freeing kind of knowing that you all can relate to what I'm talking about. 

I was thinking today...if money wasn't an issue, like if we had a million dollars (which we totally don't)...at first I was like...I would rent her a 2 br apartment and she can have a roommate if she wanted, and I would pay rent for 3 years, all put aside and she can start her life.  But...I was already getting worried about her.  Damn...I can't win...maybe...right now a lot of it has to do with the fact that she is just 19, even though an adult...she is young minded and would crap all over me for saying that.  But what if she is still young minded at 22 or 23, but it's my hope and belief that as we get older, even the difference between 19 and 22...we mature, and I even read that a lot of times...the traits and characteristics of BPD kind of go away. 

Like the mom in the previous post said, you want to move out.  That is always my survival mechanism.  I start looking for condos, basement suites, anything to get away.  Yet I have a 15 year old daughter who needs me still...I don't want to leave, and then there's the whole abandonment issue with my oldest daughter who does have BPD, she would never let me live that down.  And I want to move far enough away, like...the Okanagan, only a 4 hour drive but not so close that I would be available to be at her beck and call.  But then what if she attempts again, and I'm 4 hours away. OMG! With my luck she would want to come with me...
 Every day is so hard...

20 minutes to the session and she is still on the phone to her friend.  I have faith she will get off the phone. 

Anyone out there have a son or daughter with BPD that it kind of went away and came back years later and kind of said "what the heck was that part of my life and I'm so sorry for everything I put you through?" LOL!

Ok...well my anxiety is getting the better of me as the session draws closer.

Thank you Thank you Thank you all for replying and talking to me.  It helps me a lot.

[KBug]

All her financial problems sound like good, natural outside consequences for her behavior.  I'm glad that you and your husband didn't rescue her.  Good for you!

I really want to emphasize that you need to take care of yourself first.  Find ways to get out of the house or a nice hidey-hole [reading in the chair in my bedroom-for me] in your house that you can use when you need a break. Put a lock on the door to your hidey-hole if you need to.  It's painful to watch your loved ones in so much pain and not be able to help them, but it's okay to withdraw when you need space or peace. I have a couple good friends who know how hard this is for me.  I can text them and they will create an escape excuse for me.  Sometimes it's a phone call so I can hide in my room for a while.  Other times my neighbor will come over and ask me to help her with something.  I rarely leave in the middle of a crying/meltdown (unless it turns nasty) but sometimes when I sniff it in the air before the main meltdown event happens, I find a way to make myself scarce before the eruption if I don't have the emotional bandwith to deal with it. Much of the time, I stick around and talk with her but it often sucks the life out of me.  Some days, I just can't deal with all the emotions.  She comes crying to me and wants to talk about how she's feeling and it turns into a several hour ordeal, sometimes ending with nastiness. When the nastiness comes, it's easier to cut her off but when she's despondent it's harder.

[KBug]

And a little tough love to you:  Don't get so wrapped up in the choices she makes. It's okay to remind her once about her therapy appointment if she had trouble remembering.  Anything beyond that (and maybe the reminder is too much) is setting you two up for a battle of wills and her justification for blaming you for stuff that goes wrong in her life. She's 19 and she needs help in becoming as independent as possible. When you take on responsibility for things she should be doing for herself, she misses out on the opportunity to learn and grow and gain the confidence to be more independent. When she goes to blame you for stuff, point out that she's an adult, she is responsible for her own adult decisions, and it's not your place to tell her what to do or to rescue her from the consequences of her decisions. This may be a useful boundary to set for both of you. I help mine sometimes when she asks, but I bite my lip a lot a lot a lot to keep myself from telling her what to do and how to live her life. It doesn't work anyway:  She won't listen, it will cause a huge fight, and she will find a way to blame me anyway. Even if she asks, I will often redirect her. "Wow.  That sounds like a really difficult situation. What would your therapist suggest that you do?" I want her to apply what she's learning from DBT for herself rather than relying on other people to fix things for her.