Seeking Support and Tools for dealing with a BPD Mother

[SunnyJoy]

My therapist thinks my mom is BPD.

Since my father's passing 5 years ago, she has become emotionally and verbally abusive of me.  I know that underneath she loves me.  It is complicated by a brother who is not a member of my fan club (don't want to go into too many details here) and feeds my mother vitriol about me. they get together and drink and go over all my faults and transgressions: the real, the imagined, the exaggerated.  After this began happening, my mother became cruel.  

She has always taken a perverse pleasure in having someone to feel justifiably angry at -- a bank teller or telephone company customer service person who she perceived (incorrectly, usually) as being rude, someone on a soap opera, someone in a club she was in.  At this stage in life, it is me.  I'm the person she wants to feel justifiably angry at. And she feels justified based on my brother's biases against me.  

When she gets away from him and I can be defined by who I am, not who he defines me as, she returns to being a loving and supportive mother.  

But she lives next door to him. I had to leave the place (I lived down the road) due to the toxicity.  

and now I have to go back.  For a while at least.  And my stomach is getting into knots about it.  Her cruel comments send me off track for a day or more and I have a hard time focusing on my daily tasks.  

I wish I knew how to stand up for myself in a way that would not damage our relationship.

Thanks for reading. Looking forward to learning from those fighting the same fight.  

[pursuingJoy]

SunnyJoy, welcome! I'm struck by your understanding of the situation and how it's unfolded. I'm so sorry you're going through this but I feel that you're way ahead of some of us here who were so overwhelmed by emotion that it was blinding. Bravo.

That said, I know it hurts, and it's so hard. We get that.

and now I have to go back.  For a while at least.  And my stomach is getting into knots about it.  Her cruel comments send me off track for a day or more and I have a hard time focusing on my daily tasks.  
 

Mind sharing why you have to go back? Is it a visit or temporary living situation? I totally understand the knots and anxiety.  We'd be happy to help you prepare and brainstorm ways to address scenarios that might come up? We're also a really good sounding board if you just need to vent while you're there.

pj