I finally called it quits with my husband wBPD 6 months ago. I waited until I was totally done and spent and I have no ideas of reconciliation. He refused to leave the family home as it is “his” apparently. I have offered him a very, very reasonable financial settlement as I just want out and can’t fathom selling the house with him. He has come out if very nicely. I moved into a furnished house with my 2 children and we are now going through the process of getting our stuff back. He has changed the locks and won’t let us in the house... He is still holding onto household belongings (ie kitchen stuff, dvds, linen etc) and saying I can have them when he is ready and he will decided what I get... I feel I should just give up and let him have this “control” but I also feel angry that I am being ripped off again and selling myself out again to avoid confrontation. Does anyone have a similar experience or advice? I just want to be done with him and for it all to be over…
Dear believer55, Great job getting you and your children out of that environment. I left my wife wBPD 1 month ago. So far I've packed up 3 carfulls of my stuff to take with me. I am worried about everything I left behind but plan to recover it all. My wife and I are in the process of mediation, which will be followed by divorce. You say you offered your husband a financial settlement - have you already given it to him? Have you filed for divorce? I hope you are keeping documentation of everything that has transpired between you both and any agreements you've reached. You'll need those later.
I think to some extent the spouse withoutBPD does have to make concessions in order to safely end the relationship - I was terrified on the day I left that she would catch wind of what I was doing and not let me leave (she has physically restrained me in the past and slapped me and bloodied my lip when I tried to escape). Once I was out of the house, I resolved not to return ever by myself, but only with somebody else with me, lest she try and trap me again. If I were in your situation, I would go to the police and tell them that I left my abusive spouse and now they will not let me in the house to get my things. I would ask for a police escort to do just that. Years ago I had a previous partner with BPD who wouldn't let me back in our apartment to get my things either. In that case, we had a mutual friend on the police force that physically restrained her while I took one hour to pack up and move my most essential things. Then I did let her pack up the rest of my things for me, as she wanted to, hoping I hadn't forgotten something important. The worst thing that happened is that she erased my computer. I was extremely upset at the time, but I learned from that mistake. This time I brought all my electronics the first time.
I don't know if this is helpful at all, but I think you should not take this treatment lying down, especially when you have been much more than accommodating up to this point. You left the house -> you offered him a settlement -> you rented a truck. Now he has to allow you to retrieve your things. If the police won't help you, I would get legal advice ASAP. I would also start making a list (and have your children make lists) of all the belongings that you haven't been able to retrieve yet, noting when things are valuable, precious, sentimental, etc. That way if he destroys or hides anything, you can demand compensation later.
Good luck!
-Warriorprincess
