Update on things

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My update for March 1st.

So I backed off and have been doing my own thing. In the last few weeks I think I text her maybe twice and haven't seen her face-to-face at all. My first text a few weeks ago I asked how she was doing. She text back and said she was doing great. Trying to get her Business going and doing her school work. She then said that she hoped I was well. I told her I was good and just working on projects. That was the extent of our conversation.

The other day I sent a picture to a bunch of my friends including her. She responded and we message back and forth a couple of times about it. I asked how she been doing and she went into detail about her business she's trying to get off the ground. She told me she started a group for it, is working on the logo, and is going to have it printed on t-shirts. She told me how excited she was about it. She also told me how she is loving her college classes too. She seemed really excited about all of that. I could definitely tell considering how much detail she was sharing with me about it. To be honest I was a little surprised of how much detail she was giving me. I told her that was awesome and I was way excited for her. She then responded and told me that she hoped I was doing well. Again I responded and told her I was just working on projects and excited to get some done and others started. She said I sounded busy and good luck with all that. I told her good luck as well. That was the extent of that conversation too. So a few weeks, no face-to-face contact, and very little communication.

I'm glad we are able to keep some sort of friendship. It would seem that it will be a distant friendship. With the very limited communication and the conversations being very short it feels like it will it be a distant friendship. I kind of get that feeling when she just tells me that she hopes I am doing well and good luck on my stuff and not actually asking how I'm doing or asking about how some of my projects are coming that I've shared with her.

I do have to say however, it is better than it has been in the past when we've been apart. Many times when we've been apart (or should I say most times?) She has been angry at me and if I would have text her she either would not have responded or would have responded very coldly telling me not to text her or something to that effect.

Things seem to be different between us this time. Like she is completely done with the relationship but is still cordial enough for a distant friendship. As far as in public however, I'm not sure how she will react to me. Today I was going back to work and was at the stoplight making a left hand turn. I looked up and she was directly across from me waiting to come through the intersection. The light turned green and she drove across the street right past me. I waved but she looked like she was ignoring me. I remember several weeks ago when I walked into Walmart and she walked across the parking lot to ignore me. I'm never quite sure what to make of that but just continue on. I said hi or waived or acknowledged her and if she chooses to ignore me then so be it. It hurts a little but she handles things differently I guess.

As for me I will continue doing my thing. Working out, working on me, and working on my projects. I don't know where things with her will go from this point on. It's hard to say. I do miss her and wish things could be different between us but they are what they are.

[Carguy]

My update for March 1st.

So I backed off and have been doing my own thing. In the last few weeks I think I text her maybe twice and haven't seen her face-to-face at all. My first text a few weeks ago I asked how she was doing. She text back and said she was doing great. Trying to get her Business going and doing her school work. She then said that she hoped I was well. I told her I was good and just working on projects. That was the extent of our conversation.

The other day I sent a picture to a bunch of my friends including her. She responded and we message back and forth a couple of times about it. I asked how she been doing and she went into detail about her business she's trying to get off the ground. She told me she started a group for it, is working on the logo, and is going to have it printed on t-shirts. She told me how excited she was about it. She also told me how she is loving her college classes too. She seemed really excited about all of that. I could definitely tell considering how much detail she was sharing with me about it. To be honest I was a little surprised of how much detail she was giving me. I told her that was awesome and I was way excited for her. She then responded and told me that she hoped I was doing well. Again I responded and told her I was just working on projects and excited to get some done and others started. She said I sounded busy and good luck with all that. I told her good luck as well. That was the extent of that conversation too. So a few weeks, no face-to-face contact, and very little communication.

I'm glad we are able to keep some sort of friendship. It would seem that it will be a distant friendship. With the very limited communication and the conversations being very short it feels like it will it be a distant friendship. I kind of get that feeling when she just tells me that she hopes I am doing well and good luck on my stuff and not actually asking how I'm doing or asking about how some of my projects are coming that I've shared with her.

I do have to say however, it is better than it has been in the past when we've been apart. Many times when we've been apart (or should I say most times?) She has been angry at me and if I would have text her she either would not have responded or would have responded very coldly telling me not to text her or something to that effect.

Things seem to be different between us this time. Like she is completely done with the relationship but is still cordial enough for a distant friendship. As far as in public however, I'm not sure how she will react to me. Today I was going back to work and was at the stoplight making a left hand turn. I looked up and she was directly across from me waiting to come through the intersection. The light turned green and she drove across the street right past me. I waved but she looked like she was ignoring me. I remember several weeks ago when I walked into Walmart and she walked across the parking lot to ignore me. I'm never quite sure what to make of that but just continue on. I said hi or waived or acknowledged her and if she chooses to ignore me then so be it. It hurts a little but she handles things differently I guess.

As for me I will continue doing my thing. Working out, working on me, and working on my projects. I don't know where things with her will go from this point on. It's hard to say. I do miss her and wish things could be different between us but they are what they are.

[khibomsis]

Carguy, well done! Thanks for checking in. I am glad the two of you are getting along. And even more so that you are able to remain calm. If you are reaching acceptance it is the final stage of grieving.
I am not there yet, today is a particularly bad day. I just let myself cry when I need to and determinedly get on with the next piece of work. I am so glad your projects are going well! Especially the exercise. It keeps me from going insane.

Yes, when she ignores you it drives you crazy. I think you did exactly the right thing. Would suggest you then sing Yankee Doodle very loudly or whatever your favourite mantra is. There is no making sense of what pwBPD do sometimes, there is a cheeseburger post on the Bettering board which is priceless. From now on my mantra is cheeseburger

More seriously, though, here is the lesson on grieving which might be of help to you:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=292033.0

 

[Carguy]

Thanks Khimbosis!

I completely understand the bad days! I talked to my therapist today and like I was telling him, some days are better than others. Some days I feel pretty good and other days I truly miss her and my loneliness causes me to want to reach out, go into Walmart to try to bump into her, text her, whatever. It truly is hard. I do feel that I am moving closer to acceptance though. The pain seems to be subsiding a little. Keeping myself busy really helps. Having things to look forward to with my projects and such. Like my therapist and I were talking about today, the true test will be down the road when the loneliness start setting in. I have noticed recently that it seems that with my pattern, after a while apart I will start feeling lonely and missing her and that's when I end up reaching out to her and trying to recycle the relationship. Right now my projects and my working out are helping to keep me somewhat grounded. It really does help!

Being ignored truly has been something I have struggled with throughout my life. Especially by someone that I was so close to. I am learning to just accept that perhaps that is how she cope's. I did read that post about cheeseburgers. I can say that my ex BPD never did anything quite like that. Funny how she did that and then blamed him.. Then she turns around later and is hungry and wants him to go get her a cheeseburger. If you didn't know the situation you would swear that it was a young child acting out. My ex didn't throw things or get explosive like that but she did blame me for things that i don't feel were my fault.

So kind of interesting. This evening right as I was getting off of work she text me out of the blue. She asked me if I could tell her what I knew about a vehicle. I told her sure. I asked her if she was looking for anything specific or just general. She told me she had pics and sent them to me. It's an old four-wheel drive pickup like her Grandpa used to have. She's thinking about buying it. I looked at the pictures and then stopped by Walmart and talk to her. I told her what I could tell by the pictures. We then chatted for a little bit about funny things in our lives and just general things we've been doing. I then went and bought some orange juice and gave her a hug before I left I told her to have a good day and it was good to see her.

I really was kind of surprised to hear from her and that she reached out to me to ask my input on this. She told me she was looking at it and thought she could ask me because she knew I would know a lot about stuff like that. She told me thanks and that she really did appreciate it.

I am still going to continue doing what I'm doing. Maintaining some distance and doing my own thing. It's nice to hear from her once in awhile and be able to have some sort of friendship though.

[khibomsis]

Lovely, Carguy! It is heartening to see your strategy working. I miss the same thing about my expwBPD - then I tell myself that I would rather have fewer but better moments than trying to make a life in the midst of the volcano. My measuring stick is fewer dysregulations. As long as she keeps getting better I will handle the grief as it comes.

I am so happy your ex is getting her life together and feels comfortable calling you. You did exactly the right thing: cool, friendly and not pushy. With time she will open up to you some more.

It is good news also that you are figuring things out in therapy. The tough part about co-dependency is that one becomes so other-focused it is hard to hear oneself, and truth be told I cherish these periods of time to myself, and being able to plan my own life. Tough days I am just religious about the routine: chanting, exercise and outdoor time.

Being blamed for stuff you didn't do is the worst. Or in technical terms gaslighting and projection. Here is a lesson on why pwBPD do this: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0 Does it make you think differently of her after you read it?

Maybe to anticipate the loneliness and start hanging out with friends and family? If lockdown allows.

I moved back into my bedroom after sleeping in the back for weeks. It has new paint, new bedspread and new curtains. Hope your projects are going well  

[Mutt]

Hey Carguy,

It’s good to hear from you. I can relate with your post. Its hard to be in a new routine by yourself and having self doubt about the end goal.

Is this routine going to be the routine that’s going to play out forever?

Fake it until you make it make. She could very well be doing that. I’d suggest to mimic what she does, if she’s not being particularly close then reciprocate the same thing. Is she a person that doesn’t display physical affection. Then do the save thing with her.

Another suggestion, do you have a fitness goal? Do you want bulk up and put on 30 lbs of muscle? Do you want to be able to bench one rep at 300lbs? Create a fitness goal and work towards that goal. Invest your extra time in yourself. For example set a block of time for 30 or 45 minutes a day 5-6 times a week. It takes time but every time you work out you’re getting closer to you goal. Someone will notice the work that you put in eventually.

I think that she knows that she has control and she knows that she can have you. She’s in control don’t give her clues that you still feelings for her. Once that she realizes she doesn’t have the same hold she’ll be curious as to why she’s not getting your attention and she may start chasing.

Keep investing your time in yourself. You might be surprised at the opportunities that you’re going to have in the future and you mighty find yourself forgetting about your pwBPD it was a cycle that had its place in your life.

[Cnvi]

I completely understand the bad days! I talked to my therapist today and like I was telling him, some days are better than others. Some days I feel pretty good and other days I truly miss her and my loneliness causes me to want to reach out, go into Walmart to try to bump into her, text her, whatever. It truly is hard. I do feel that I am moving closer to acceptance though. The pain seems to be subsiding a little. Keeping myself busy really helps. Having things to look forward to with my projects and such. Like my therapist and I were talking about today, the true test will be down the road when the loneliness start setting in. I have noticed recently that it seems that with my pattern, after a while apart I will start feeling lonely and missing her and that's when I end up reaching out to her and trying to recycle the relationship. Right now my projects and my working out are helping to keep me somewhat grounded. It really does help!

I'm in the same boat with loneliness right now, trying to keep the willpower not to message them when it hits can be one hell of a struggle. One thing my therapist has mentioned to me was trying to take a few minutes when loneliness hits (if you have time), and try and take it in / understand it. In my case I'm more so afraid of being alone / get stuck in a fear mind that I'll be alone forever, so he's trying to help me challenge that fear in hopes of becoming comfortable with it and ultimately overcoming it.

Also, cardio / exercise does wonders when I get into moods like that. 20-30 minutes on a stationary bike has me so exhausted I can't even remember what I was thinking about haha.

It does feel like it's getting easier day by day, week by week, baby steps. It's awesome that the two of you are able to get along and communicate healthily throughout this.

Keep your head up!

[Carguy]

Khibomsis,

It does give me better understanding. I knew that a lot of the things she did was projection but this sheds a little more light on things. It makes me feel a little bad for her and it also makes me wonder if some of the things I was accused of were things that she was doing or similar things. I think quite a few of them were from her imagination too. There were also some that my therapist explained to me as to why she felt this or that. It made a lot more sense when he explain it to me.

Luckily living out in a rural area the lockdown hasn't affected us nearly as much. I can go jump on my ATV and go for a ride in our mountains or ride on the bike path across the street from me or several things. Sadly most of my friends have moved out of the area and the few that I do have here have spouses and families. I do find that working on my things helps though. And to be honest I have been more of a loner all of my life.

I bet that feels great to have your bedroom all done like that! This weekend is supposed to be really sunny and warm. Beautiful weather! I plan on getting out and start doing some work to pour concrete for my hot tub and a few things. I look forward to it!

Mutt,

Good to hear from you as well! As far as the routine being forever, I'm unsure. Right now I'm just taking it day by day. Giving space and trying to figure myself out and what I want.

I think that is good advice. I'm keeping some distance and not pursuing anything. I didn't have anything for lunch today so I ran into Walmart to grab a salad. On the way out she was bringing in carts and I waved. She waved back and then we chatted for a few seconds and then we said bye as I walked off. Just a brief friendly encounter.

As far as my fitness goals, I am trying to build more muscle mass to compete better in my Highland Games. My first competition of the season is in April. My goal is to beat my personal records from last year. I've been pushing myself to work out three times a day. I haven't actually worked out 3 times a day yet but once to twice a day I have been. I've been mixing it up throughout the day with P90X, weight lifting, and riding my bike on my lunch break at work.

I think you're right on her knowing she has control. The times that my ex-wife and I split up I had people telling me that as well. I have noticed that when I stay away and don't have contact with my ex BPD, that is when I might hear from her. The other day when she texts me out of the blue about that truck she wants to buy, I hadn't seen her in almost 3 weeks? And I had only text her twice during the same period. Just short text asking how she's doing and our conversations were brief. I also know the other guy it's still in the picture. They're supposed to just be friends but who knows? I think you're right though, if I don't let her have the same hold it will probably make her wonder. I think right now that continuing to stay away and have very limited contact is best for me.

Cnvi,

It is extremely hard! We try to bargain with ourselves and talk ourselves into texting or reaching out to them. My therapist pointed that out. I have that same struggle convincing myself I'm going to be alone forever. I told my therapist the other day that I've been alone more in my adult life then I have been with somebody. Just like my childhood. It makes it harder living in a rural area where there are very few single women and really no activities to go to to meet them.

I can tell you that when I am working out and looking better it makes me feel a lot better about myself! It does help! It doesn't really help me stop thinking about her but it helps me to feel better about me.

The funny thing is, most of my ex's I have maintained friendships with afterwards. Some of them we drifted apart and didn't hear from each other again, a few others I see from time to time or have them on my Facebook. We don't chat regularly and we don't hang out or anything like that. But if we see each other we definitely say hi and ask how each other's been doing. My ex-wife and I are actually good friends and she even rents a house from me. Our marriage didn't work but our friendship does. It does get easier. It's still kind of hard for me but not as bad as it used to be. I'm still working at it.

[khibomsis]

Dear Carguy, it is good to know you are hanging on in there. What you are going through is hard, I know, but it gets better with time.

Yes, the projections are terrible. If it is tough for you on the outside of them, imagine what it must be like to be on the inside. The bottom line is your ex is going through too much pain at the moment to have emotional space for a relationship. If she is with the other guy, he is getting the projections now. Is that not a good thing?

My bedroom is great  There is a still a screw and a nail here and there so I have set aside Saturdays to keep fixing the house. I can't wait for you to start your hottub!

I had a haircut too. New beginnings 

If I were you I would start hanging out with my couple friends. Hang around lots. Their wives will find you a mate fast enough 
 

[Carguy]

It is hard. I don't know if she is projecting on this guy yet or not but she may eventually. I'm pretty sure that she is in a relationship with this guy. She told me they were just friends but I think there's more to it honestly.

I did get some stuff done last weekend. I got some forms built so I can start pouring concrete when we have another nice weekend. I'm excited to get the hot tub going! I also started practicing a little for my games coming up next month. I'm excited for that as well!

I need a haircut! Yes, new beginnings! I actually have a girl that wants to meet up for coffee next month when I am in her town for my games. I think that'll be nice.

So the other day I think I was being tested. Friday I sent my ex a link to a song I have came to like a lot. The song says he doesn't need caffeine or alcohol or drugs. He just needs gasoline. I thought it was a great fit! Since I was a little kid I've always loved cars. During my teenage years I had friends get into partying and drug and in frequent trouble with the law. I was always spending my money on my card and working on them. My grandpa had said that it kept me out of trouble and it's kind of true. In the song It also says he doesn't need a woman. It wasn't until Saturday that she responded and she told me that was great that I found the song I like so much but she highly recommend not telling an ex-girlfriend anything that implies not needing a woman. She said it could come off wrong. I replied telling her that part of the song wasn't what I focused on. I told her how it fit me being a gearhead. I told her that really my feelings were quite the opposite. That I do want her in my life and if it's as a friend then I accept and will be grateful. It was kind of a long text. I sent that Saturday morning and she didn't reply until Monday morning.

The first thing she said was "Thank you for being patient with my reply." She went on thanking me for the explanation and the apology and showing that I care. And she told me to have a good day. I just replied and said you're welcome and thank you and to have a great day too. The funny thing was, I really wasn't being patient with her reply. It actually irritated me a little when she didn't respond Saturday or Sunday. I just basically gave up and figured she wasn't going to reply and didn't text another thing and just went about doing my thing. When I read that first sentence it made me wonder if it was a test or something? IDK.

[khibomsis]

Dear Carguy, well done! You managed to stay cool and keep your distance, and you are actually getting sweet (if a little confusing) responses. Keep it up.

Yes, it is great that you are focused on your workout, you want the ladies to have something good to look at now  You are going to have so much fun at the games, a chance to get out and socialize and be the Carguy you used to be. Maybe a little older and wiser and far more self-aware.

I have new bathroom curtains. 
 

[Carguy]

Thanks! I haven't talked to her in over a week and haven't seen her for two weeks and I seen her today and got some more confusing responses. I just posted in this group about it. I would like your thoughts on it.

I'm definitely trying to stay focused on my work out! I will have fun at the games! I always do! I absolutely love it! The people in our organization are awesome! All the guys I compete with are fun and cheer each other on. It's a great atmosphere!

Isn't it fun to get new things for your house? I need to get some more blinds for some of my windows. I bought the nice wood blinds for my upstairs Windows but still need a few more. I did get gravel put in the forms this weekend and rebar all set up. I am now ready to pour concrete. Hopefully the weather next weekend is nicer than it was this weekend.

[khibomsis]

Hey Carguy, well done. Bit by bit you are healing.
On these boards we see that people who have strong interests outside the relationship tend to recover well, and faster. So the games are great not least because it will get you thinking of other things and other people.
Wooden blinds sound delightful I hope the weather co-operates! Best get your hot tub done before the games, yes, you never know who will want to share it with you 

[Carguy]

I'm trying to heal! Some days it doesn't feel like I am but other days it feels like I am a little.

I feel lucky that I have a few different interest that I love. From working on cars, dirt bikes, and ATVs (and riding), to my Highland Games. They definitely help!

Wooden blinds go well with the rest of my kitchen and front room. When I built my house I had oak cabinets installed and I installed my own laminate wood flooring in both rooms. I'll tell you what, after a couple of days of getting up and down repeatedly to cut and fit pieces around my hearth for my wood stove and all the other places, I questioned why I didn't pay someone else to do it! My legs were sore! It was definitely satisfying though.

So funny thing about someone wanting to share my hot tub with me. My manager had a hot tub at his last house that he sold. He told me that if he knew what he knows now when he was late teens to early twenties, the two things he would have bought was a hot tub and a tanning bed. He said he always had girls over wanting to use both. Girls he didn't even know. LOL.

After that I was in Home Depot buying stuff to do the concrete work and I told the girl ringing me up "That added up fast!" She kind of laughed and agreed. I said "All this just to get my hot tub up and going!" She perked right up and said she loved hot tubs and her and her friends want a hot tub and on and on. I thought to myself, he was right! LOL! Mind you she was too young for me but I still had to grin.