Baby on the Way

[ThanksForPlaying]

uBPDgf is 8 weeks pregnant.  This will be my first child, while she has a 13yo son.  Things have been extremely rocky lately with S13 custody situation.  He's at the age where he is individuating, and she cannot accept that and blames him for being a bad kid.  uBPDgf's exH is likely BPD as well.  Certainly some NPD traits and between the two of them, constant drama that I get triangulated into.  exH has full custody of S13 but it's not a stable household either, including CPS investigations recently.

We've retained a very good attorney to work out the custody situation between uBPDgf/exH/S13.  When I say "we", I mean I have paid for a very competent attorney, even though I have no real input in the matter, as it's not my son.  The problem is, even after the attorney has said "let me handle this, stay calm" ... uBPDgf and her exH and S13 all continue to bicker and send text messages and insult each other.  Usually this ends with uBPDgf being extremely triggered and disregulated, with extreme anger at exH (and sometimes S13) that is then directed at me - "you will never understand what this is like, you don't have a child" - "I need space" - "I hate everyone right now" - "I'm going to burn down exH's house and steal S13 and disappear to Canada".  Always followed later by "I wouldn't really do those things, I was just upset".

Sometimes these rages are followed by excessive spending, drinking, self-harm (cutting and tattoos) that I have to deal with, even though the target of the rage is seemingly exH (and S13).

Now, however, we are 8 weeks into pregnancy.  This pregnancy has already had a rocky start.  Many of the things you aren't supposed to do while pregnant were already done before she knew.  In weeks 1-2, she had gotten a tattoo after a rage episode.  Around that same time, she went out with 'friends' and went bungee jumping (not recommended for pregnant mothers in case you were wondering).

And even since she has known she was pregnant, excessive drinking.  This is the one I try to be firm with.  Very few days in this 8 weeks has she had zero drinks.  Usually at least one ("I'm allowed to have a glass of wine"), which often turns into many drinks, and at least 3 or 4 times in the past 8 weeks it's turned into a near-blackout drinking episode.  I try to focus on the "results" and not on "how many drinks have you had?" because it's sometimes difficult to separate the extreme dissociative behaviors and know where they come from.  For example, sometimes she is so confused/angry/manic that she doesn't even know where she is and can't speak clearly and says she's had one or zero drinks.  Often that's a lie, but sometimes it's true - she says there's no problem because she hasn't been drinking.  I say "whatever is happening to create this situation is what we have to try to fix" whether it's BPD or alcohol or whatever.

Of course we have the classic "I hate you don't leave me" situations where some days I am accused of "spending too much time in the office and you don't even care about me or this baby", while other days I am accused of "being so far up my a** and not giving me space and I need to get out of the house".  This is usually the justification for going out drinking by herself.

Yesterday, a fight with exH and S13 over visitation on Mother's Day turned into "I'm never having another child and I hate everyone" and she left the house and didn't come back.  So this morning, it's just me and the dogs at the house.

I understand that this 8 week pregnancy trial is only a small preview of what I can expect with raising a child - it's not a great situation.  I also am fully aware that she may not carry this child to term, whether that's from self-harm or her just deciding to have an abortion.  So I'm forced to temper my excitement and love for the baby with the realization that it might not happen.  It sucks.  I do know that she IS actually pregnant - I've been to the doctor's office and was in the room for the ultrasound - one of our few happy moments so far.

Thank you for reading - this post is mostly a stress reliever for me.  I feel like I have a pretty good handle on what's going on, although I could obviously do a lot of work looking into what has led me to this situation.

[ForeverDad]

In the months and years to come you may do well to have a perspective where you can separate your parenting (father-son) relationship, to a certain extent, as distinct from your adult partnering relationship.

One relationship is forever, you'd always be a dad.

The other relationship is 'chosen', an adult relationship can end if appropriate without ending the parental relationship.  Months or years from now you may want to revisit that possibility.

[ThanksForPlaying]

ForeverDad - good point about the difference between chosen relationships and parent-child relationships - thank you.

One of the interesting things I'm seeing now is that uBPDgf has this parent-child relationship with her son (S13).  While I have a fairly solid step-parent relationship with him, I'm not his dad. S13 is saying now that he doesn't want to spend as much time with his mom - whether that's his dad coaching him to say that or not, I can't say.  His dad also is uNPD and possibly uBPD from my interactions with him.  I'm hoping the courts will take S13's stated wishes partially into account, but also maintain some time with his mom.

Mom is not handling this well, as you would guess.  She feels this is 'unfair' and her main line of reasoning is that she had a difficult labor and delivery with S13, 13 years ago, and now he is ungrateful by not wanting to spend time with her.  Of course this minimizes 13 years of BPD behavior since that time, which has led to his current feelings.  She also had issues with exH at the same time - he cheated on her while pregnant and they split soon after S13 was born.

My validation of these feelings is genuine - "it must be difficult to have gone through so much physical pain during birth, and now feel like your teenager doesn't want to see you."  Is that validating?

We are now dealing with this, while also navigating our own pregnancy - 8 weeks with my child.  Many triggers are being dredged up from the past.  She was cheated on while pregnant 13 years ago ("That must have been very upsetting, I am not going to do that"- is that validating?).

However, there are some very real BPD issues that S13 has seen in recent months, so I can also understand why he's trying to protect himself a little.  As an example, uBPDgf picked him up for the weekend about 6 months ago, and ran out of gas on a very dangerous part of the highway, on the way home.  It was on the wrong highway to where she was supposed to be going.  She picked him up, made a wrong turn/exit, and also ran out of gas.  Possibly she was drunk but I can't confirm that - possibly it was just from severe disregulation - likely both.  Highway services gave them a ride to a gas station and helped them refill. (BPD Note - she runs out of gas every few months - not from lack of money or time to refuel - simply from neglect - I think she likes the adrenaline rush of always being close to empty - it creates much drama and lateness and excuses)  This is just one incident - but it's events like this that have helped S13 form the opinion that he would rather not spend time with his mom right now.  I get it.

She likes to joke with people about how "kids are great, but when they hit puberty they turn into a*******".  Many people laugh and agree, because it's true that teenagers are hard to deal with.  But to a BPD parent, I realize it's also because kids eventually reach a higher level of emotional development than their BPD parent.  They start realizing their parent is different from other parents in some uncomfortable ways.

That's my update - working through this pregnancy while also getting a glimpse of what it's like with a teenager / BPD parent relationship.  Wish me luck haha.

[worriedStepmom]

Congratulations on future fatherhood!

I think you are a doing a good job of validating your gf's emotions.

I feel sorry for the poor teen involved.  It's going to up to your gf whether she gets the help she needs to be a better mom to him.

I have an SD13.  Her relationship with uBPDmom went off the rails when she was 10.  For two years, things were awful.  We got more and more custody, until finally mom only saw SD during the day on alternating weekends.  mom had a breakdown, did two stints in inpatient psychiatric care within a year, and then started making changes to be a better parent.  Now their relationship is much better, but still time-limited.

The key for you as a parent will be to protect your kid.  We spent a lot of years focused on keeping mom calm.  That was unhealthy for SD.  Strong boundaries and validation (of kid as well as parent) are very important.

[EZEarache]

My validation of these feelings is genuine - "it must be difficult to have gone through so much physical pain during birth, and now feel like your teenager doesn't want to see you."  Is that validating?

She was cheated on while pregnant 13 years ago ("That must have been very upsetting, I am not going to do that"- is that validating?).

To me, yes these are validating.

You are way ahead of the curve with this. I have an almost 11 month old baby with uGFwBPD. The stress of the pandemic and fear of parenthood got to me, so I was not exactly the most supportive. I wish I had known the tools to managing BPD a year and a half ago. They can make things better, but as you have described, still less than ideal, from my experience.

The drinking and destructive behavior must be a lot to try and manage in a compassionate way. I was fortunate not to have too much of this to contend with. I wish I had some advice on this, because it has got to be heartbreaking.

Thank you for sharing your experiences.

[Vincenta]

Hi thanks for playing,

How are you? 

Warm regards
Vincenta