Sister preventing mother from getting support from me

[ShinyToothbrush]

Hello all,

My younger sister (40f) who lives a 5-hour drive from me (42f) has been using me as an emotional punchbag for the past few years.

Her latest thing is that she is not telling me any major news, and banning my mother from telling me too. Lately, she was in the hospital for 4 nights, and her husband's Grandfather died, and they kept the information from me. My mother let it slip accidentally about the hospital visit, and I found out about the Grandfather when I asked how he was doing. He had died a couple of weeks earlier.

If my sister and her husband choose not to tell me these things, then that's hurtful, but I can cope with it. The thing that worries me is that they prevented my mother from getting support from me. She was worried sick that my sister had cancer, and she couldn't call me for support, because my sister had banned her from speaking to me about it, claiming that 'it was her news', and therefore not my mother's business to tell me.

Their two kids must have thought that I didn't care about them either, because I didn't know what was going on, so I didn't offer to speak to them or get them on a Zoom call with their cousins. I love those kids to bits. They're amazing.

When my mother asked why they didn't want to tell me, they told that her 'they thought I wouldn't want to know, because I didn't give a _____ about them'. I tell you what though, it's very difficult to give a _____ about something you don't know about!

My sister has spent the past year and a half pushing all my boundaries and refusing to take no for an answer until I put things in place to enforce those boundaries (like blocking her). She's pushed me further and further away and hurt me so many times, but somehow, I'm the one that doesn't give a _____.

I'm so, so fed up with it all. I just want to be in a family where we listen to and respect each other, and we're polite and pleasant. I'm not asking for a lot, am I? Or am I?

[Methuen]

Hi Shinytoothbrus,
I am wondering if your mom lives with this sister in the sister’s house?  Or does she live independently near your sister?

What role does your mom play in the dynamics between you and your sister?

[ShinyToothbrush]

My sister moved to be very close to my mother and she resents the fact that I live far away. My mother is a recovering alcoholic, and has narcissistic traits and generalised anxiety disorder.

My mother and sister are enmeshed. They can't live without each other, and they live in each others pockets and see each other most days. My father recently went into a nursing home.

I was the golden child when I was growing up, but since having kids, I've become the scapegoat. My sister is now the golden child because she lives so close.

My mother is caught in the middle between us. It's an awful situation to be in for her. She's only 68 though, and she's perfectly healthy, so it's not like she needs looking after. Not really. She WANTS to be looked after but she doesn't NEED it...

[zachira]

You are in a really difficult position: doing your best to set healthy boundaries with your mother and sister, with your sister living closer to your mother and doing everything she can to control your mother, including not telling you about important family matters. This is all very hurtful and frustrating. In the years before my mother with BPD died, my brother with BPD and my sister with NPD who lived much closer to mom, did everything to keep me from seeing my mom, and after she died did not follow her will. I feel torn about what to tell you, as for your own well being, it is important to not be too emotionally involved with either your sister or mother, while you still want to be involved in family matters you care about. Is there a relative, family friend, or neighbor who might agree to tell you what is going on or would that just magnify the hurt of being left out? My aunt who helped me when I was in high school, by getting my father to pay some attention to me and stop putting my sister on a pedestal, recently died, and I was not informed, so though my challenges with my family are not exactly the same as yours, I think I understand the hurt of not being included in being informed about important family matters really feeling like a punch in the stomach. Do grieve how you feel about how you are being treated by both your mother and sister. You can only choose how you respond, and may or may not be able to do much about how they behave, though I would walk away from any conversation in which they try to justify mean disrespecful treatment of you.