New here - advice re ex BP & new partner

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I’m new here, so was going to scroll through other messages but looks like I need to post first.
I realised a few years ago my now ex is very likely BP/narcissist  and suddenly everything I went through made sense. We’ve been split now for 2 years but before that the ex cheated on me with someone who I think also has BP. They are a nightmare - now blaming me for the problems in their relationship even though I’ve been no contact for the most of 2 years. Even though I don’t respond they still harass me, trying to drag me into their lives.
Anyone dealt with something similar? Dealing with the ex was one thing but dealing with the two joined forces is difficult and I don’t understand why they won’t just focus on their lives and leave me be.

[Explorer2021]

I’m new here, so was going to scroll through other messages but looks like I need to post first.
I realised a few years ago my now ex is very likely BP/narcissist  and suddenly everything I went through made sense. We’ve been split now for 2 years but before that the ex cheated on me with someone who I think also has BP. They are a nightmare - now blaming me for the problems in their relationship even though I’ve been no contact for the most of 2 years. Even though I don’t respond they still harass me, trying to drag me into their lives.
Anyone dealt with something similar? Dealing with the ex was one thing but dealing with the two joined forces is difficult and I don’t understand why they won’t just focus on their lives and leave me be.

[Explorer2021]

Just for clarity - I have a protection order in place against ex and his partner due to their scarey behaviour towards me. I ended my 10 yr marriage as it was destructive and the “new partner” made it very clear she wasn’t going away. For months after I had ended it, he still contacted me crying, carrying on that the partner was dangerous and threatening him, asking me to help him get away. I’m not sure what is true but she’s threatened me too - I could never tell if she has BPD or my ex is winding her up.

Fast forward - 8 months into the PO and his partner has applied to court to have it removed against her. She writes about her affair with my ex and it’s pretty upsetting for me to read. I think that’s intentional as most of its not relevant and I didn’t need to know. She’s accusing me of being obsessed with my ex and he has joined in sending letters saying I am a bully and making up stories that never happened. I’m just shocked as he didn’t fight the divorce. They are saying my behaviour has broken them up - but I haven’t had contact now for almost 2 years. They both followed me to my hometown and are refusing to leave but I don’t see them. I have changed phone, email, address and quit social media, done everything I can to not have anything to do with them.
I just want them out of my life and I don’t want to engage in litigation. But I’m also not happy to have all these lies being said about me and being threatened by her lawyer. Part of me says to walk away but the other part says I need to fight this as it’s not right and I worry about what next.. already I’ve been threatened and they’ve used the police and courts against me

[livednlearned]

It sounds like you're doing everything right ...

Like a lot of high-conflict relationships, a lot is going on. To clarify, you mention not responding to them ... did you respond to them  2 years ago when you made the last contact to ask them to leave your hometown?

Based on this last court action, is there a possibility that the PO will be removed. Do you have an attorney looking over things with you?

Are there other specific ways they have used the police and courts against you?

What are the terms of the PO?

[Explorer2021]

Thanks Livednlearned! I’ve said no contact in the past but then gotten drawn back into his drama so ended up contacting him. But 2 years ago we had a huge row on the phone (he kept saying he wanted to come back but that he wouldn’t be ending things with this other girl). I said not happening and stuck to it. Since then there’s been attempts to draw me back in but I’ve not engaged - new social media profiles to contact me so I don’t have any accounts, contacting my old phone, emails etc but I don’t use any of those any more so don’t see them.

I do have an attorney and there is a possibility - my ex is more predictable and will come barrelling at me so PO against him will stand but his new partner hides behind him - sends nasty messages and emails from his accounts etc. it’s not clear whether it’s his behaviour driving it or she is also BPD. I suspect the latter because some of the stuff she’s done is terrible - it’s horrible that partners have affairs but I’ve never heard of the girl (in the affair) harassing the wife (who is married to the guy having the affair).

There are specific ways they use the system but I don’t want to be identified so will speak generally - as there’s two of them, they support each other’s stories and make it seem as though I won’t let him go. It’s mind blowing because there is no evidence - I’ve had no contact but they tell these stories as though they’re fact and surely no one lies to the police or the judge right?  I’m actually thankful for her in a sense because it meant I could leave and divorce him! She controls his movements and his accounts/phone meaning he can’t easily contact me without her knowing.

The PO means no contact in any form, can’t use friends and family to deliver messages/attack me and can’t come anywhere near me or has to leave if we’re in the same place (which thankfully hasn’t happened as I’m not sure how that would be enforced). I’m thankful that we don’t have kids involved. I just don’t understand this behaviour.

[ForeverDad]

It's been commented here that some people will seek ANY engagement, ANY feedback, even if it is negative engagement.

With some of these extreme and unrelenting matters, I wonder whether you should review the criteria or traits for Histrionic Personality Disorder, where they seek to be the center of attention no matter the cost.

One of the problems we all face is that most courts and many professionals decline to identify what's driving these behaviors and hence how to address them.  And none of them want us — who have lived through this all — to "Play Doctor".

[Explorer2021]

Thanks ForeverDad that’s helpful. I looked up histrionic pd as suggested - interesting, thanks it’s helpful to understand what might be going on.

I’m determined to move forward and get on with my life without being pulled back into the past.m. It’s retraumatising to keep being yanked into the past. each time there’s a different version/their stories or new “facts”. Each time it’s like - Wow did that really happen? Is that why...? It gets to a point where it’s just enough, it’s too painful and doesn’t have anything to do with my life now or where I’m heading. I’ll have to make a decision about whether or not to defend myself or just let it go next week. Guess you have to pick your battles.

Happy Easter folks