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Author Topic: Critical Relapse  (Read 404 times)
flare1

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 22


« on: April 10, 2021, 08:01:03 PM »

I've been broken up with my bpd gf for over 2 years now.  I was with her off and on for about 3 years and [insert typical bpd relationship arc here].  After about a year a was completely over her, I was me again and felt great.  So for those that are recovering it does get better and you will be amazed how you feel.  As for where I'm at now, DO NOT do what I did.  

Almost exactly 1 year ago she started contacting me.  I was ok with it because I had no feelings.  I decided to meet up with her last July for a walk where she told me that she broke up with her new boyfriend, who actually she was engaged to, so we can say fiance.  According to her he told her on the 2nd date he loved her...how sweet.  For those of you that have seen their bpd ex when they're not romantically with you is an interesting experience.  You actually see the real them since you're not the object of their energy anymore.  She was so caught up in her failed engagement that my interaction with her was as normal as sunday brunch. It actually was pleaseant.  

Well after that of course, they got back together, then were off and then on and then off, on off on off on on on off off.  I kept getting periodic texts of her saying they were done only to be ghosted for weeks at a time.  At this point though I have NO FEELING for her, I didnt care.  I would just respond, "ok sorry to hear that" So now...this is where I f'd up and I don't know what happened...Over the past few weeks, the calls and texts starting coming in hard and fast with her semi-love bombing me and I started meeting up with her more and then it got physically romantic to a degree.  Keep in mind shes still involved with her ex fiance. According to her, he said he wants to see other people, said he doesnt lover her.  All while they play husband and wife every other week when they don't have their kids.  Ya know, I don't know this guy but he essentially is using her, he gets all of the benefits of a relationship without any of the commitment, and shes allowing it.  I'm not sure what it exactly going on with her situation but it has made some kind of dramatic change recently due to her behavior with me. I'm not strong enough to cut her off, sorry in advance.

So I thought I was detached from this but I dreamed about her and cried in my dream and I woke up and was crying in real life because my pillow was soaked and my eyes were wet.  After that I am in a nice slow burning pain in the middle of a ghost session since she invited me to go hiking this weekend but she decided to play husband wife again with her ex.  Ok people, this is why you NC and stick to it.  Im not looking for words of encouragement, I just need someone to explain where am I in the cycle of things?  I don't even know what I want at this point.  Thanks.  

 
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csquare319
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 54


« Reply #1 on: April 10, 2021, 09:14:21 PM »

Like your title aptly puts it, it's a critical relapse, and you gotta really stay NC to get her out of your life again. My personal experience is that every relapse is more painful than the previous. Be strong, man, and recognize who she truly is underneath. Fight like your life and soul depend on it, because in many ways, they do.

Thank you for this post, a very timely warning to my situation as well. Many times relapses don't occur in one day, but through a slow process, boiling of the frog alive metaphor comes to mind. I'll be praying for you.
« Last Edit: April 10, 2021, 09:28:11 PM by csquare319 » Logged
flare1

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 22


« Reply #2 on: April 10, 2021, 10:10:38 PM »

Thanks csquare, this is what I needed to hear.  It's going to be hard because I care for her so much but I know where this road leads and my heart cannot take another inevitable rupture.  I know it is the right thing to do.
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csquare319
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 54


« Reply #3 on: April 11, 2021, 07:52:52 AM »

Ya know, I don't know this guy but he essentially is using her, he gets all of the benefits of a relationship without any of the commitment, and shes allowing it.  

yes, caring is both our greatest strength when interacting with others, as well as our greatest weakness when being exploited by pwBPD, whether intentionally or not. The quote above immediately struck me that it's from someone who is re-attached to the pwBPD, for you seem to care more about her interest and well-being than those of your own. Feel free to reach out for help in the coming months of NC, to family/friends, therapy, this board ... etc. I know you'll make it, like you did the first time Way to go! (click to insert in post)
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B53
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 326


« Reply #4 on: April 11, 2021, 10:05:46 AM »

The longer you stay, the harder it will be. You have been with her before and you know how it’s going to turn. Out. Take care of yourself!
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flare1

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 22


« Reply #5 on: April 11, 2021, 01:38:15 PM »

The longer you stay, the harder it will be. You have been with her before and you know how it’s going to turn. Out. Take care of yourself!

Wise words.  Let this be a warning to others.  I thought I "beat" this and I got overconfident that I wouldn't be affected by her whims.  Sadly I have and I'm trying to get rid of any hope that things would be different.  You know, even as her friend, if you could call it that, I don't even get common courtesy, like a text ...hey I'm busy this weekend lets catch up next week...You get nothing while they have their supply.  The other thing I thought about and I tried to look back at my experience with her.  How long can you keep the dance going.  Meaning, once you get into the toxic cycle, in and out, breakup makeup, when does it eventually end.  I feel like it can theoretically go on forever.  But in reality, one either gets burned out or some unforgivable event happens.  They've been in the cycle for at least a year.  I hate that I'm even wondering this.
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Cromwell
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2212


« Reply #6 on: April 11, 2021, 01:54:05 PM »

flare1 its good that you are, you are doing a lot of insightful reflections. We only get to learn via actually trying and seeing how things work out.

In similar situation of being "friends" after 9 months apart, it was a so-so, by that point she had reconfigured her supply network and after all, id eventually shown myself as unreliable. previously 4 weeks was the longest apart and I did go back, 9 months obviously shows that im not so controllable and needy. So I did get some texts here and there, but I suspected they were the moments where all else were busy or perhaps she just wanted to keep me on a hook in the background.

that lasted just over 2 weeks and armed with what id learned in those 9 months here and elsewhere changed my mindset, I really felt like this "Object" id studied, and a form of resource. It was enough for me to realise I wasnt happy being "friends" either, so difficult as it was emotionally, I just closed that down as well.

In the long term these moments help, at the time it is different. Thanks for sharing and dont hate yourself for having "thoughts" they are just that, its up to us how much emotive strength we allocate them. Your doing great, keep going.

Crom
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Lucky Jim
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211


« Reply #7 on: April 12, 2021, 10:48:28 AM »

Hey flare1, A BPD r/s is akin to an addiction in the sense that we know it's bad for us, yet we still want to participate in it, which is why so many of us (including me) have recycled, only to wind up in the same place further down the line, except with more pain.  You seem self-aware enough to recognize the cycle. 

One reason I think some of us stay in BPD relationships is because we lack self-love and self-acceptance.  Now I strive to love myself enough that I will never again be the object of anyone's abuse.  That's my boundary.  It sounds easy, but is actually pretty hard for us Nons. 

LJ
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
flare1

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 22


« Reply #8 on: April 12, 2021, 06:56:24 PM »

Thanks for sharing and dont hate yourself for having "thoughts" they are just that, its up to us how much emotive strength we allocate them. Your doing great, keep going.

Thanks for this.  I'm doing somewhat better, but day by day.  I've allowed myself to be taken advantage of and I'm not even in a relationship with her any more.  I had her naked on her couch last week and she spends this past weekend with her make believe husband.  Not proud of that by the way.

For those reading this, so I can give back, Ive seen threads on here about staying friends with their pwBPD, and it seems to be popular topic on a sub reddit as well.  My experience so far is that if she/he is with another person, that may shield you from the rage and tantrums but you will be used and abused all the same and they won't even try to hide it, they will just assume you'll take it.  I regret breaking NC and seeing her.  The only positive I can muster is that they will not put up any sort of fake persona or behavior and youll see how they really are. Its a (ugly) side that you don't want to see but gave me another data point to know where the road leads...nowhere good 

Thanks to those who commented on here I'm not going to respond on this thread any more but I will try and give any insights into other posts where I feel I can contribute. 
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crushedagain
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Posts: 300


« Reply #9 on: April 12, 2021, 11:43:40 PM »

Just reading the first post hurt as I was imagining going through that with my BPD ex. It's too painful. It's like being with somebody you can't have. That's how I felt at the end of my relationship. I know that I can never let her back in. Ever.
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Giulietta

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 27



« Reply #10 on: April 15, 2021, 03:05:19 PM »

This is what happened to me. I managed to have a relatively stress-free breakup with my BPD friend, managed to stick to NC for 4 years, then three months ago he came with a sad story about how much he had suffered and asked for my forgiveness, and here I am now, on this board, trying to get over the latest piece of drama while I'm being slandered on his social media. At least the only feeling I have left at this point is contempt. Saying that I regret ever having talked to him again is an understatement. Never again.
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