Need advice on how to handle partner's extreme reaction and mood swings

[SadSAHM]

I need advice on how to handle partner's extreme reactions, mood swings, passive aggressiveness, etc.

One minute we would be fine, planning a vacation with the kids, the next minute something small, like one of our kids misbehaving (a.k.a. being a normal toddler) or him being upset with me for something (e.g. this morning I didn't help him navigate when he was driving) could trigger him and ruin our entire day.

Then he spends the rest of the day being passive aggressive with me, slamming things, etc. I've been reading books about BPD but still find it extremely difficult to cope when I'm in the midst of it like I am right now. Our kids, 4 and 2, are starting to notice his mood swings. Our 4 year old keeps asking me what's wrong with him, and I keep telling her he's just tired.

I feel extremely sad and alone. I guess I just need some advice and sympathy. Thank you in advance.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[khibomsis]

  SadSAHM, and welcome to the family! I am sorry for what you are going through. Don't worry, books are incredibly useful but each individual situation is different and it helps to get some tailored advice. You posted on the Detaching board, here you will get advice on how to leave a pwBPD safely. From your post it seems you want to stay together, so I think you will get better advice if you post on the Bettering board.

[Cat Familiar]

Isn’t it amazing how one little thing can “ruin the entire day”? My husband is like that too, and unfortunately life is full of “little things”.

What has helped me is realizing that when he starts down the path of dysregulation, the best thing for me to do is to not try and fix things, just let it be. He’s more likely to reset emotionally if I don’t try to soothe him or change his mood.

People with BPD have a deficit in self soothing skills, something most of us learned as young children. They can learn to do this, but it is not our responsibility to try and fix them. The best we can do is to be a good role model for them and manage our own distress.

We have a great library of videos and articles and here are a couple that might be useful:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

[Cait]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's great that you are reading books and my advice would be to try and see a therapist who specializes in BPD to help navigate situations as well. If his behavior is influencing your children, you need to put up boundaries and limits. Does he seem aware of his behavior? If so, you could also suggest that he be in treatment (DBT) to work on it.