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Author Topic: pwBPD rage, paranoia, jealousy, and impulsivity  (Read 581 times)
Kistra713

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
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« on: March 26, 2021, 09:02:07 AM »

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I've found some wonderful resources on here so far. I'm at a point where I just don't know how to deal with my partner's explosive outbursts and paranoia. The last few days have been bad, and frankly, I'm losing my patience with him.

Two days ago, he offered to pick me up from work, but we hit traffic on the way home. The whole way back, he was yelling about how he shouldn't have done this, I should have just taken the train, and when I agreed with him about how people were driving like jerks, he told me to stop talking and then turned the radio up. The cat started meowing at night, and it was my fault that I couldn't shut him up.

Yesterday, I was talking about my work and I said something that triggered him (he has a chronic medical condition, and I work with people with that same condition), and he was pouting and yelling all night.

-While I was making sides for dinner...why am I adding sugar, I know he's trying to lose weight and I'm sabotaging him. He never even ate it and just threw it away.
-He TOLD me he wanted salad so why did I not get any on my last grocery store run. He's home more often than I am so I don't understand why he can't get it himself when he's already out doing other things. But no, I can't tell him that because it will set off another bout of raging. That being said, I asked him for a grocery store list and he never told me salad.
-I keep talking about my work when I know it triggers him, so that means I don't give a s**t about him and don't care. I admitted that for his sake, I'll limit my work talk when I'm at home.
-Making those sides was going to take about 10 minutes longer than he thought - threw a fit and screamed that he didn't want to eat it anymore. Then told me afterward "thanks a lot, now I didn't get to eat any veggies today". Even though the veggie sides were on his plate and I took the sugar out of the recipe.
-He also randomly brought up that I hang out with other men at work, during my lunch breaks. "Go have lunch with whatever guy you're talking to". Even though I told him most my lunch breaks are spent at my desk, napping, taking a walk or working through lunch on busy days. He knows I went to lunch with a female coworker once and somehow he equated that to me having lunch with other men (?).

This then led to him storming into our bedroom, slamming the door loudly (which he often does when he storms off), and refusing to talk to me for a few hours.

Several times, he has threatened to break up or use the "so I guess we're not compatible then", and a few times I agreed with him. That just riled him up even more and he then did everything he could to keep me from leaving him. My phone goes off at night because my mom is up until 5am most days and will randomly text me and my brother. He's convinced that it's another guy and I'm hiding him using my mom's name (yes, he's SEEN the texts and read them).  Sometimes I get home late from seeing my mom, who I only see once every 1-2 weeks. He gets super paranoid thinking I'm sneaking off to meet other men. I share my GPS location, and my location is shared with him indefinitely. The false accusations don't stop.

The impulsivity is another thing. He does things based off how he feels that day, doesn't matter what plans we've made and who we're meeting. We can't even make plans in advance most times because he may refuse to go last minute, even if we have non-refundable tickets or we have friends coming to meet us from far away. I'm usually stuck with having to explain the situation. I never know what to expect from him, what mood he will be in, or if I'm getting Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde that day. His moods can change in a split second, from loving devoted boyfriend to acting like you're his worst enemy.

I definitely needed to vent, and I have no idea how else to deal with it at this point. We live together and still have a year left on our lease, which both our names are on. Any tips for dealing with rages and false accusations and paranoia? What do the rest of you do when this happens? Thanks!
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #1 on: March 26, 2021, 04:32:41 PM »

It’s understandable that you’re losing patience with him about his outbursts and paranoia. Something to consider is not refuting his jealous accusations. This is counterintuitive, as of course you don’t want him thinking that you’ve got some other guy you’re seeing. But weirdly enough, refuting accusations and providing evidence serves to make him even more insecure.

You often hear don’t JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) on this site. In a relationship with a healthy partner, these tendencies aren’t as toxic as they are with a BPD partner.  don’t JADE

Ideally, what you can do is to reassure him that he’s the only one for you, which may feel disingenuous if you’re on the fence about the relationship. People with BPD need a lot of validation and sometimes we don’t have a lot to give, after dealing with their troubling behaviors.

Keep reading here and keep posting.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Kistra713

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 29


« Reply #2 on: March 26, 2021, 08:24:54 PM »

Thank you, Cat Familiar! Your posts are always so spot-on. And thanks for explaining JADE, I've seen it thrown around here but never knew what it meant. I never thought that refuting and providing evidence could make the insecurity worse, but you're right. The more I defended myself and showed him proof, the worse it got.

My partner's paranoia got worse when a guy I used to date reached out on a new phone number after 2 years of no contact, but I shut it down and blocked his new number. Then, a now ex-male friend who had hit on me in the past, left me a message during my lunch break, a call I didn't pick up and it went to voicemail. I had him blocked afterward too. My partner didn't believe that I hadn't been talking to either of them, and to this day, continues to accuse me of talking to them, and other random men, while I've been with him.

He can be happy one moment and then get majorly paranoid an hour later, especially when he's been drinking. He'll take my phone and comb through it, and I feel like he's trying his hardest to catch me in something. Repeatedly ask me where I've been, most of the time yelling in my face. Repeatedly fire questions at me, wait for me to stumble over my words or stammer even in the slightest and then he will accuse me of lying. As you said, nothing I say or show him can convince him otherwise.

I sometimes do try to show him extra love, but when he's in those moods, he won't have it. He'll move away from me, tell me not to touch him, that I'm lying when I say he's the only one and that I love only him, because if I really did, I wouldn't be talking to other men and sneaking around - even though I'm not. This is where I get stuck. If I don't talk to him, he takes it as my admitting that he's right. If I defend myself and show him evidence, I'm lying and I'm hiding things. If I walk away, I'm running off to cry to my secret (nonexistent) other boyfriend.

Even after these moments pass, he will sit there and ruminate on it for the next few days and say he wants to leave me over something that he perceived.  

It's all just all too much to take and those moments seriously make me want to run away from him and leave him for good. I'm a patient person, but moments like this just wear me down more and more each time it happens. I just feel like no matter what I do, I can't win.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2021, 03:04:36 PM »

You’ve probably seen the term dysregulation on this site.

I copied this from a previous post where it was attributed to Wikipedia.
Emotional dysregulation (ED) is a term used in the mental health community to refer to an emotional response that is poorly modulated, and does not fall within the conventionally accepted range of emotive response. ED may be referred to as labile mood[1] or mood swings.

Possible manifestations of emotional dysregulation include angry outbursts or behavior outbursts such as destroying or throwing objects, aggression towards self or others, and threats to kill oneself. These variations usually occur in seconds to minutes or hours. Emotional dysregulation can lead to behavioral problems and can interfere with a person's social interactions and relationships at home, in school, or at place of employment.


When your boyfriend grabs your phone and scrolls through it, attempting to catch you in some nefarious behavior, this is an example of emotional dysregulation. In addition, it’s a violation of personal privacy and a behavior that violates societal norms.

At times of dysregulaton, nothing you can do will soothe his fears, placate him, or satisfy his upset mood. As you’ve seen, nothing works.

Best to build the relationship through more validation when he’s in a good mood. Otherwise you are rewarding bad behavior.

Have you broached the conversation that it’s inappropriate for him to look through your phone? Should you do that, you’ll probably get an outsized response, which is known as an extinction burst.  How to handle extinction bursts
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Oceanfish

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Relationship status: estranged
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« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2021, 03:50:10 PM »

Yikes. I am sorry you are living with so much stress. My concern is for you and the physical and neurological impact this is having on you. I could not live in that environment for long. With that said, I had no choice but to live with chaotic and abusive behavior for several years until I left. I managed by seeing a therapist to learn effective strategies. I also found meaningful activities that took me out of the house as much as possible.
Please take care of yourself first. Like being in a plane that loses cabin pressure, you have to put your mask on before you can help someone else. If you find that the situation is not tolerable until your lease is up, take a good look at what your options are so you can leave.
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Kistra713

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 29


« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2021, 11:36:16 AM »

You’ve probably seen the term dysregulation on this site.

I copied this from a previous post where it was attributed to Wikipedia.
Emotional dysregulation (ED) is a term used in the mental health community to refer to an emotional response that is poorly modulated, and does not fall within the conventionally accepted range of emotive response. ED may be referred to as labile mood[1] or mood swings.

Possible manifestations of emotional dysregulation include angry outbursts or behavior outbursts such as destroying or throwing objects, aggression towards self or others, and threats to kill oneself. These variations usually occur in seconds to minutes or hours. Emotional dysregulation can lead to behavioral problems and can interfere with a person's social interactions and relationships at home, in school, or at place of employment.


When your boyfriend grabs your phone and scrolls through it, attempting to catch you in some nefarious behavior, this is an example of emotional dysregulation. In addition, it’s a violation of personal privacy and a behavior that violates societal norms.

At times of dysregulaton, nothing you can do will soothe his fears, placate him, or satisfy his upset mood. As you’ve seen, nothing works.

Best to build the relationship through more validation when he’s in a good mood. Otherwise you are rewarding bad behavior.

Have you broached the conversation that it’s inappropriate for him to look through your phone? Should you do that, you’ll probably get an outsized response, which is known as an extinction burst.  How to handle extinction bursts


Cat Familiar, thank you as always. I definitely noticed this too, that nothing I do will soothe his fears. He's tunnel-visioned himself into believing that I have another man (or multiple men) waiting in the wings. I've also come to understand that there is no reasoning with him when he's in a paranoid state or in a rage. I'll definitely take that into account, building the relationship through validation when he's in a good mood.

I've spoken to him about just looking through my phone before, and his response was "if you have nothing to hide, what are you worried about." I know he will just see it as my hiding "other men" from him and that I'm "acting shady". He thinks that because I can look through his phone whenever I want (I don't), that he should be able to do the same.

The extinction burst is really interesting...it's hard to stand tall and maintain your boundaries when your partner is doing everything they can, upping the abuse, to stop you from doing so. 

I now realize why he doesn't spend too much time with his friends/family. He makes it a point to see them, but sporadically. Makes me wonder if its because they all know what he's like, or he doesn't want the mask to slip and he loses control in front of them. Though he has admitted to yelling at his friends/family before too.

Recently, I've started noticing a pattern of double standards. When he goes out with his friends, he can stay out as late as he wants and not talk to me the entire time he's out. Fine, I told him I don't care as long as he's safe and he lets me know what time he'll be home. Or if he will be late. He frequently shows up much later than expected. However, if I do the same, or even if I miss a phone call and call him back within 10 minutes, I'm obviously out cheating on him and meeting someone else. He got mad at me saying "If you can't handle me having a life without you, we shouldn't even be together!" Then went on to say I need my own life, why am I up his a** all the time, and I need to have my own friends/hobbies.

He said I was acting a certain way the last time he was out, and it was only because he came home drunk and I figured it was only a matter of time before he started getting paranoid about where I'd been that night (was with my mom and grandma), so I was bracing myself for that and watching his behavior. Luckily it never went that far, but that was because there was no more alcohol in the house for him to get more drunk and he actually went to bed at a decent hour, instead of staying up overthinking and then finding something to get mad at me about.

He conveniently left out that he isolated me from my two best girlfriends because he didn't like them and made it miserable for me to even talk to them in front of him (one didn't like him because she thought he was manipulative and controlling, and the other one made some poor life choices, but both have always been there for me), has tried to talk badly about my family, and essentially, had me get rid of all my male friends. When I brought this up, his response was that he never asked me to do any of that. Then some days he's super sweet and loving and all "I love you forever", and I hate not knowing that, if I go do my own thing, will I come home to Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde.
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Kistra713

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 29


« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2021, 12:58:23 PM »

Yikes. I am sorry you are living with so much stress. My concern is for you and the physical and neurological impact this is having on you. I could not live in that environment for long. With that said, I had no choice but to live with chaotic and abusive behavior for several years until I left. I managed by seeing a therapist to learn effective strategies. I also found meaningful activities that took me out of the house as much as possible.
Please take care of yourself first. Like being in a plane that loses cabin pressure, you have to put your mask on before you can help someone else. If you find that the situation is not tolerable until your lease is up, take a good look at what your options are so you can leave.

Thank you for your words! It's definitely tough and I 100% understand why you had to leave. If they are untreated, it definitely gets worse. I'm seeing a therapist as well, but I haven't been completely honest with her about his behavior until recently, so we'll see what she says. The tips on this forum have been immensely helpful, and while they don't decrease the amount of raging/paranoid/contradictions, it helps me cope with it better. I'm definitely a patient person and have been told I can be a martyr, but even I'm starting to lose patience when I get falsely accused and raged at and made to feel like everything is my fault.

Luckily my partner is starting to coach a sports team, so that will take him out of the house a few evenings a week, and will give me some breathing room and time for myself. The Mr. Hyde part of him makes me want to run as far away as possible and has me thinking of I want to deal with this the rest of my life. The Dr. Jekyll part of him so pleasant, so sweet and so fun that I can see myself being with him forever. But I know that's classic of BPD.
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