Out of Denial

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello...I immediately welled up as I started to type; I am trying not to go back and hide.  I realize it will not help me, my family or my daughter (who was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago), if I don’t accept what is.  I am grasping for hope and believing there is light whether I’m in a tunnel or not; I just need light, a win, a breakthrough, a deep breath of healing that upon exhale will relieve the heartache. 

God sustains us, and of that I am certain.  I am just waking up to reality of what is not a phase and will not go just “poof” go away.  This is a journey, a difficult one, that has been done by many.  I want to learn from others.  What books are the absolute best?  What are the best ways to learn DBT?  And when setting boundaries, what in the world are the enforceable consequences?  My D turned 18 and is finishing HS in a few weeks.  She got accepted to colleges and she committed to one.  Now she says she is not going and won’t talk about it.  It is 1,754 miles away.  So it makes sense if she’s petrified.  It’s a huge transition. She’s worked hard academically.  But I am the worst person on earth according to her and she wants nothing to do with me.  So at this pivotal point, I feel lost with how to communicate with her.  I go to her room where she stays 97% of the time and she says get out!   Or leave me alone!  Last night I went in and did not go away.  I validated her feelings.  First time I think.  Not sure.  But she listened.  She did not yell.  But not much has happened since, of which I am aware . 

I guess this is me purging or trying to.  But there are way too many painful feelings, memories and present situations to release it all. 

I and my husband are looking for a support group, a how to or best skills video, a DBT for dummies.  What worked best for those whose loved one has recovered and are leading healthy lives?   I’ve partially read one book. “Your Daughter has BPD” and downloaded one that I skimmed.  Is there a great audible book?  I am speaking/writing for the very first time.  This is not easy.  I really appreciate the time anyone takes to respond.  Than you.

[MLove]

Hello...I immediately welled up as I started to type; I am trying not to go back and hide.  I realize it will not help me, my family or my daughter (who was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago), if I don’t accept what is.  I am grasping for hope and believing there is light whether I’m in a tunnel or not; I just need light, a win, a breakthrough, a deep breath of healing that upon exhale will relieve the heartache. 

God sustains us, and of that I am certain.  I am just waking up to reality of what is not a phase and will not go just “poof” go away.  This is a journey, a difficult one, that has been done by many.  I want to learn from others.  What books are the absolute best?  What are the best ways to learn DBT?  And when setting boundaries, what in the world are the enforceable consequences?  My D turned 18 and is finishing HS in a few weeks.  She got accepted to colleges and she committed to one.  Now she says she is not going and won’t talk about it.  It is 1,754 miles away.  So it makes sense if she’s petrified.  It’s a huge transition. She’s worked hard academically.  But I am the worst person on earth according to her and she wants nothing to do with me.  So at this pivotal point, I feel lost with how to communicate with her.  I go to her room where she stays 97% of the time and she says get out!   Or leave me alone!  Last night I went in and did not go away.  I validated her feelings.  First time I think.  Not sure.  But she listened.  She did not yell.  But not much has happened since, of which I am aware . 

I guess this is me purging or trying to.  But there are way too many painful feelings, memories and present situations to release it all. 

I and my husband are looking for a support group, a how to or best skills video, a DBT for dummies.  What worked best for those whose loved one has recovered and are leading healthy lives?   I’ve partially read one book. “Your Daughter has BPD” and downloaded one that I skimmed.  Is there a great audible book?  I am speaking/writing for the very first time.  This is not easy.  I really appreciate the time anyone takes to respond.  Than you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

You are in real pain at the moment and it is good that you have come here. It is a place I come to when I am at a low ebb.

There are many reasons why I come here: the resources are good (I hope you can find the time and energy to access them if you have not already) and I find it really helpful to be able to 'unload' to people - probably far away from me - who understand what the journey with a BPD loved one is like.

A couple of questions if you feel like responding.

Is your daughter having any therapy at all? Does she have any connection with a mental health professional? On medication?

In my experience, whenever the slightest thing goes wrong, or there is any slight rise in stress level, that's when I cop it.

Your daughter is at a huge moment of transition in her life and - as you have recognised - this is a major trigger for the blaming, anger and intense emotional state.

You made a good step when you stayed and validated the other night.

I am wondering if you are able to get some support to help you cope personally and also to help you work with your daughter at this time.

But that is a big ask I know. They seem to lash out at the very person who is most able and willing to help!

So last question: is there anyone else who is able and willing to step in and work with your daughter at this transition time?

Sending lots of support and thoughts to you . . . .

[zanne]

Mlove, please try to get into the "Family Connections" 12-week course. I just finished it and cannot tell you how much help it was to me. I know there is a waiting list, but it will be worth it. Just type "Family Connections" into the Search tool and it will hopefully lead you right to it.
Stay active on the BPD Family Web site. You will see that you are not alone, and will be able to *talk* with others who share a similar situation.
Best wishes, Mlove.

[Rebbeca]

Hi MLove
I’m here looking for others struggling like you.
I have a daughter 28 I believe she has BPD.
Loving her is the hardest thing I’ve been through in my life. No matter  how hard I try, how much I’m there, I’m told I don’t care.
I’m starting to put my emotions to one side to look at each situation as it happens. To try and get a clearer picture of reality.

Reading has helped. The ‘Walking on Eggshells’ books were a big help on trying to understand.
Accepting that someone we love has this type of illness is so difficult as a mum. You want all the good things in life for your child.

I really hope for both of us that talking to others here will make us feel less alone.
Sending you love Rebbeca