First post: Boyfriend has BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all, this is my first post.

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for a little more than a year. He has a history of mental illness, including inpatient treatment at a facility several years ago. His intense mood swings and inability to control his emotions have been a consistent problem in our relationship. When we began dating, he told me he was bipolar, but would get upset when I suggested he seek help and potentially medication from a psychiatrist.

Yesterday, he told me he doesn't actually have bipolar disorder - he has BPD. To be honest, he fits the symptoms for BPD to a tee - much more so than he fits the symptoms of bipolar. His moods are wildly unstable, he has a paralyzing fear of abandonment, his relationships are intense, and he is extremely depressive. The term "BPD" doesn't scare me, but what does scare me is 1) That he lied to me for more than a year about his mental health, which impacts literally every aspect of his life, including our relationship, and 2) that he lashes out at me when I suggest he take additional steps (such as group therapy) in order to manage his BPD and improve his quality of life.

We are not married. We don't have children. We don't live together. That said, he consistently says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I love him, but thinking about a future together scares me. The emotional ups and downs are scary, and make him unstable. He talks about marriage and children, but I don't necessarily feel like I can rely on him to take care of himself, let alone a family. But his intense fear of abandonment also makes me terrified that if I end up needing to end our relationship, he'll harm himself.

I just wanted to reach out to see if other people have had similar experiences, and if so, how they have handled life with a partner with BPD. I care about him so much, but I'm worried that I simply don't have the wherewithal to support someone so unstable in the long term.

[pokeoutmyiris]

Hello all, this is my first post.

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for a little more than a year. He has a history of mental illness, including inpatient treatment at a facility several years ago. His intense mood swings and inability to control his emotions have been a consistent problem in our relationship. When we began dating, he told me he was bipolar, but would get upset when I suggested he seek help and potentially medication from a psychiatrist.

Yesterday, he told me he doesn't actually have bipolar disorder - he has BPD. To be honest, he fits the symptoms for BPD to a tee - much more so than he fits the symptoms of bipolar. His moods are wildly unstable, he has a paralyzing fear of abandonment, his relationships are intense, and he is extremely depressive. The term "BPD" doesn't scare me, but what does scare me is 1) That he lied to me for more than a year about his mental health, which impacts literally every aspect of his life, including our relationship, and 2) that he lashes out at me when I suggest he take additional steps (such as group therapy) in order to manage his BPD and improve his quality of life.

We are not married. We don't have children. We don't live together. That said, he consistently says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I love him, but thinking about a future together scares me. The emotional ups and downs are scary, and make him unstable. He talks about marriage and children, but I don't necessarily feel like I can rely on him to take care of himself, let alone a family. But his intense fear of abandonment also makes me terrified that if I end up needing to end our relationship, he'll harm himself.

I just wanted to reach out to see if other people have had similar experiences, and if so, how they have handled life with a partner with BPD. I care about him so much, but I'm worried that I simply don't have the wherewithal to support someone so unstable in the long term.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

You are wise to be mindful about getting more involved with someone with BPD. Since you aren’t living together, don’t have children together and are not married, you haven’t yet experienced the closeness that all those steps would bring, which would exacerbate his BPD issues, since BPD is a disorder of intimacy.

Already you have seen wild mood swings, paralyzing fear of abandonment, and extreme depression. Suggesting therapy has been met with resistance and that is very characteristic of BPD, due to sufferers feeling intense shame and self loathing.

Even if he were to participate in therapy, many people with BPD (pwBPD) quit abruptly due to unwillingness to examine painful issues. DBT therapy has proven successful for some, but only if the person is extremely motivated to stay the course.

Something else to consider is the potential genetic component that could result in children with a personality disorder. You already fear that he is unable to take care of himself. How will he handle the added stress of financially supporting children and dealing with all the issues that arise being a parent?

It’s good that you’re being very thoughtful about how this relationship might evolve. Here is an article that might help: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship