Fear regarding boundaries and being cut off

[DOSB]

I understand that to protect my own mental health I need to create boundaries with my BPD adult son (aged early 30s). But the thing that worries me the most is that usually when I do try to set boundaries he then becomes even angrier and cuts me off so I cannot have any contact with him - sometimes for months at a time. I am his principal supporter and I worry that whilst he is not having contact with me he may harm himself or even kill himself. If I am there I am at least able to try to convince him not to do something to harm himself and then if I think he still might I can get help for him. I care for my son deeply and this is a terrible position to be in. How do others manage this dilemma? I am new to this site so perhaps this has already been covered in other posts?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome!
1. Put the focus on yourself.  Easier said than done, but it can be done.  You first must accept the fact that at 30+ years old, your son is an adult.  If he sees no better than to cut you off when he doesn't get his way, gently I say to you , that is on him.  You can't control that.  
2. Yes the BPD adult child hates when we have boundaries.  However, these are necessary to live in this world.   No one else in society is going to cut him slack for his behavior .
3. I understand your terror at what he will do if you don't help.  However, you can't  convince him, control him, prevent him from doing what he will do  or think.  
4. I suggest reading up more on BPD- start with the suggested reading from the Library on this forum" Stop Walking on Eggshells".   They also tell you the best way to take care of the adult BPD is to take care of yourself first.  You are obliged to take care of yourself.
5. I was terrified of my own adult son self harming to the point of killing himself .  Due to his violence, I was forced to put in place the ultimate boundary of him not living in my home anymore.  That was 2 years ago.  We are estranged, but we are both still alive in the world .  This was more than I dared hope.  What I am saying is you can' t be afraid to live your life.
6. In addition to readings, some of us go to 12 step programs such as Co dependents anonymous which helps us put the focus back on us and to learn how to detach.  
7. You are not alone- we  are kindred spirits here. I am glad you added us to your own network of help .