Feel like I'm trapped with no way out

[jjj5835]

This is tough to write. I've been married to my wife for over 3 years now, and we've been together for 7. We have 7 month old newborn twins. We recently moved across the country so that she could be closer to her family as we started a family, just the latest in a series of years of events that I thought would finally see her be happy. But this year, I started to realize she never will be. I realized that her anger and abuse towards the people that she loves the most can't be fixed with a move to be close to her family, it can't be cured with me sacrificing everything I care about. I thought that moving away from my own friends and family and giving her everything she could possibly want, but I finally decided to do the hard work and research BPD. She meets 7 of the 9 criteria as a "moderate BPD"; she exhibits all symptoms/mannerisms nearly to a T aside from physical abuse/self-harm.

There likely isn't enough space on this page to talk about the abuse she has put me through for almost the entirety of our relationship. We initially met and fell in love quickly. We were starting the first jobs of our careers, living in a fun place with similar life goals (which we talked about in the first few dates), shared the same religion, and enjoyed the honeymooning phase. There was not a single indication of BPD until we moved into a studio apartment, and an incident occurred nearly right after she moved in with me that stays with me to this day (this was about 6 years ago).

I had an event with work where we were going to take a water cruise around the city with people from my job, and people from other companies similar to the one I worked for. This was not a holiday party, or any kind of event designed for anything other than networking. I told my friend who worked in a similar industry and who lived in the same city we did about the event, and he asked if I could bring him along. A far time from knowing that I'd be spending the next 6 years walking on eggshells, being told that I prioritize my friends over her, being told to "go move in with your friend and leave the kids with me" time and time again, I told her about this situation casually while we were at brunch with our best friends. What ensued was something I had always laughed at, something I knew that I would never be a part of.

She absolutely lost her mind in front of me, and in front of our friends at the table. "How could you not invite me?"; "You're so selfish!", "You care about your relationships with your friends more than ours!"; all at a table where our friends just looked on in complete surprise. I walked away to the bar but she followed me, now the screaming continued in front of the entire restaurant. I was so shocked; not at the fact that a couple could fight, but that I was in one of those relationships that I never could've imagined myself in.

I always wanted to be married, have kids, and settle down right at the times in which those events have happened. That event was just a precursor for the next few years. I am constantly verbally and emotionally abused. I am so beaten down. I ask myself the question; if not for the kids, would you divorce her? The answer is yes, 100%.

Even worse, the kids are often subject to her abusive tirades. They won't happen with me anymore, I take my kids and close the door in a separate room. They continue to happen with my mother-in-law and my brother-in-law, who are the other people in her life she is closest with, and who have brushed her BPD under the rug for their entire lives. Her father is a narcissist who preys on putting other people in uncomfortable situations; genetic-wise I think her BPD is an offset from a mental disorder that he has.

The one silver lining is that she is a great mother to the kids; responsible, caring, and devoted to making them happy. Sadly, I don't think it can save this relationship. But I have no way out. I can't imagine having my kids grow up with divorced parents, but I can't be in this toxic relationship anymore. My wife is an extremely abusive person who preys at my most troublesome feelings, gaslighting me into thinking that I'm the problem in the relationship. I often wish I had realized that she had BPD a couple of years ago, and I could have avoided this situation. She hates my friends, constantly makes fun of my family members (there would be a volcanic eruption if I did this to hers), and most importantly is someone I spend all of my time with that I feel completely uncomfortable being around. I need to look out for myself. In a perfect world, I would move back to be with my friends and family with my kids, and deservedly be with someone who won't treat me like a piece of human garbage. I'm an optimist and I always want things to work out; I'm hoping her seeing a therapist the last couple of months will help her get better, but there's been 0 progress. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't believe that my life, and my kids lives, have been overtaken by her BPD.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[mstnghu]

Welcome to the forum, jjj!

You're in good company. The situations you've encountered with your wife are very similar to mine. I can clearly remember the very first time I saw the "crazy" come out in my wife. There had been some initial red flags early on but the very first time she really lost it still sticks out in my mind clearly.

We had only been dating for a few months and went to the gym together for the first time. She went and did an aerobics class and I weightlifted. When I was finished with my workout, I could see through the windows into the aerobics room that her class was still going on. I decided to kill some time by doing some other exercises and ended up bumping into a couple of my coworkers who are brothers. We literally talked for maybe 5 minutes and out of nowhere my wife (girlfriend at the time) came up completely red in the face and looked like she was about to lose her mind. She angrily told me that she'd been looking all over the gym for me and demanded to know where I'd been. My coworkers looked at each other and I could see in their eyes that they recognized it was their cue to walk away. I said goodbye to them and as she and I walked out of the gym I asked her what the hell that was and she continued to berate me and go on and on about how I'd left her all alone and she had no idea where I was and how inconsiderate I was, etc.

That should've been my first real clue as to what I was dealing with. At the time, I'd never even heard of Borderline Personality Disorder and really had no personal experience in dealing with personality disorders in general. There have been PLENTY of similar experiences throughout our relationship, but that one stands out since it's the first one.

As of now, we've been married for over 11 years and I've currently separated from her and am living with my parents. I'm taking the situation one day at a time but have no intention of reconciling and moving back in at this point. I've reached my limit. We have a 9 year old son and I can completely relate to you that if it weren't for him, I'd 100% be gone by now.

[jjj5835]

Hi mstnghu -

Thanks so much for the response, and while I know there are tons of situations similar to mine out there, I haven't really been able to talk to anyone about this outside of my therapist. I'm really sorry for your situation but it sounds like you've taken the first necessary step by moving out.

Like you, I had no idea what BPD was. All I knew was that she had anxiety, and I attributed that anxiety to whatever situation was present while she was having an episode. I really wish I had researched her traits earlier.

That story that you told resonated with me so much that I could honestly feel my mental state escalating as I read it. There's no doubt in my mind that I've been in a situation almost identical to the one you described. It's one thing to have that reaction privately (which would still be completely unfair to you) but there's just something so horrific about other people being exposed to it. Sadly, almost all of my best friends have seen her explode on me right in front of them.

Anyway, I'm hoping that you continue to move forward with staying away from your wife. I'm sure by now you're being bombarded with horrible messages/calls that surely are attempts at reeling you back in.

[Happiness40]

It’s so so difficult to know what to do for the best in all this isn’t it?I mean they don’t choose to be like that so we have to have so much compassion for someone who can treat us with such callous. There’s only so much mentally we can all take and I feel so guilty about getting to the point where escape is my only place I’ll get some calm and peace. Keep your head above the water, keep yourself as mentally healthy as possible and things should become somewhat clearer. I don’t have any better advice I’ve been reading here for months and honestly I feel like we need a majors in psychology to understand it and even then I’m not sure we would. You need to remember you are the most important, you can’t save anyone unless you put the oxygen mask on 1st

[thankful person]

Hi I have no advice, just wanted to say that your story is remarkably similar to mine, other than the fact that I am a woman married to a woman with BPD. I left a 15 year relationship with a man I loved to be with her. I also moved back to my home country which I had left, to be with her. We have a 17 month old and one on the way, also together 7 years, married for 3. I joined the site today, you can probably see my post.
I have been bullied and controlled throughout our relationship. I don’t want to leave her but I don’t know how much more I can take. I do worry things would turn nasty with the children if we were to separate.

[tvda]

Even worse, the kids are often subject to her abusive tirades.

The one silver lining is that she is a great mother to the kids;

Something doesn't add up here. I am not highlighting this to harass you. I am pointing this out because what makes things difficult for a lot of us is a tendency to focus on the good and filter out the bad. It might make things easier for you to realise that she is not all that great with the kids either - as weird as that may sound.

[jjj5835]

Something doesn't add up here. I am not highlighting this to harass you. I am pointing this out because what makes things difficult for a lot of us is a tendency to focus on the good and filter out the bad. It might make things easier for you to realise that she is not all that great with the kids either - as weird as that may sound.

What I meant by this is that her tirades often come when the kids are present in the room or close by, which causes them to start crying. The tirades are not directed at the kids, and she has been a very caring mother for them. I would think, however, that hearing the screaming would have a pretty negative effect on them.

[Circle]

Hi jjj,
Sorry you are going through so much struggle.
Just wanted to let you know my take on divorce.
My parents divorced in 1978, when I was five.
They are such totally different people.
I am so thankful I grew up in two homes.
We had 50/50 joint custody.

I really got to see my mom develop into an amazing person.
Which I am quite sure wouldn't have happened if they stayed together.
Our relationship is still very close and strong.

Kids are very resilient.
I wouldn't worry about their ability to adapt.
If anything, it can teach them flexibility.
Flexibility which will come in handy as an adult.

One other interesting factor.
I took a developmental psychology course a few years back.
One thing I learned, is that men have a better than equal chance of controlling custody results.
Of course, you may have to use a lawyer.
The old idea that women can always win the kids is false.
Even so, for myself, joint custody was the best scenario.
I learned a lot from both environments.
You deserve happiness; why continue to suffer?
It is not healthy for the kids to see you suffer so much.
Best of luck to you!

[Thebottom10]

Hello,

I just made my first post to this site as well and came across your post and wanted to let you know I am in the exact same situation.  I feel like I am trapped with no way out.  I wish I had some great advice from you but all I can offer is support and let you know that some where out there there is a person going though the same thing.

My wife and I have been married for 5 years and been together for 8.  ( I just did my first post and you can read about in this forum).  We have 1 child who is 3 and the main reason I am still here day after day is for my child.  We had a great life while we were dating and after we were married had a good honeymoon phase, started having kids about year after we got married and that is when I started to really notice her BPD traits.  She has the same ones as your SO.  When she is triggered she becomes the most toxic person I have ever been around.  I have had things thrown at me, been hit ( just once), and been told 20 times that our marriage is not going to work and we need to divorce  only to have her come back the next day and tell me I am the love of her life ( love bombs) ..I can spend the next 10 pages telling you about all the incidents that have happened over the past could years but in the last 5 months I have gone from walking on eggshells to walking on land mines.  My wife got triggered and texted my mom and me on a text chain telling her how unsupportive she is ( she is very supportive) and proceeds to text 10 paragraphs basically saying that if we separate it’s all my families fault.  I am blamed for everything that is wrong in her life, she also blows up in front of our child which I do not like, she is good mom I know she loves our child and cares for her ) but with her,  things are either all good or all bad.  When I push back and am honest with her, she gaslights me all the time and threatens to kill herself, which i have now become insensitive  too ( can’t believe that happened ) but it really bothers me.  It got so bad that she was not invited to thanksgiving or the holidays and I had to go with my child and leave her at home.  Our friends do not want to hang out with her so I have been increasing isolated ( like you ) and have tried to do everything I can to make her happy.  I have asked her to seek counseling so she is seeing an astrologer/ therapist ( seriously) and there has been zero progress.  I have started seeing my own therapists last summer and it has really helped me.    I am scared whenever I come home and she is there, I never know who I am going to encounter.  Now she wants a 2nd child and I just can’t bring another child into this marriage. 

Just know that I am at a point where I know I can’t keep this up as it’s effecting  my health, not eating, anxiety etc, but reading your post gives me some comfort and hope so thank you and know that your not going through this alone. 

[jjj5835]

Hi Thebottom10 -

This one resonates with me the most out of anyone’s BPD story that I’ve seen so far. The walking on eggshells, being afraid to come home, being gaslighted, and at the same time they can be great mothers to kids.

That really sucks regarding the relationship with your mom and your wife. I think it’s part of who they are to be extremely abrasive towards their mother in laws on purpose as a sense of jealousy (wrongly of course) kicks in that you could possibly care about another woman more than her. My parents are coming to visit us and the kids this week and I had to re-educate my mom on the traits of BPD. I’ll be praying every night that hopefully my wife and mom can get through this visit unscathed but the odds are certainly stacked against me.

[Thebottom10]

Thanks JJJ5835

I really appreciate that.  I just found this forum and seen so many similar stories to my own.  I will be praying as well thst your visit goes well.  I have learned over the years to make sure that my family shows up on time and not early...then to make sure my wife knows who is coming and the time etc.  the reason I say that is that one time my family came 20 min early which triggered my wife into telling me that it’s OVER ...and that they are the worst people ever etc etc etc.  I have tried to put in boundaries when they come and give as much Information as I can to her.  It’s great that you have spoken with your moms hour it, I have done the same thing but everything eventually came to a head a few months ago which is something that I knew deep down was going to happen but did not think it would also be during the pandemic. 

I wish you the best of luck, I known what your going through with that. 

Also my wife would use the pandemic to say we should not see my parents or others while I need to go out see my friends and family.  She has gotten better as she probably got a little bored but I can sympathize with that. 

[Warriorprincess]

Hi JJJ,
I was just perusing the discussion topics and was drawn to your post because of the title. Although I don't remember the first time my wife lost it with me, I remember the moment when I felt so trapped that I believed I would never be free of the abuse, name-calling, hostility, etc. I was trying to get out of the house to gain some quiet as my wife and stepson screamed at each other. As I made a beeline for the door, she grabbed my arms and wouldn't let me go. I yelled in her face thinking she'd release me, but instead she slapped me across the face so hard that she bloodied my lip. I became quiet and felt completely trapped.

We were together for 6 1/2 years, married for 5. I stayed to be a buffer and support to my two stepsons, one with special needs and the other younger than 10. I finally left a month ago. I'm not telling you to leave - each situation and person is different. Either choice (to stay or to go) is so difficult and heart-wrenching. I feel terribly guilty and sad, especially because I know how much pain she is in. But I also know how hard I tried to help her get on a path to recovery from BPD, but her denial, gaslighting, and response to stress was just too strong.

This is a wonderful group of people who understand and will be here for you, no matter what happens. Sending hugs. 

Warriorprincess