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Author Topic: Heartbroken and confused  (Read 122 times)

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 3

« on: May 07, 2021, 08:27:40 PM »

Hey everyone. I'm so happy to have found this site. I recently broke up with my boyfriend, who I am almost positive has BPD. After reading the article about breaking up with someone with BPD on BPD Family, almost all of the words rang true. There was definitely an idealization phase, and I grew very attached to him through that because I had never felt so loved before in my entire life. I myself struggle with depression and anxiety, so breaking up with him has sent me into a tailspin where I keep second-guessing myself and feeling like I should have done more for him. I feel awful. I knew that I deserved a better, healthier relationship, and that is why I did it. He exhibited almost all of the signs: he lied without reason, everything was my fault, his emotions changed on a whim, etc. But now, I feel so guilty and I miss him so much. I know he was so traumatized in his childhood, and I feel like now I've only made him worse. It breaks my heart to know that he now most likely blames everything on me. When I was breaking up with him, he told me that I didn't show him enough love, he felt like I didn't want to talk to him etc. We were in a long-distance relationship and we're both in college. I am objectively much busier than him and so I didn't have as much time to text him throughout the day; he literally would get upset and take it out on me during FaceTime at night if I didn't text him every ten minutes throughout the day. The bottom line is I know the relationship wasn't healthy, but now I'm seriously struggling after having broken up with him. It was such an intense relationship. I got used to talking to him nearly all the time and now it hurts so bad knowing that he doesn't even care for me anymore, and all I want to do is talk to him and make it better and show him he's loved. I feel so badly, and I want to hug him and kiss him and tell him everything will be okay, but now he probably doesn't even want me anymore. It is actually killing me inside. He needs serious help with this disorder, and I find myself constantly thinking about him and yearning for his attention again.
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 5927

« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2021, 12:18:09 PM »

This is a good time for you to look deeply within and examine why you are drawn to a relationship that is dysfunctional. So many of us here have become involved with people with BPD due to having a family member with a personality disorder; the behavior felt familiar.

You struggle with anxiety and depression, like a majority of members here, and the highs you felt in the idealization phase felt like a miracle, lifting you up to joyful heights. But then came the other polarity.

Don’t beat yourself up or try and take responsibility for his emotions. People with BPD regularly blame others and typically have a story about how people have mistreated them in the past.

The best thing you could do for yourself is to seek counseling, perhaps through your college. You deserve to find a healthy relationship and becoming your best self will help to attract someone who is also healthy.

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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