violent kid with bpd

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello,
a friend of mine is a single mother with a 21 years old son that has bpd and that is violent.
she is French, so i am asking on her behalf.
Her son is on probation for threatening another kid with a knife. He broke is probation and has been given a choice between 3 months of therapy of jail time.
when he heard that choice, he destroyed the living room wall. The mom got scared, and the kid left the home (breaking his probation again).
She can barely afford therapy (if the son wants it).
What iz the recommended support?
Pay for therapy no matter what?
Let him pay for his therapy?
Let him go to jail?
She is, as you all understand, exhausted. As she says, she cannot deal with him anymore.
Any suggestions is very welcome.
Love you all.

[paspaul]

Hello,
a friend of mine is a single mother with a 21 years old son that has bpd and that is violent.
she is French, so i am asking on her behalf.
Her son is on probation for threatening another kid with a knife. He broke is probation and has been given a choice between 3 months of therapy of jail time.
when he heard that choice, he destroyed the living room wall. The mom got scared, and the kid left the home (breaking his probation again).
She can barely afford therapy (if the son wants it).
What iz the recommended support?
Pay for therapy no matter what?
Let him pay for his therapy?
Let him go to jail?
She is, as you all understand, exhausted. As she says, she cannot deal with him anymore.
Any suggestions is very welcome.
Love you all.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[endofmyropemom]

Hi Paspaul.  First all, you sound like a great friend to have.  I think a lot of people on the outside would be quick to judge a mother that has a kid that is out of control.  I am pretty certain I have been judged, but at this point, I am OK with it.  I know how hard I work to help my son.

I would say the best way you can help your friend is to encourage her to start doing things to enrich her own life, like maybe joining a an online group like this one (that is in French) where she can get support.  The more she learns about BPD, the more empowered she will be.  Be there for her when she really needs an ear.  If she asks for your opinion, I would encourage her to allow the consequences for any violent or illegal activity, given that her son is clearly out of control.  My own son has gone to jail for drinking and shoplifting.  He indulges in risky behavior when he is not doing what he needs to do to keep up with his therapy and sobriety.  He told me if he went to jail, he would just kill himself, but he hasn't.  

I personally made the decision to not allow him to come back to our home after many incidents of him punching holes in the walls, traumatic incidents of self harm, stealing from us, and getting intoxicated.   Your friend should understand that her home is her sanctuary and she has a right to live there without his violence.  She should make him understand that the next time he threatens violence or does damage to their home, she will call the police.  Then she must be willing to follow through.  

In the end, these young adults are responsible for their consequences.  Sometimes that is what it takes for them to want some element of wellness.  I do still struggle with my son, but at least he is not under my roof anymore.

Good luck.