Feel like I’m going mad

[Depression = 72% of members]

Some days I feel like I’m going crazy...

I’m certain my sister has BpD but for 27 years I can’t understand why no drs have diagnosed her.
Her behaviour is destructive and destroyed our family. For the last 27 years she has tried various times to commit suicide, made up lies to split my family apart, even told my parents she had cancer. All of this has been for attention. I’ve grown up with every argument between my sister and I, my parents HAVE to side with her “because she know what’s she is like” , they are afraid of another suicide attempt. My mental health hasn’t been great lately and I thought I would understand more but I can’t forgive the bad behaviour over the years. The way she has treated my parents I can’t forgive. It’s frustrating that they still let her hurt them with no boundaries at all. I’ve been seeing a psych myself to deal with this for 7 years now but I still can’t move on. Her husband left her 18 months ago and she just couldn’t deal with anything on her own so again my parents dropped everything and are pandering to her cause she can’t do anything for herself. She is 48. She has 2 kids and I can already see the issues the poor kids are facing as a result of her turning the kids against her father. She is an expert in manipulating anyone to get them to believe the lies she dishes out. My brother wiped her years ago and for years she argued with my parents as I’m sure she was jealous of his success. So much so that when my mother stuck up for my brother in an argument one day, she treated my mother so badly. I can’t forget all the terrible things she has done but apparently the rest of my family can. She now has manipulated my brother and his wife and they are best friends again. She is currently in the psych ward and of course my parents have dropped everything to be there for her again... and now I’m the outsider. I just can’t forget the last 27 years. I understand mental health but there is so much bad behaviour, the lies, deceit etc that you can’t say it’s mental health can you?  It seems she is “getting better” and has her brother and his wife back, my parents and I’m the outsider... I’m the bad one... I cry most days, I cry cause I’m sick of being so sad, I’m sick of feeling so invisible. I can’t forget the past and it seems the only way I can move on is to completely shut off from my whole family and that hurts me... a lot but I can’t keep suffering in silence

[Whatisnormal]

Some days I feel like I’m going crazy...

I’m certain my sister has BpD but for 27 years I can’t understand why no drs have diagnosed her.
Her behaviour is destructive and destroyed our family. For the last 27 years she has tried various times to commit suicide, made up lies to split my family apart, even told my parents she had cancer. All of this has been for attention. I’ve grown up with every argument between my sister and I, my parents HAVE to side with her “because she know what’s she is like” , they are afraid of another suicide attempt. My mental health hasn’t been great lately and I thought I would understand more but I can’t forgive the bad behaviour over the years. The way she has treated my parents I can’t forgive. It’s frustrating that they still let her hurt them with no boundaries at all. I’ve been seeing a psych myself to deal with this for 7 years now but I still can’t move on. Her husband left her 18 months ago and she just couldn’t deal with anything on her own so again my parents dropped everything and are pandering to her cause she can’t do anything for herself. She is 48. She has 2 kids and I can already see the issues the poor kids are facing as a result of her turning the kids against her father. She is an expert in manipulating anyone to get them to believe the lies she dishes out. My brother wiped her years ago and for years she argued with my parents as I’m sure she was jealous of his success. So much so that when my mother stuck up for my brother in an argument one day, she treated my mother so badly. I can’t forget all the terrible things she has done but apparently the rest of my family can. She now has manipulated my brother and his wife and they are best friends again. She is currently in the psych ward and of course my parents have dropped everything to be there for her again... and now I’m the outsider. I just can’t forget the last 27 years. I understand mental health but there is so much bad behaviour, the lies, deceit etc that you can’t say it’s mental health can you?  It seems she is “getting better” and has her brother and his wife back, my parents and I’m the outsider... I’m the bad one... I cry most days, I cry cause I’m sick of being so sad, I’m sick of feeling so invisible. I can’t forget the past and it seems the only way I can move on is to completely shut off from my whole family and that hurts me... a lot but I can’t keep suffering in silence

[zachira]

You are not alone in feeling invisible, having a disturbed family member that gets all the attention, while you are made wrong if you bring your sister's problems to light. It seems that your family members don't get it that you need to be seen and heard like all people do, to feel cared for and loved. I have several family members from both the immediate and extended family who have BPD and NPD. In a healthy family, everyone is valued while being challenged to do better when they are behaving badly. There are many members on PSI who like you have been dealing with disordered family members for many years, and are here to listen and support you.  

[beatricex]

Hi Whatisnormal,
Your post really hit me hard.  I feel your crisis, it is one of familial identity, perhaps?  Also, you remind me of me some years ago.  I too sought therapy and my therapist said I had "adjustment disorder."  It's something to put down as a diagnosis to get insurance to pay for the couseling, I guess.  I'm still not sure what it means, but I was 100% certain and still am, that proved I am NOT going crazy.     Neither are you.  I am just trying to Adjust to some very Abnormal circumstances.  Like the chaos and craziness that is my family.

I think it bears repeating.  We are just adjusting to our very abnormal situation, and our reactions are completely normal, given our circumstances.  I mean, in a normal family, who gets ignored?  What sort of sick parent doles out love and attention based on the perceived threat level that one kid might commit suicide, but since the others fine...well, we can ignore her.  ugh

She is an expert in manipulating anyone to get them to believe the lies she dishes out.

Is she though?  I mean do they really believe her, or is she just an expert manipulator?  In my family, everyone converges on one opinion, my Mom's, and agrees with her slanderous lies so as not to be the next one to be slandered, I think.  I am the only one to actually call her out on anything, others just play the flying monkey role.  As far as my Mom's friends?  I actually think some of them stick around just to see how the story ends.  In therapy, my therapist worked with me to change the thought from "I am bad" to "I am brave, cause I'm the only one sticking up for what's right, and the only one to cross my Mom."

I am really sorry you are going through this, but you can make your own safe family, apart from your family of origin.  You can find another support system.  You have that ability, that freedom, that strength and that courage.  I know you can do it.  You came here afterall, and that is the first step toward help.  Hearing what others' have gone through, which is similiar to what you have, and knowing you'll be fine too.
 
b

[Methuen]

Hi WhatisNormal ("Win" )
It is sounding like you have lived in the background for decades, with your parents dedicating their time and energy to the daughter that demands it with bad behaviors and suicide attempts.  She tells lies to divide the family, in an attempt to manipulate others to support her, and draw attention away from others.  Her divisiveness has been so successful, you feel like the outsider in your own family, even though she is the lying one with dysfunctional behavior that causes hurt.  Others in the family seem to go along with it, which doubles the pain for you.

My situation is different, because I am an "only" which comes with a completely different set of problems with a uBPD mom.  

However, I think the common ground is that eventually, we all come to a place where we can't take it any more.  We have to accept the situation is what it is (but not agree with it), meaning we can't control or change other people who are unreasonable, irrational, or impaired in their thinking.  We can't fix them.  Meaning you can't fix or rescue your sister, or your parents for that matter.  It sounds like your parents don't have the skills to navigate your sister's personality disorder.  So maybe the hardest thing to do is let it go.  Don't try to make your parents see their own enabling behavior, because if they haven't figured it out after 27 years, hearing it from you again isn't going to make a difference. It would  be nice to wave a magic wand that would cure the distorted thinking of your sister, and that of everyone in the family she has trapped in her BPD web, but that's not going to happen.  So instead of wasting energy wanting something that can never be, put your energy into healing yourself.  

 

I’m the outsider... I’m the bad one... I cry most days, I cry cause I’m sick of being so sad, I’m sick of feeling so invisible. I can’t forget the past and it seems the only way I can move on is to completely shut off from my whole family and that hurts me... a lot but I can’t keep suffering in silence

My friend, you've been gaslighted.  You are not the bad one.  But your sister (aided by others in the family who don't have the skills to manage her behaviors) twists things and makes you feel bad, because she projects the bad feelings she has about herself onto you.  That's what borderlines do.  And they all do it.  So no, you are NOT the bad one.  It's good to be crying about it.  That's a super healthy sign.  A much scarier sign would be if you were not crying about it.  So go ahead and cry, for as long as it takes, because that is healthy.  

As for feeling invisible, my suggestion would be to cocoon yourself with positive people and influences in your life.  By this I simply mean, avoid spending time with the people who hurt and frustrate you (family), and spend time with people you like and enjoy (friends, coworkers - even if it's only at the water dispenser), and do things that make you feel better. The negativity of your family has worn you down now, but it can get better.  You could take a time out from your family (aka NC), tell your family you are not well, and need some time to get better.  Tell them you'll contact them when you're feeling better.  Don't tell them what's wrong.  Don't get sucked into spilling your guts, cs it'll backfire and they'll gaslight you again.  If they push your buttons, tell them "I have to go now". Just keep the message brief and super simple.  Then take as long as it takes, to start feeling yourself, and stronger again.  Avoid negative influences in your life which you are able to avoid, and just communicate and interact with people who are positive thinkers and doers, if you can.

Bubble baths, hobbies, nature walks, meditation, prayer, yoga, spa treatment, a pet?...be kind to yourself and do things that will help you heal and start feeling better again.  Be patient with yourself, and be kind to yourself.  Post here as often as is helpful.  We're here for you WiN.