Triggered 1 year post-break up from pwBPD

[Lightandshine]

I visit this board often as I work to move on from my last relationship. I've come such a long way in recovering from codependency. I long for me ex occasionally but i can usually move past it quickly by reminding myself of the full scope of the relationship, not just love bombs. I feel like I'm off the Rollercoaster for good even if I'm still glancing in that direction. But something happened recently that shook me.

Feeling confident in my recovering self, I decided to be open to new romantic possibilities at the beginning of the year. I met some one and we texted for a few weeks before we started seeing each other regularly- about once a week for a out a month. I liked spending time together but I started noticing a few red flags early on. I was worried though, because I wasn't sure if they were red flags or me sabotaging the relationship

1) best first date ever. A nice nature walk followed by cooking dinner together. The conversation flowed well and we made each other laugh. But how well it went made me feel like maybe it's the start of a trauma bond. And from what he told me about his upbringing and what I knew about mine, I suspected he may have codependency issues.
2) I thought I was nitpicking and looking to sabotage the relationship when I kept seeing signs of codependency. He made comments about playing a role to please his family and about his mom telling his ex "he's an alcoholic just like his father". I kept my guard up.
3) I kept things at a slow pace for my own good since I really jumped into things with my ex. He seemed fine with this but I always got the sense he was holding something back.

I was also going through alot just as we started seeing eachother - i had to put down my cat the same week my grandma passed away. Not to mention draining my savings trying to save my cat, all while remembering the 3 year anniversary of my fathers death. I retreated more into myself as this was happening. I was also terrified of being vulnerable so early and chose to share very limited details with him about what I was going through.

He was going through his own stuff too. And decided to take it out on me this past Sunday. He had been drinking and was upset about the amount of time and money he was spending on me without what he thought was an appropriate response from me. He was spending money he didn't have to please me and was upset when I didn't appear to appreciate it. Even though I had been contributing financially to these dates, he had been tallying how much each of us spent, and he spent more.

Let me back up for a sec...

Sunday morning he asked if we could see eachother. I told him I had book club but would be in touch in the evening if I could hang out. He said ok. After book club, my sister called me and was basically having a breakdown. I stayed on the phone until she was in a better place and decided to work out for 20 minutes to get my mind right.

When I picked up my phone to contact him, he had already sent me several texts about blocking me because "i suck" as a person and friend. I called him to talk about his feelings. I attempted to explain why I was so distant lately and immediately started apologizing. I shouldn't have. I dont know how long I was on the phone for. But after a while I caught myself dissociating as he attacked my character over the phone before I realized this was not my ex, I am no longer in that spot and I do not have to put up with that. I hung up. And he sent me more texts about being a very selfish person.

I haven't spoken to him since and dont plan to though he reached out to apologize over text. I feel
 good about that but the feeling of worthlessness that used to plague me during my relationship with ex pwBPD was triggered and lingers still. And when I see men talk about how much they love their wives and say nice things about them I start crying because I don't know if anyone will ever feel that way about me.

[Purplerain23]

I’m sorry dear ! This sounds very traumatic
! But I’m
Proud of you for getting out of this one quickly ! I think you are also right that you were possibly going through too much at the time to been dating at that moment. These are good lessons we all learn along the way . As far as the pain of seeing other woman being loved by good husbands I can honestly relate. I cried so much yesterday because I literally Have  a horror story when I was thinking I was headed towards a lifetime with the man of my dreams.   Now I wonder can I live myself and get so much joy and inner peace that things like that no longer sadden me . It’s too soon.. I think it will take me years and I’m okay with that. I feel like I’m a burn victim in the icu that I have been skinned alive. Truthfully it’s not safe or right for me to date now .

How did you determine it was the “ right time “ for you ?

[Lightandshine]

It is tough because I wasn't really dealing with as much when I started talking to this new guy and all the hard stuff kind of happened at once.

I thought I could be ready for dating because I was no longer as upset about my break up and eveything else in my life was going so well. I've been in therapy.im off my antidepressants.my career is starting to expand.It wasn't that I was searching for a relationship, more that I was open to the idea. I met this guy and thought hey, recovery also means learning to trust others again. But now im going to hold out a but longer...

[Cnvi]

I visit this board often as I work to move on from my last relationship. I've come such a long way in recovering from codependency.

As someone who's still very early into recovering from codependency and trying to get a better handle on it overall, if you have any books or other media you would recommend I would greatly appreciate it. I'm working through a few Melanie Beattie books right now but I'm trying to find stuff more current (2014+)

I long for me ex occasionally but i can usually move past it quickly by reminding myself of the full scope of the relationship, not just love bombs.

Guy Winch has a pretty good method that's helped me get out of those longing phases from his Ted Talk "How To Fix a Broken Heart", it starts around 7 minutes but I'll paste the transcript here.

Heartbreak will make those thoughts pop into your mind. And so to avoid idealizing, you have to balance them out by remembering their frown, not just their smile, how bad they made you feel, the fact that after the lovemaking, you got lost coming down the mountain, argued like crazy and didn't speak for two days. What I tell my patients is to compile an exhaustive list of all the ways the person was wrong for you, all the bad qualities, all the pet peeves, and then keep it on your phone. And once you have your list, you have to use it. When I hear even a hint of idealizing or the faintest whiff of nostalgia in a session, I go, "Phone, please."

---

In regards to your dating story, I'm very sorry that things ended up that way. Don't give yourself too hard of a time for not spotting those red flags or having doubt that it was you trying to self sabotage, usually people are pretty guarded and are trying to hide those flags with everything that they have, and you were aware that you might be overly looking for reasons to step back which I think is ultimately a good thing?

But A+ on realizing that you don't need to put up with that .

Let go of the lingering feelings from your old relationship, try and do something for yourself this weekend. Treat yourself somehow. There are 7.6 BILLION people on this planet, I guarantee there are a lot of prospects that will feel that way about you and say nice things about you.

[crushedagain]

I just wanted to say that as a man I have never talked to or treated a woman that way. Saying you "suck" and stuff? This guy is a loser. You can do much better than that. I'm sorry you had to deal with that, but at least you found out early what he is like.

[Lightandshine]

As someone who's still very early into recovering from codependency and trying to get a better handle on it overall, if you have any books or other media you would recommend I would greatly appreciate it. I'm working through a few Melanie Beattie books right now but I'm trying to find stuff more current (2014+)

Hi cnvi. Thank you for sharing that quote! It's gets easier with time. As for codependency resources. What's has helped me the most is
1) being vulnerable about my experiences when speaking to my friends. They have been so supportive through out this journey.
2) I attend codpendents anonymous meetings, and especially did during and at the beginning of the breakup. Step 1 and 2 were the hardest
 3) I follow dr Nicole LaPera aka the holistic psychologist. I've been consuming her content on Instagram, YouTube, and her website for a while now. She released her first book this week. She talks alot about keeping promises to yourself - the promise I've been keeping to myself is to not accept verbal abuse and keeping that promise is what ultimately led to me leaving my ex.

[once removed]

im of two (three?) minds here.

1. you sound hypervigilant, yes. i think that healthy dating is less about spotting red flags, and more about looking for someone with the qualities we want in a partner, and being the person that can attract them. i would consider the things that you describe on your first date very typical stuff you will encounter in the dating world. im usually loathe to use the term "red flag" because 90% of the things we are talking about are just information we can do what we want with; "i struggle in my interpersonal relationships" is normal (depending on the kind of struggle and the extent, may not be a match for us), "i shot my ex husband" is a red flag. dating is a delicate balance of being vulnerable, sharing things about ourselves, sharing those things we think may attract the other person, sharing things we think may test that persons attraction, and also identifying the things a person shares as something we dont want to dive deeper into.

2. it (being hypervigilant) happens, and i think weve all been through it, and reacclimating is a necessary part of the process. 100%, i did all the same stuff.

3. what you detail from this guy outside of the first date is pretty toxic! couples, and people who are newly dating, for sure have different philosophies over who pays for dates, how much, and those things may clash or not. but in these early stages, he gets drunk and tallies up how much hes spent and tells you you werent appreciative enough? he sends you a chain of texts telling you hes going to block you because you suck? girl please! this guy wears "toxic" on his sleeve! the polite version of ending this is something like "hey, thanks for taking me out, i had a good time, but i think we are looking for different things", and blocking his ass when the incessant texts come in. lots of people would be less polite, and that wouldnt be unreasonable.

3 1/2. its okay to be emotionally unavailable while dating. life happens. it will happen to the people you are dating. sometimes we meet a good person (not necessarily this time!) at the wrong time.