Why should we go no contact?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I haven't read through all the posts on this thread but just want to make a general comment.  It's against most recommended advice.  I have been involved with 4 women over the years that I am pretty sure had bpd traits.  In various types of relationships and various severity of symptoms.  One of them blocked and ghosted me completely when I went on an out of country work assignment, never to resume contact.  Another never blocked me but ghosted for a few months, and then resumed contact. A woman I have known at this time for about 6 months, mainly as friend but with some romantic feelings on both sides, is in the process of pulling back.  Don't know exactly what she is going to do in the future.  I have never blocked or ghosted any of them.  If they are not threatening or there are not potential legal issues, why should we go no contact?  Because we don't think we have the judgement or emotional intelligence to manage ourselves?  Why do to them what they do to us, especially when we know they have abandonment issues even if they've treated us horribly.  I think if the contact causes too many emotional problems for us then we should detach a little slowly and do so in a bland, limited response sort of way.

[Upandown]

I haven't read through all the posts on this thread but just want to make a general comment.  It's against most recommended advice.  I have been involved with 4 women over the years that I am pretty sure had bpd traits.  In various types of relationships and various severity of symptoms.  One of them blocked and ghosted me completely when I went on an out of country work assignment, never to resume contact.  Another never blocked me but ghosted for a few months, and then resumed contact. A woman I have known at this time for about 6 months, mainly as friend but with some romantic feelings on both sides, is in the process of pulling back.  Don't know exactly what she is going to do in the future.  I have never blocked or ghosted any of them.  If they are not threatening or there are not potential legal issues, why should we go no contact?  Because we don't think we have the judgement or emotional intelligence to manage ourselves?  Why do to them what they do to us, especially when we know they have abandonment issues even if they've treated us horribly.  I think if the contact causes too many emotional problems for us then we should detach a little slowly and do so in a bland, limited response sort of way.

[Skip]

I think if the contact causes too many emotional problems for us then we should detach a little slowly and do so in a bland, limited response sort of way.

I would recommend this, too.

Ghosting raising the emotional temperature to leaves the other person with in uncomfortable imbalance that they will seek to balance.

Drifting away, keeps the emotional temperature low and is often easier.

[Mr. Kelly]

I, too, I am struggling with the same question.

What is your goal in this relationship? Are you hoping to keep the relationship alive, or let it go?

[grumpydonut]

Some of these threads, where statements are posed as questions, are becoming a bit too prevalent, in my opinion.

The answer is two fold:

1 - Everyone on here is an individual, and there is no perfect rule.

2 - For those who struggle at setting boundaries and still in love with their abuser, no contact is a means to protect themselves from further manipulation when the BPD sufferer returns to use them once more (and anecdotal evidence tends to suggest that they often do).

We are humans. We are individuals. As such, there are no black and white rules when dealing with a BPD ex. But no contact is definitely an option that can help one detach and heal. As for what no contact may do to the abuser, I coldly say "who cares". Paying too much attention as to how our actions impact our abuser is exactly what enabled the abuse in the first instance.

[Cromwell]

my own experience is that I would have liked in hindsight to have tried to slowly drift away but to have had some support (such as here), therapist etc to help with the communication still taking place. I went complete no contact and did so at a low point and stuck to it. My issue was her communication just triggered off emotional reaction in me so great that it would wreck my day to the point where ghosting her was the better way. If you have the ability to slowly disengage and the support to help out id take that route.

[Giulietta]

2 - For those who struggle at setting boundaries and still in love with their abuser, no contact is a means to protect themselves from further manipulation when the BPD sufferer returns to use them once more (and anecdotal evidence tends to suggest that they often do).

Yes, exactly. See, in my case, I am absolutely NOT in love with this person, at least not in a romantic way. However, he can be extremely charismatic when he wants, and play the "best friend" role perfectly, the one that would do anything for you, and I, being a person with a certain degree of social anxiety, have some difficulty making new friends and naturally struggle to set boundaries. I have lost count of the number of times he ghosted me, argued for the silliest reasons, manipulated me, practised gaslighting, to the point where every time he abused our friendship, I was the one to end up apologizing, out of some inexplicable fear of losing this "amazing friendship". And he always comes back eventually with a "love bomb", demands all my attention, draining me emotionally and wasting all my energy, and it always ends in tears. I have tried everything, in the hopes of "saving" our friendship. When I do set boundaries, he simply does not respect them; when I try to "enforce" them, he gets mortally offended and there we go again... a fight, then he disappears for a while, then comes back. Blocking him completely is the only way to ensure that he won't get to abuse me again.

We are humans. We are individuals. As such, there are no black and white rules when dealing with a BPD ex. But no contact is definitely an option that can help one detach and heal. As for what no contact may do to the abuser, I coldly say "who cares". Paying too much attention as to how our actions impact our abuser is exactly what enabled the abuse in the first instance.

I completely agree with this. I've gotten to a point where things are so bad and I'm just so angry  and hurt (boy, do they know how to be hurtful!) that I simply don't care about his feelings anymore, I do not care if he lives or dies, and I know it sounds awful but that's the way I feel now. I've finally hit my limit. I have always cared and worried about his feelings, especially knowing how sensitive he was. And what have I gotten out of it? Abuse, hurt, debts and a lawsuit against me. No, thank you. Never again.

[Skip]

In an ideal world, we'd like to operate in the green zone, or temporarily go to red zone (6-8 weeks) and then later back to green. In some cases, these relationships reach a state where we can't.

Which best describes your approach to detachment? What is the most significant factor driving you to be in the mode that you are in? Note: the top of the graphic represents when you partner is ending things either directly or indirectly and the bottom is when we are.



I want to resuscitate = Partner has closed the door completely or for the most part or blown the relationship up. If I'm honest, I still have hopes to revive the relationship.

Do not resuscitate = Partner has closed the door completely or for the most part or blown the relationship up. I'm committed to not pursue and not try to revive the relationship no matter how hard that is for me.

Release with grace = I'm exiting the relationship and my partner wants me to stay at some level. I'm letting go with grace, compassion and dignity for everyone.  I can handle the limited communications needed to do this and I can keep them under control without revisiting the old relationship dramas. I am not too emotionally vulnerable to handle this.

No contact = I'm exiting the relationship and for now I need the avoidance/withdrawal of "no contact" because I am emotionally vulnerable (contact is hurtful and upsetting) or because I am angry or resentful (I'm getting even or making a statement).

In an ideal world, we'd like to operate in the green zone, or temporarily go to red zone (6-8 weeks) and then later back to green. In some cases, these relationships reach a state where we can't.

See list of all romantic relationship surveys