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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: i can't move on  (Read 311 times)
Brokenlm

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Relationship status: broken up
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« on: April 07, 2021, 07:57:04 PM »

I was writing a text about the situation but i couldn't explain it well, so i will cut to the chase.

I. can't. move. on.

Like, it's been 7 months already, and nothing changed, i'm still depressed, angry, my libido is gone, lonely, paranoid that everyone is lying, i can't have feelings of joy, i can't enjoy anything anymore. I've already tried treatment, am still taking meds to depression, i exercise almost everyday, and it just doesn't get any better. It's constant suffering and agony that never goes away.
Everyday i think about it, everyday i get angry about what happened,and what didn't, and i just can't take it anymore.

Also everyday i think and plan a revenge, i can't stop thinking about it, she destroyed with my mental health, with me as a person, and she just doesn't care, she is living happy when i get panic attacks almost everyday,(also don't say she isn't really happy, i consider it as pure cope).

It's just not fair, why she can get away without any consequences and without feeling a single bit of guilt, when i've been in a living hell for 7 months already?

So i've been thinking that am going to commit suicide soon, and i will do something to her, maybe kill her too, i don't know, i just know that i NEED to do something as a revenge, something that will affect her for years or for life, i don't care about morals anymore, it just isn't fair.
What can you guy say to me? The no-revenge path and self improving is proven to be worthless to me , the pain is too bad, i honestly can't take it anymore, i am almost certain that getting my revenge will make me feel better, and it sucks, but i won't lie to myself anymore, I NEED IT.

Also, please don't keep saying that revenge will not bring me peace or happiness, it probably won't , but not getting a revenge didn't bring me peace, i don't care about being morally right anymore.
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B53
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« Reply #1 on: April 07, 2021, 08:30:08 PM »

BrokenIm,

PLEASE don’t do anything foolish! Let the kind people here, help get you through this. Give this group a chance! If you read some of the stories here, you will realize that you’re not alone! I know that you can’t feel it at the moment, but the best revenge is living a happy life without her. She has a mental illness and is doomed to a life of misery, you on the other hand can recover and move on and have a wonderful life. Don’t stoop to her level, she isn’t worth it!

I haven’t been here that long to give you the advice you need, but there are plenty of people here who can. It was only a few short months ago, that getting out of bed in the morning was painful. Now there are days that I feel hopeful and can laugh again. You can do it too, you’re worth it!!!

B53

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csquare319

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« Reply #2 on: April 07, 2021, 08:51:54 PM »

B53 is absolutely right, BrokenIm, rest in the knowledge that you are not alone in this fight. BPD is hell of a disease, and the person with it always leaves behind them a trail of tears, pain and broken hearts. It might sound like broken records to you right now, but there is hope to you, to all of us, if we can just stay a bit more patient, hang on for a little longer, and let time slowly heal all our wounds. My heart goes out to you, brother!
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LetsGetBetter

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Relationship status: Living together but unmarried
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« Reply #3 on: April 07, 2021, 09:02:48 PM »

Hey Brokenlm,

If you don't mind me asking, whereabouts are you located? Maybe we could band together and help find you a different mental health service since things haven't been working out so far. Also, have you actually made a plan for your suicide/revenge or is it just an idea? Why don't you tell us a little more about what got you to be feeling this way?

As the others say, it can be really hard to see how it's even possible to escape your depression when you are experiencing it. But I believe in you, so keep at it!
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csquare319

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« Reply #4 on: April 07, 2021, 09:04:11 PM »

BrokenIm, feel free if you want someone to talk to. I was in a similar situation last year and might be of help. I am free until 11pm EST and all day tomorrow.
« Last Edit: April 07, 2021, 09:12:08 PM by once removed, Reason: removed identifying information » Logged
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« Reply #5 on: April 07, 2021, 09:11:48 PM »

i had feelings of suicidal ideation at seven months myself. today, that breakup, the excruciating time i went through, is ancient history.

it does get better. having a support group like this will help. it did for me.

i know that my breakup really brought my life to a really lonely and isolating standstill. it does take time to make progress - to rebuild a new life.

as LetsGetBetter said, it really helps to talk. we are here to listen to what happened - this blow that has you in a bad way - and help.
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« Reply #6 on: April 07, 2021, 09:26:21 PM »

Hi. I'm glad you are here. Thank you for opening up and sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. We're here to listen.

Are there any trusted people in your life that you can talk to; family, friends, or a therapist or counselor?

In addition to this support group, if you do not feel that there is a person you can safely share your thoughts with in real life, there are a couple of resources available 24/7. One is the National Suicide Prevention hotline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and the text crisis line (text HOME to 741741)
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"Out beyond ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing there is a field. I'll meet you there." ~Rumi
Brokenlm

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
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« Reply #7 on: April 07, 2021, 10:15:34 PM »

It's hard even to relate to people from this forum, because almost everyone got to """""""enjoy"""""" the idealization phase, and i didn't, we met online and by the time we met in person, she was already treating me pretty badly. She kinda always treated me like garbage, and i was so inexperient with relationships (it was my first), that i coundn't understand what was going on. Also, am not a happy person, neither a successful person, i never was, i have dysthymia, and after all this, i've became even more miserable. I was depressed and already had my fair bit of problems before her, now it's much worse, since i've lost my mental stability.
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« Reply #8 on: April 07, 2021, 11:02:35 PM »

if it helps, im a humble card carrier of "the first three months of my relationship were a nightmare".

seriously though, what happened after you met in person?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Brokenlm

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Relationship status: broken up
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« Reply #9 on: April 07, 2021, 11:08:21 PM »

And to make things even more painful to me, she lied about never dating and having sexual interactions before, and i was the kind of guy that "wait for the right person", i was waiting someone with the same mindset and goals as me, and she lied sooo much about it, she basically became a projection of what i wanted, she lied about amost everything imaginable just to have my interest. And i ALWAYS made clear that these things are very important to me, a "must have".

We were in a long distance relationship, i was always, ALWAYS frustrated with the fact that i could only see her after some weeks, i was so emotionally and sexually frustrated by not having my loved one with me that it's unreal, but i endured it because i was so much in love with her, we were supposed to marry, after all "she was the right person" that i've waited soo long to met, and i was thinking that she was having the same situation as me.

But then i discovered some of her lies (i'm certain that even to this date she lies to me), and i just broke down, what i can say is, her exes boyfriends, the ones that weren't supposed to exist, got to enjoy months of idealization, so they had everything that i never had, and always were incredibly frustrated about, they had everything that i wanted from her, and i had almost nothing, and they didn't even had to do nothing for her basically(and to crush my soul even more, i have a lot of reasons to think that she cheated on me, but i know she would never admit it)

I just can't deal with this, man, i think every person has things that affect them and what doesn't, some people got affected by things that i couldn't care less, and i already came to understand that these things may not be such a big deal to others, but for me, it's just my worse nightmare.

All the time, love and care that i gave her, the patience, the money that i spent with the travels, with gifts, the stress that she gave me by breaking up with me so many times all of a sudden, by treatning suicide, by trying suicide, all this stress even made me lose my hair, i went through all this hell, just to lose my sanity, my relationship goals, my pride, my honor, and didn't even got to experience what her other exes did, and all this just won't get out of my mind.

You can "blame" my inexperience by being so naive, not noticing the redflags, the patterns, but what could i do? It was my first ever relationship, i was blinded by love, and i thought she was acting like that out of inexperience.

TLDR: She had to lie to me to have my interest, acted upon those lies and used those lies to manipulate me just to treat me like a worthless person and never offer me any kind of love and care.
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Brokenlm

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
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« Reply #10 on: April 07, 2021, 11:22:16 PM »

Just one more thing before i take a break, i'm in a constant, never ending state of crushing sadness, depression and hopelessness, and like i said, i already had dysthymia, but i could sometimes have happy moments, laugh, be productive, i could enjoy living sometimes, but now i just can't, i don't remember the last time i felt a positive feeling, the last time i had will to live, it's just darkness and sometimes i remember all this and i get very angry, that's when i think a lot more about vengeance.
I'm unable to accept it and move on, it's also not fair.
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csquare319

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« Reply #11 on: April 08, 2021, 07:00:01 AM »

It's hard even to relate to people from this forum, because almost everyone got to """""""enjoy"""""" the idealization phase, and i didn't

The idealization phase is like a drug induced high, it's short, intense, and euphoric, but like a drug high, it's also not real. It's at best a false projection from someone suffering a serious mental disease, i.e. BPD. Instead feeling missed out, you might want to consider it as dodging one of the deadly bullets from a pwBPD, as many of us got stuck long after the relationship is over, yearning to relive that initial lie. Many spend years chasing that mirage.

I suggest that you watch A.J. Mahari's videos on youtube. She is a recovered pwBPD who is also a clinician. During my darkest days, I had always found her insightful videos comforting and reassuring.

Don't give up, keep up the good fight, brother!
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Cromwell
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« Reply #12 on: April 08, 2021, 07:14:39 AM »

Welcome Brokenim

The anger is part of the recovery, its a good sign that you are able to express it. It took me about 5 months until it started, and similarly I had still a backdrop of depression to deal with. So I understand these days where it gets difficult.

the revenge feelings are also positive, they give a relief via shadenfreude. Its just thoughts that exist at a time we feel very much down and feeling of being wronged and victimised. Its part of the process, so well done.

1 year for me no contact was a special moment, it was very much different than month 7, a lot can happen in a short time. I believe you might be on the cusp of a levelling up of progress.

thanks for sharing and possibly also consider to maybe alter the exercise, make it lighter or take a break. with the antidepressants, its just a case of luck that the type given will work, its common to have to try and change, the results can be very dramatic from just switching from one type to another.

7 months - give yourself a pat on the back. some days will still be a challenge, but overall it will get easier as you pick up new confidence and skills on the journey.

Brush the "it will always be like this" away, because that is depression talking. it is not fact it is a temporary illussion.

Yes, it was unfair to go through, was not a nice experience I can relate to that. Took a bit of time to accept but that happened eventually. none of this is easy but it does get easier, if that makes sense.

Thanks for sharing and we are all here for you

Cromwell
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cash05458
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« Reply #13 on: April 08, 2021, 03:52:46 PM »

Broken...I am going to wade into the water here about this...you say: "She kinda always treated me like garbage...."

Ok then...this isnt about anyone "getting away" with anything...it's sick people...and no, I don't have much sympathy for them either...it isn't about morality...it's about things wrong in their programming...period.

So she treated you like garbage from day one...yet you were there...

I don't know how old you are B. but "justice" does not exist in many places in life...get over it and man up a bit...talking about killing her and yourself?

You say you don't care about morals at this point...morals had nothing to do with any of this...yet you are talking about very immoral acts if serious...

Folks are here on this forum to give good advice...we have all been thru what we felt was unfair...life is unfair my friend...you didn't yet get that memo?

Try to put what you are feeling a bit on hold...use reason...this was temporary...should you ever want to talk, let me know...will gladly talk...

Life...mostly, isnt a big a## hallmark card cliche...but it will get better and have its highs...and believe me, the few highs destroy the lows if you let them...but stop feeling so very sorry for yourself...and again, grow a set...the hell with her my friend...my guess is you are far better...
« Last Edit: April 08, 2021, 03:59:19 PM by cash05458 » Logged
Brokenlm

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Relationship status: broken up
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« Reply #14 on: April 08, 2021, 06:01:24 PM »

morals had nothing to do with any of this...yet you are talking about very immoral acts if serious
Man, this doesn't make sense, you said that i'm talking about "very immoral acts", that's what i said, i know it's immoral, but i don't care.

Also, it wasn't from day one the bad treatment, she was another person during the first 2-4 weeks, and we "connected" very fast cuz of her lies.

"life is unfair my friend...you didn't yet get that memo?"
yea i did, but if i'm about to suicide, why not make my own justice against someone that damaged me so much?

"get over it and man up a bit...talking about killing her and yourself?"
well, i coudn't "man up" and if you never considered suicide, i'm happy for you, but i already have in some pretty bad periods of my life.

"yet you didn't leave her" well i was so blind by love that i couldn't, i didn't know nothing about bpd before, it also was my first relationship, a very late first relationship.

"but it will get better and have its highs...and believe me, the few highs destroy the lows if you let them...but stop feeling so very sorry for yourself...and again, grow a set...the hell with her my friend...my guess is you are far better..."
I've been told this lie for too long, it doesn't get any better, regardless of what i do. And honestly, i almost told you to PLEASE READ off by reading "grow a set...", but i know you just wanted to help, thanks anyway.
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B53
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« Reply #15 on: April 08, 2021, 07:10:57 PM »

BrokenIm,
Go back and read Cash’s original posts, he knows what you’re going through. His is one of the saddest stories I had read. He has done an AMAZING job with recovery. Cash is one of my heroes! He is an inspiration for a lot of us! It may not seem like it, but he cares and is trying to help you. Give him a chance.
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« Reply #16 on: April 08, 2021, 08:37:44 PM »

i think it can create false expectations to say "i should be feeling better" or to say "if i do this, i will/should be better". it leads to frustration, judgment, hopelessness.

for sure, we can do things that make things better or worse, but in general, grief just doesnt really work that way. my own breakup was one of the hardest times of my entire life. the sooner i accepted that, without judging myself, the easier it got.

because the pain wont last forever. it never does. if you sat in a room doing absolutely nothing, eventually, the pain will dull on its own. it will get better, and life will go on.

what it sounds like you havent had in this time is real support. there are people here who get it, who care, and can help.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Skip
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« Reply #17 on: April 10, 2021, 05:05:57 AM »

Like, it's been 7 months already, and nothing changed, i'm still depressed, angry, my libido is gone, lonely, paranoid that everyone is lying, i can't have feelings of joy, i can't enjoy anything anymore.

Many of us suffered as you have for 7, 12, 24 months. Many have struggled with anxiety or symptoms of PTSD. Many have contemplated suicide.This is not unusual when there is a deep emotional wound.

Deep emotional pain is a devastating dark cloud. It's a struggle to navigate through it.

You are doing a lot of the right things. Professional therapy. Exercise. Joining a support group (us). I get the frustration with the limited improvement.

There are also some mitigating factors that make this harder for you than it would normally be. CoViD-19 is raging in your city. Dysthymia is a challenging condition that is weighing on you.

You may want to keep pushing through and allow this a little more time for recovery. Pushing through the valleys is the hardest part. For me, it was the terrifying dreams.

What has happened recently that made you feel worse?

Skip

PS: Broken, I was, too.



« Last Edit: April 10, 2021, 05:13:15 AM by Skip » Logged

 
Purplerain23

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« Reply #18 on: April 10, 2021, 12:18:44 PM »

The Best Revenge ever is to eventually live a successful life in Recovery. That’s the ultimate revenge to get better and be well , whole healed and free

I can sympathize going through a BPD relationship when already struggling with Depression. It very well near killed me after almost 3 years... but it has helped me learn about what boundaries really are and dedicate my life to caring for myself better then I opened myself up to someone to care for me. This revealed that I allowed to much power for someone to dictate my self worth and I let their sickness ruin my opportunites , self esteem, lost friends , everything I found the only way out is through the grief and taking one day at a time to recover . I attend coda go to therapy write on this board educated myself about healthy relationships and watch my ruminating. Rumination and what we think about lead the way to our feelings and ultimately our behaviors. If you are struggling too bad my friend consider hospitalization. One thing I learned from my Ex he didn’t take his mental illness seriously enough to get help and treatment. I don’t want to be like him. I swallowed  my pride and through away my victimization snd was determine to get better. Grief and all tears and all.... I refuse to be a casualty to someone else’s lack of wholeness. Keep reading the boards and “borrow “ the strength until you have your own. You are not alone . I will be praying for you and believing that you won’t let this darkness take you in . I’m proud that you got out in 7 months I wish I had been that strong to let it go sooner.. but as others have said we live and learn Smiling (click to insert in post)
« Last Edit: April 10, 2021, 12:26:35 PM by Purplerain23 » Logged
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« Reply #19 on: April 13, 2021, 12:05:06 AM »

My friend, I was an absolute wreck after mine left me. I was waking up in a cold sweat with night terrors, jumping out of bed and grabbing hold of the wall as I gasped for breath. The woman who had slept in my bed for over 2 years and told me I was the perfect man and that she would be with me forever turned out to be a fraud. It ruined me.

Do you want to know the ugly truth? At one point I ended up in the emergency room in a panic attack with such intense gastrointestinal pains that I thought I was going to die. My whole digestive system and health went downhill. Mentally I was a basket case. I lost a ton of weight and muscle. I could barely take care of my dog and myself. It took every ounce of strength I had to go outside of my house.

Guess what? I made it through. I've actually been very productive these last few years. Looking back I'd say it took me 6 months to get through the worst of it. After that, I slowly emerged from the fog. I still think about her and the relationship from time to time, and I'll never quite understand the level of cruelty, but that's because I'm not one of them.

Do yourself a favor and respect yourself and don't hurt yourself. Instead, be kind to yourself and try to heal. And don't hurt her. That is wrong on so many levels. You can move on and find somebody much better. It sounds like you're very young. You have your whole life ahead of you.



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