Pwbpd learning about bpd good or bad

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey guys i am wondering if it is a good idea to try to get my partner with bpd/bipolar too learn about bpd? He has been in therapy for two years. We are in break up mode, been here countless times in the last 21 years. If anybody has any thoughts on this please let me know. If a good idea,what videos would be good for him to watch?

[Betterlife2021]

Hey guys i am wondering if it is a good idea to try to get my partner with bpd/bipolar too learn about bpd? He has been in therapy for two years. We are in break up mode, been here countless times in the last 21 years. If anybody has any thoughts on this please let me know. If a good idea,what videos would be good for him to watch?

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[Cat Familiar]

Generally we tell our members to refrain from sharing their suspicions that their partners have BPD.

BPD is a shame based disorder and until recently the literature hasn’t been too promising about a “cure”. Even now, DBT seems to be the best hope for improvement and most therapists are not skilled in its practice.

Another issue is that when in therapy, there are steps the therapist takes. First is gaining the client’s trust. This may take a while. After that step, the therapist will try some gentle confrontation about thought patterns and behaviors. Often, at this point, the person with BPD will quit therapy because it’s too frightening to look within.

Here’s some good reading material on telling someone you think they have BPD

[Betterlife2021]

Cat Familiar,

He has been in therapy for two years. He trusts a really likes his therapist. He is fully aware that she has diagnosed him with bipolar and bpd. Asked him this morning if he had ever even read the symptoms of bpd he said no. I asked him if he would be willing to educate himself a little bit on bpd. He is out of the house now and is going to let me know when he gets back if he’s willing to do that.

[Diddle]

Betterlife2021

I approached my husband with my suspicions about his BPD last year, I had done a tonne of research and felt I was pretty certain. I tried to frame it in a helpful way, that it may help him to understand himself better. That there was a reason for his outbursts, other than him being an unkind person, and that if he understood himself and this disorder better, his awareness could change for the better.

He watched some useful YouTube videos and told me he did feel how the person described. But he easily switches back to denial, and that I'm calling him mental, which I have never done. I think I was naive to think he could process all this and make changes himself. I don't regret suggesting it, it confirmed to me and gave me the strength to suggest that a doctor would agree (which they did) but it made very little difference to my husband outwardly at all.
He has since admitted he hasn't done any further looking into it to try and help himself.

I don't really think you have anything to lose by suggesting it though. I found a Youtube channel by Dr Fox very positive and matter of fact about BPD. Not blaming or shaming in any way.

[Betterlife2021]

Diddle,

Thanks for the suggestion. I did find that YouTube channel definitely a good one. Lots of them are not very sensitive to the person with BPD. I do think he is getting closer to accepting his diagnosis. He did watch a couple videos on medline. One on symptoms and one on the breakdown of the family system. I think there were a lot of things in them he could not deny. Hopefully it will help him understand himself more. Luckily for me he has already been told by his therapist  that he has BPD/bipolar. I used the bipolar to get him there. So she was the one that had to break the news that she was adding BPD. That was about 1 1/2 years ago.

[JadedEmpath]

@Betterlife2021. I have heard more often than not that you shouldn't bring up BPD directly with someone who struggles with BPD. However, just in my experience alone, confronting my BPD other with the term for what he is doing when he is doing it, has been enormously beneficial to my own mental health. Like when he begins to say hateful things about me, one after another, and I realize he is "splitting", I will let him finish his train of thought and then firmly tell him something like  "I think right now you are splitting, and you are hurting my feelings. I care about your feelings and what you are upset about, but I won't continue this conversation while you are splitting". The first time I did that he asked me what splitting was (in an angry way of course) and I was able to explain the jist of that symptom of BPD. So now every time I call it out, there is a piece of him that questions himself. It has greatly reduced the length of time he spends in a negative split, too. It use to be that he couldn't say anything nice about me for days at a time, but now if I am able to catch him beginning to split early on, he is usually able to pull himself out of it that day.

If splitting is something he does often, you can ask him to say something he really loves about you or really admires in you during an argument where he is splitting (saying one awful thing about you right after the other), before you are willing to continue the conversation. For my s/o, the first time I did that it was a little bit of an awakening I think. He realized that he really couldn't. The act of actually trying to see the good and the bad in someone at the same time forces the BPD brain out  of "black and white thinking" (splitting) for that instant.

All that to say, its hard for them to use what they have heard or learned about the disorder, when the behavior is underway. If you have read a lot about BPD, it may be more helpful for you to "educate" in the moment. I think the most important thing is to always practice careful, respectful communication in those moments, and to have a lot of control over your own emotions in those moments.

[Betterlife2021]

JadedEmpath,

Thanks so much for the advice. I will try the education in the moment.That sounds like it could be very helpful. I definitely need to work on the communication. So easy to fall into J.A.D.E. when you feel attacked from every angle. He definitely splits often and with bipolar also sometimes that can last for weeks, if he is in the depression part of he cycle like he is now.  I also have some passive aggressive behaviors I need to work on. Like if he not being nice I may choose to not cook him dinner. He doesn’t know how to cook anything so that means he will have cereal for dinner. I found the skills and workshop board this weekend. I have been doing a lot of reading. Definitely helping me see the ways I am not helping the situation.

[JadedEmpath]

@Betterlife2021

YES! It is such a struggle not to fall into JADE during a rage. I get so irritated with myself when I dont catch whats going on fast enough and I waste energy and emotion on something that didnt matter in the first place. Its just frustrating. It sounds like you are in such a healthy place within yourself, though. I think its really great that you are going out of your way to find ways to help make it work. I think its admirable that you have been willing to give it a-go over and over again for 21 years, in spite of the communication and relationship barriers that BPD can pose.

Wishing you luck this next time around! ;)

[Betterlife2021]

Thanks I am doing so much better on my stuff 2 years having a therapist friend is what got me here. I still slide backwards at times. JADE was my life all day every day for a longtime. With all the things I’ve learned in therapy it is much easier to  ( put my big girl panties on) and go at it again. While at the same time realizing my part in what is going on.